The words you choose to use make a difference. Just like taking the time and effort to name your child; you should think about the words you use carefully. Children tend to take many things that you say literally. You will notice this when they give you that "what do you mean" look when you use a phrase that taken literally would mean something strange. "I'm hungry enough to eat a horse."
Of course it goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway that we really want to watch our language around our children. We don't want them repeating words that they should not be saying. We don't want them to be the child that is not invited over because parents have heard them use swear words. Remember, they learn much of what they do by copying us.
As much as watching what words we do not want to use if front of our children there are a couple words or phrases that we want to use often; they are please and thank you. If you expect your children to use the language you need to use it too. Thank them when they have done something that you have told them to do. Ask them "please"...and tell them what you expect them to accomplish. If we want them to use manners then we need to be their best example.
Be very careful about labeling your children as well. You do not want to be telling everyone that your child is "shy" even if they tend to act shy because then they will be shy. Another phrase I have frequently heard is "he is a picky eater" that is a label we definitely don't want to use. People tend to take these labels and make them part of their personalities. Children often take words very literally so you want to be wise about what words you use to describe them. There may be times when you want to work this to your advantage; good listener, helper, well behaved, smart, healthy eater,... it just might work. These positive reinforcements of favorable behavior will build your child's confidence as well.
When my children would ask to have a friend over, play music, or tell me they were going to wear a certain outfit... I found myself saying "I don't care." Now, of course I didn't mean that I didn't care what I actually meant "okay that is fine with me." What they keep hearing was that I didn't care what they were doing. One of them asked me one time why I didn't care about anything. This really opened my eyes to the phrase I was using when giving them permission. I had to work hard not to use my original phrase but I could understand how this would make an impression on them.
Another phase to make a difference is instead of "If I ever find out," this would be past tense, you want to prevent something by saying "Don't let me catch you..." this sounds more like "don't do it."
When I was growing up my dad being "very old school" used negative words when we failed to do something correctly when working in the yard or helping around the house. He would say "Are you stupid?" "Are you some kind of idiot?" etc... Well, even though I do know that I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, I do find that when I drop something or mess something up I will still use those labels to myself "you idiot," "way to go, stupid" and it is a very hard habit to break.
For this reason, I was so careful when I was raising my kids to make sure they knew that I was disappointed in the situation not in them as a person. Also, instead of saying that was a stupid thing to do, I would say that wasn't a very smart thing to do. And of course we would discuss it and decide together what might have been a better way or a better choice.
Please, whatever you do; don't call your children negative names. You may think that they understand you are joking but they still feel the negativeness of the words. Children tend to take words very literally and may not be able to tell you that it hurts their feelings. Years ago I heard about a study that said it took ten positive reinforcement comments to eliminate one negative statement for that person's self esteem to improve. It is such an unnecessary chance to take when using more positive comments makes everyone feel better.
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