"Don't talk to strangers!" We have all heard this and many of us have said it as well, but I want you to consider amending this command when you discuss "Stranger Danger" with your children.
First of all, they don't only need to be afraid of strangers, unfortunately the "stranger danger" person can be right in your own family. More importantly than making your child afraid of strangers, which everyone is until you get to know them, your child needs to learn to trust their gut instincts. You need to help your child become aware of their own intuition.
Make sure you communicate with your child what is appropriate touch and inappropriate touch from someone. They do not have any life experience to help them sort this out for themselves. Discuss these important issues with your child. We all know it is uncomfortable but a vital discussion.
My father in law, a truly wonderful, sweet person told me about being in the grocery store and attempting to talk to a small child accompanied by their mother. The mother told the child "don't talk to strangers" and pushed the cart away from my father in law. Instead of spouting the cliche this would have been a good teaching moment. These were the perfect conditions for the child to trust their instincts. Unless they test their feelings they will not know what that uncomfortable feeling means. The best time to test their instincts is when in the company of a parent or person of equal safety.
Use teachable moments to have your child get in touch with their instincts. When in the company of you or another trustworthy adult allow your child to interact with strangers. You can have your child go up to the register to pay at a store. Of course you are near by and watching the transaction. Encourage them to ask their own questions when speaking with a coach or a teacher. Following the experience, ask them how they felt it went. Then listen to what they are telling you. If they clearly express to you that someone makes them feel uncomfortable; make sure you ask them plenty of open ended questions. They might feel uncomfortable around someone for many reasons such as they yell a lot, or a coach makes them run too many laps. But they may express that they don't know what it is exactly but they don't like being with that person. This is when you make sure that you keep them out of harms way by not allowing them to be alone with this individual.
If your child shies away from hugging or kissing a family member there might be a good reason. Please don't make your child hug and kiss everyone at family gatherings. They will have certain people that they feel more comfortable around than others. This is okay, and the adults should realize that the child has feelings and they are entitled to their feelings. It is unfortunate to have to mention this possibility, but watch the news, read the papers, listen to the truths your friends tell you about unfortunate incidences that have occurred. Keep your mind open to your child's feelings and intuition. Always better safe than sorry. You don't want to place your child in harms way because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. It doesn't mean you have to take any kind of action without proof but you can control what situations you place your child in.
If you feel that an incident has occurred be sure to seek out professional advice or counseling. These are touchy subjects and uncomfortable feelings to discuss. There are instances where your child may know they feel bad but do not know how to express these feelings to you. There are symptoms and behaviors that relate to a child having been sexually abused. Should you feel you need them, you can find symptoms and behaviors on several internet sites. Please make sure that if your child has the guts to tell you something has been going on or has made them feel "icky", afraid, uncomfortable, weird,... whatever you do BELIEVE THEM!
"Stranger Danger" is not only about strangers. 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of sexual abuse. The high statistics of children that are sexually assaulted is proof that many occurrences are with people they know and trust. Open communication regarding their gut feelings and instincts is key to prevention. Be sure to have the good touch, bad touch discussion with your child at an early age using simple, age appropriate terms.
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