Please Stop Bribing Your Children

     These are two of the definitions of "bribe" I found in the American Heritage Dictionary. "Something offered or serving to influence or persuade." "To gain influence or corrupt by bribery." Please stop bribing your children. Your children should be listening to you because they respect you and you are their parent.  

     Many parents do not even realize that they are making this tactical error. When we begin to bribe our children we are actually giving them control of the situation. They will then have the choice to hold out until they consider your prize offer large enough. Do you really want your child controlling you? Is this the precedence you want to set? As they get older do you want to have to promise them a prize to take care of their responsibilities? Or will you be so tired of the bribery system that you will no longer require them to take care of their chores and responsibilities? Is that how life should work? Are you preparing them for dealing with friends and other members of society? Are they always going to expect something in return for everything that is asked of them?

     I can not emphasize enough that children should be taught to behave on the merit of good behavior and not because they are rewarded or bribed for good listening. They should not be bribed to behave properly, take care of a chore or responsibility. Bribery corrupts the system by blurring the lines of who is the adult and who is controlling your household.

     My daughter is teaching swimming lessons this summer and she has come home with a couple of good stories regarding bribery. Instead of telling the child that they are taking swimming lessons and need to listen to the swim instructor, there are parents promising milk shakes and trips to Toys R Us to encourage the child to do what they are supposed to do. One boy, about 8 years old, was offered multiple items and the stakes kept going up until he decided it was a big enough prize. Instead it should have been a statement: "We are paying for swimming lessons. You need to learn to swim so that you will be safe in the water. Please listen to the instructor so that you may learn to swim properly." 

     Many parents are trying so hard to stay in the good graces of their children. That is not how children learn to be good people. That is how children learn to be spoiled, lazy and disrespectful. It is not an "old wives tale" that children want boundaries, they want parents, they want love and attention. They need us to tell them what is proper behavior and what is not. They are not born with this knowledge, they are counting on us as parents to guide and direct them. Bribing children to do the correct thing is giving them the expectation that they need to receive a reward for behaving properly. Do you want it to be necessary to reward your child for doing the right thing? So then what should be the consequences of not behaving properly? 

     What does this do to their expectation of life? Do they begin to expect rewards for throwing away their trash, hanging up the coat, doing their homework, eating their vegetables, or putting away their toys? What is the behavior if a bribe is not offered? What is the consequence for unacceptable behavior? Will they expect rewards from friends and other adults? If they are not given the rewards, will they begin to take their own rewards feeling that they are entitled? 

     You can certainly see why bribing your child to do the right thing can become a much bigger monster. Have you noticed that many children expect the reward system? But this does not prepare them to handle so many parts of adult life, we are not rewarded for taking care of our house, our children, our job, and our many other responsibilities. We learn to reward ourselves for our hard work, but it is certainly not always with an object or we would be broke. Our reward is the satisfaction of a job well done.