It is so unfortunate that this is something that we even have to worry about but bullying is a very real problem. Studies are showing that bullying is beginning at younger and younger ages. Please be aware that when your child tells you that they are being bullied, picked on, attacked, embarrassed... by others, that you as the parent need to take the situation seriously. Many children don't inform their parents that a situation exists so be thankful that your child is communicating this very painful ordeal. Make sure to get involved and stop the situation before it becomes too late.
Repeated bullying can cause severe emotional harm, and can ruin your child's self esteem and mental health. They may begin to feel helpless, worthless, and powerless. They also feel ashamed. Your child might begin to suffer from anxiety, depression, or panic attacks. In some cases your child will reverse the role and become a bully themselves.
Keep in mind the bully doesn't only scare the victim into compliance but keeps other children from helping or speaking out because they are afraid of becoming the bully's next target. The bully ends up with all of the power. Unfortunately, the bully is not always a peer but sometimes an adult.
Children react differently when being bullied so unless they inform you about the situation it is not always easy to detect the problem. Some of the signs of bullying are:
1) Not wanting to attend school or other activities with peers.
2) Loss of possessions without a valid explanation.
3) Suddenly clingy and/or afraid to be alone.
4) Difficultly sleeping and maybe bed wetting.
5) Complaints of headaches or stomachaches, visits to the school nurse.
6) Appearance of unexplained bruises or scrapes.
7) Begins to bully younger siblings or friends.
8) Change in eating habits and/or unexpected poor grades.
9) Often being sad, feeling lonely, feeling blame for not being good enough.
10) Becomes sullen, withdrawn, and difficultly talking about everyday occurrences.
If you do recognize the symptoms of bullying and your child seems unable to verbalize their feelings, you will need to ask them direct and specific questions relating to which ever signs you have seen. For example: You seem to being missing a lot of your favorite toys lately, is someone taking them from you? Suddenly, you are being very unfriendly and tough on your little sister, who do you see behaving that way? You have been very hungry after school lately, is someone taking part of your lunch?... Keep in mind that you may learn more from their facial expression or body language then from anything they tell you verbally.
If you still feel in your gut that you are correct and are unable to get your child to talk, try sharing a story regarding someone being bullied and how they needed to get an adult to help them fix the problem. Since bullying is often a shameful or embarrassing feeling, your child may have difficultly sharing it with you because he or she may be afraid that you will be angry. If necessary, share the information with a trusted adult and have them speak with your child. Please keep in mind the importance of bringing the problem out in the open.
One of your child's classmates or teammates may be much more willing to share information since they are not the victim. When at athletic events, keep your eyes and ears open to what other parents may be discussing regarding the dynamics of the team players. It is important to figure out when and where the bullying is taking place so that you can find out who is doing the bullying. Once you have more information you will be able to involve the coach or teacher(s) in a solution. Please don't ignore this situation because it will not go away on it's own. Even if your child stops speaking about it, it doesn't mean the behavior has ceased. Your child may have given up and is internalizing the situation. If you still feel there is an issue, please seek professional help.
Bullying seems to be more widespread and happening at younger ages than in the past. More children are in daycare and after school programs where it is survival of the fittest. Many programs are overseen by teenagers who do not have a lot of life experience and do not know how to handle bullying situations. Bullying is an attack on your child's self esteem and possibly their mental health as well. Remember that embarrassment often prevents your child from sharing that humiliation with you. Children do not have the life experience to know that the bully is the problem and they are not at fault. Sometimes the bully is not a peer but an adult. They need the help of either you or another trusted adult.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Dealing With Sibling Arguments
When you are dealing with sibling arguments it is so easy to want to intervene. But teaching them how to settle their own arguments will help them learn to get along in the world. You are not always going to be there to help them settle their differences with others. There is not always an adult present to settle disagreements for them. Communicating is key to a successful future. Sibling arguments are early lessons in adversity. We need to help our children learn to deal with adversity.
I think that it is extremely important not to place blame on the older sibling and assume that they should know better. Being older does not mean they are at fault and certainly does not mean they are in the wrong. I have been surprised how often the younger one knows just how to yell or cry to get the older sibling in trouble. Over the years, younger siblings have told me many stories about pulling out the "crying card" just to get their way. Some of the younger children actually enjoyed seeing their older sibling get into trouble.
On the other hand, I have heard of the older one teasing the younger one until they yell so that the parent is upset with the younger one for yelling. It is certainly a two way street when it comes to sibling arguments. Often the younger child has felt free to use something belonging to the older child without asking their permission. Making the older feel that their personal space has been invaded. Respect for each others possessions and asking permission is always a must. It teaches children boundaries. Here is your chance to be a good mediator and teacher, not a judge or dictator.
Please remember, if you are not in the room to witness exactly what has transpired it is hardly fair to assume the guilt or innocence of either of them. So helping them learn to solve their differences with each other is the better solution. Young children have a tendency to tell how they wished it may have transpired instead of how the difficultly actually happened. Please do not forget to listen to what both children have to say. It is helpful to have them acknowledge hearing the other sibling by repeating each others side of the story. Let them know you expect them be respectful when the other is speaking. They also need to learn early on that physical violence is NEVER the solution to an argument. Neither is name calling. Both are inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
When you do decide to intervene their are a few things that I would like to point out. I think it is really important to acknowledge their anger. Let them both know that you hear them and understand they are both angry. It is important that you point out for each of them why the other is angry or better yet have them help make this point for each other. "Why do you think that your brother is so angry with you?" It is important to show respect when describing their feelings about the issue. By expressing the opinions of both of them equally, you are showing that you are not taking sides.
By asking questions, instead of giving advice or solutions you are helping them to think through their differences. It is helpful to teach them how to "walk in each others shoes" by asking how they would feel if their roles were reversed. You will be giving them lessons in sympathy, empathy and the tools to help them communicate well. Let them know that you are confident that they will come up with a plausible solution.
In younger children all of the above steps are important but in simpler terms. It is often helpful to have them play separately for a while to think about their differences and come up with a way to play nicely together again. This will often do the trick because they ultimately would rather be playing together. The previous issues often disappear when they resume playing together. Sometimes it is simply needing a break from each other. If they need the time apart to regroup that is fine too. It is similar to our time away from our spouse or family member to do something on our own or have time to ourselves.
With toddlers sometimes settling the disagreement can be as easy as removing the toy that is being fought over from both and saying "You may have it back when you learn to take turns or share it. In the mean time, there are plenty of other toys for you to play with." Explain that sharing and taking turns, working out their differences will bring the toy back into play. And sometimes they need a break or an adult to redirect play time by introducing a different toy or game. If you chose to remove the "offending" toy, let them fuss about it, acknowledge their anger or hurt feelings but do not put it back into play until later. I have had children say to me, "Remember when you took ____, it was because I wouldn't share it with _____." You have to love the daily life lessons when your child has that "light bulb" moment.
There is nothing unnatural about siblings having disagreements. These disagreements are part of learning to get along with others. These are practice sessions for figuring out what they can and can not get away with when dealing with other human beings. This is why it is so important not to have the older child give into the younger child all the time. The younger child needs to realize that they are not the center of the universe and they shouldn't automatically get their way. Our children are very smart, even the young ones. The younger child needs to learn to take turns, compromise, share toys with others, use their communication skills, and good manners (please and thank you) with their family. These skills help them get along on the outside. If they are given their way much of the time, they are not going to play well with others. They will take what they know and try it outside of the family unit. This makes it much tougher on them when they get that taste of the real world.
It is an essential part of the process to learn to cope with these emotions on their own. Our children need to be part of the solution which helps them become aware of other peoples feelings and ideas. With our guidance and patience our children will have a better start in the real world. Learning how to deal with conflict and not being afraid to communicate their thoughts and feelings is a huge step towards social success. By teaching our children to problem solve we are giving them a lifelong skill. Socialization is a vital part of our survival. We learn to socialize first in our family unit where we feel safe and loved. We take those behaviors out into the world with us as a guide on how to live outside our safety zone.
I think that it is extremely important not to place blame on the older sibling and assume that they should know better. Being older does not mean they are at fault and certainly does not mean they are in the wrong. I have been surprised how often the younger one knows just how to yell or cry to get the older sibling in trouble. Over the years, younger siblings have told me many stories about pulling out the "crying card" just to get their way. Some of the younger children actually enjoyed seeing their older sibling get into trouble.
On the other hand, I have heard of the older one teasing the younger one until they yell so that the parent is upset with the younger one for yelling. It is certainly a two way street when it comes to sibling arguments. Often the younger child has felt free to use something belonging to the older child without asking their permission. Making the older feel that their personal space has been invaded. Respect for each others possessions and asking permission is always a must. It teaches children boundaries. Here is your chance to be a good mediator and teacher, not a judge or dictator.
Please remember, if you are not in the room to witness exactly what has transpired it is hardly fair to assume the guilt or innocence of either of them. So helping them learn to solve their differences with each other is the better solution. Young children have a tendency to tell how they wished it may have transpired instead of how the difficultly actually happened. Please do not forget to listen to what both children have to say. It is helpful to have them acknowledge hearing the other sibling by repeating each others side of the story. Let them know you expect them be respectful when the other is speaking. They also need to learn early on that physical violence is NEVER the solution to an argument. Neither is name calling. Both are inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
When you do decide to intervene their are a few things that I would like to point out. I think it is really important to acknowledge their anger. Let them both know that you hear them and understand they are both angry. It is important that you point out for each of them why the other is angry or better yet have them help make this point for each other. "Why do you think that your brother is so angry with you?" It is important to show respect when describing their feelings about the issue. By expressing the opinions of both of them equally, you are showing that you are not taking sides.
By asking questions, instead of giving advice or solutions you are helping them to think through their differences. It is helpful to teach them how to "walk in each others shoes" by asking how they would feel if their roles were reversed. You will be giving them lessons in sympathy, empathy and the tools to help them communicate well. Let them know that you are confident that they will come up with a plausible solution.
In younger children all of the above steps are important but in simpler terms. It is often helpful to have them play separately for a while to think about their differences and come up with a way to play nicely together again. This will often do the trick because they ultimately would rather be playing together. The previous issues often disappear when they resume playing together. Sometimes it is simply needing a break from each other. If they need the time apart to regroup that is fine too. It is similar to our time away from our spouse or family member to do something on our own or have time to ourselves.
With toddlers sometimes settling the disagreement can be as easy as removing the toy that is being fought over from both and saying "You may have it back when you learn to take turns or share it. In the mean time, there are plenty of other toys for you to play with." Explain that sharing and taking turns, working out their differences will bring the toy back into play. And sometimes they need a break or an adult to redirect play time by introducing a different toy or game. If you chose to remove the "offending" toy, let them fuss about it, acknowledge their anger or hurt feelings but do not put it back into play until later. I have had children say to me, "Remember when you took ____, it was because I wouldn't share it with _____." You have to love the daily life lessons when your child has that "light bulb" moment.
There is nothing unnatural about siblings having disagreements. These disagreements are part of learning to get along with others. These are practice sessions for figuring out what they can and can not get away with when dealing with other human beings. This is why it is so important not to have the older child give into the younger child all the time. The younger child needs to realize that they are not the center of the universe and they shouldn't automatically get their way. Our children are very smart, even the young ones. The younger child needs to learn to take turns, compromise, share toys with others, use their communication skills, and good manners (please and thank you) with their family. These skills help them get along on the outside. If they are given their way much of the time, they are not going to play well with others. They will take what they know and try it outside of the family unit. This makes it much tougher on them when they get that taste of the real world.
It is an essential part of the process to learn to cope with these emotions on their own. Our children need to be part of the solution which helps them become aware of other peoples feelings and ideas. With our guidance and patience our children will have a better start in the real world. Learning how to deal with conflict and not being afraid to communicate their thoughts and feelings is a huge step towards social success. By teaching our children to problem solve we are giving them a lifelong skill. Socialization is a vital part of our survival. We learn to socialize first in our family unit where we feel safe and loved. We take those behaviors out into the world with us as a guide on how to live outside our safety zone.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Instilling Values and Morals in Your Child
Real values - beliefs and standards to live by. Morals - principles and standards with respect to right and wrong in conduct. What are your values? What do you want to pass on to your children? How do you wish them to conduct themselves in public? What do you want their belief system to be? These are important questions for you to ask yourself regarding how you want to raise your child and what kind of citizen you want your child to be.
How do you go about teaching your child about being a good citizen? First and foremost, you have to be a good example for them. They will most likely follow what they see. It's amazing how much young children pick up on in their own environment. Who do you want their examples to be? We have the opportunity as parents to use what is happening around us to teach our children about life and acceptable behavior.
Let's just say that your Dad tends to yell and swear. This doesn't mean that you have to keep your child away from your Dad but you can use his misbehavior to teach your child to behave appropriately. Now you may not chose to do this in front of your Dad but don't be shy about telling your child how it makes you feel when Dad yells and swears. And how that behavior is inappropriate.
Same with a good example. Your Grandmother is the sweetest most thoughtful person on earth. You might express to your child how special it makes you feel to be spoken to so nicely and how Grandma is always making a special effort to listen and cares about what your child has to say. The way that she spends time with them and gives them her full attention when they are speaking. She makes them feel important to her.
When you see another child acting up in a store and not behaving up to expectations, use this as an example, as a teachable moment. Would you want to look like that and have everyone staring at you? Doesn't that child look unruly and foolish? I am glad that you know better and do not express that behavior in the store.
Rudeness is something that children often learn from experience. Are you at your best behavior as you grocery shop? Do you excuse yourself as you walk in front of others while going down the aisles? Are you patient about waiting your turn at the checkout? Are you kind to the cashier? These are all behaviors that your child is going to emulate.
Lying is something they may also hear you do or maybe you don't. But they can be very young and realize that you have not told the truth. Young children; five and under might lie even if they haven't heard you lie because they wish what they are saying is true. They need to be corrected but not harshly, they need to know that their "lie" is pretend. An older child lying is definitely an issue and should not be ignored. They need to know straight out that lying is unacceptable.
While having your child go to church may be an excellent idea, please don't leave it up to the church to teach your child values and moral conduct. Church is once per week and these should be every day lessons that you instill in your child. Your Church can certainly be a reinforcement of what you teach at home. It isn't about threats but it is about communicating with your child on a daily basis regarding living in our world.
Teaching your child not to burn their bridges is an important lesson. Someone that they may not get along with today could end up being their best friend in high school. People are constantly changing and evolving. People learn different life lessons at different times in their lives. I was careful when my children were very small with whom they spent their time. I chose to get to know the parents and see if we had the same ideas about how to raise our children. I wanted to know if we were teaching our children similar ideas and values.
When my children came in contact with children at the park that didn't have manners, were rude, disrespectful of others or mean... We talked about these issues. I asked lots of questions about how it made them feel. I pointed out how they would make someone else feel if they repeated these type of behaviors. I also spoke to the child at the park and suggested that their behavior wasn't very nice. It certainly is possible they are not being taught these lessons at home.
But sheltering your child from bad behavior in others DOES NOT prepare them for what is to come in the world. When they are then facing a couple bullies in second grade they are completely unprepared on how to handle themselves. Step in, speak with the teacher and the principal if necessary. As adults it is difficult to know how to handle the bad behavior of another adult. Imagine how a second grader feels about trying to handle these feelings on their own. Talk to them about why bullies behave the way they do, give them ways to handle the situation, and don't be afraid to get involved. Don't tell them to ignore the bully because the bully will not go away on their own. It is important to listen to and acknowledge your child's feelings. It is our job to teach them how to deal with these situations. It is our responsibility to make sure that we are not raising a bully of our own making.
It is important during these life lessons to have your child get in touch with their feelings and help make them aware that other people have feelings. This helps them to realize that they are not the center of the universe and that other people count. It helps your children become respectful of others.
What are your values? Being kind to others. "Treating others like you would like to be treated." Are you teaching by example? By showing respect for others peoples property, ideas and space. Are you using please and thank you? Are you taking advantage of teachable moments? Straight talk with your children is the best as long as you keep it age appropriate. Two way communication is vital to the learning process. Communication means expressing thoughts and feelings as well as listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings. Start early by sharing your beliefs with your child to help them become a valuable, well respected member of society. These days it is important to realize that their society begins as soon as they start daycare.
How do you go about teaching your child about being a good citizen? First and foremost, you have to be a good example for them. They will most likely follow what they see. It's amazing how much young children pick up on in their own environment. Who do you want their examples to be? We have the opportunity as parents to use what is happening around us to teach our children about life and acceptable behavior.
Let's just say that your Dad tends to yell and swear. This doesn't mean that you have to keep your child away from your Dad but you can use his misbehavior to teach your child to behave appropriately. Now you may not chose to do this in front of your Dad but don't be shy about telling your child how it makes you feel when Dad yells and swears. And how that behavior is inappropriate.
Same with a good example. Your Grandmother is the sweetest most thoughtful person on earth. You might express to your child how special it makes you feel to be spoken to so nicely and how Grandma is always making a special effort to listen and cares about what your child has to say. The way that she spends time with them and gives them her full attention when they are speaking. She makes them feel important to her.
When you see another child acting up in a store and not behaving up to expectations, use this as an example, as a teachable moment. Would you want to look like that and have everyone staring at you? Doesn't that child look unruly and foolish? I am glad that you know better and do not express that behavior in the store.
Rudeness is something that children often learn from experience. Are you at your best behavior as you grocery shop? Do you excuse yourself as you walk in front of others while going down the aisles? Are you patient about waiting your turn at the checkout? Are you kind to the cashier? These are all behaviors that your child is going to emulate.
Lying is something they may also hear you do or maybe you don't. But they can be very young and realize that you have not told the truth. Young children; five and under might lie even if they haven't heard you lie because they wish what they are saying is true. They need to be corrected but not harshly, they need to know that their "lie" is pretend. An older child lying is definitely an issue and should not be ignored. They need to know straight out that lying is unacceptable.
While having your child go to church may be an excellent idea, please don't leave it up to the church to teach your child values and moral conduct. Church is once per week and these should be every day lessons that you instill in your child. Your Church can certainly be a reinforcement of what you teach at home. It isn't about threats but it is about communicating with your child on a daily basis regarding living in our world.
Teaching your child not to burn their bridges is an important lesson. Someone that they may not get along with today could end up being their best friend in high school. People are constantly changing and evolving. People learn different life lessons at different times in their lives. I was careful when my children were very small with whom they spent their time. I chose to get to know the parents and see if we had the same ideas about how to raise our children. I wanted to know if we were teaching our children similar ideas and values.
When my children came in contact with children at the park that didn't have manners, were rude, disrespectful of others or mean... We talked about these issues. I asked lots of questions about how it made them feel. I pointed out how they would make someone else feel if they repeated these type of behaviors. I also spoke to the child at the park and suggested that their behavior wasn't very nice. It certainly is possible they are not being taught these lessons at home.
But sheltering your child from bad behavior in others DOES NOT prepare them for what is to come in the world. When they are then facing a couple bullies in second grade they are completely unprepared on how to handle themselves. Step in, speak with the teacher and the principal if necessary. As adults it is difficult to know how to handle the bad behavior of another adult. Imagine how a second grader feels about trying to handle these feelings on their own. Talk to them about why bullies behave the way they do, give them ways to handle the situation, and don't be afraid to get involved. Don't tell them to ignore the bully because the bully will not go away on their own. It is important to listen to and acknowledge your child's feelings. It is our job to teach them how to deal with these situations. It is our responsibility to make sure that we are not raising a bully of our own making.
It is important during these life lessons to have your child get in touch with their feelings and help make them aware that other people have feelings. This helps them to realize that they are not the center of the universe and that other people count. It helps your children become respectful of others.
What are your values? Being kind to others. "Treating others like you would like to be treated." Are you teaching by example? By showing respect for others peoples property, ideas and space. Are you using please and thank you? Are you taking advantage of teachable moments? Straight talk with your children is the best as long as you keep it age appropriate. Two way communication is vital to the learning process. Communication means expressing thoughts and feelings as well as listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings. Start early by sharing your beliefs with your child to help them become a valuable, well respected member of society. These days it is important to realize that their society begins as soon as they start daycare.
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