One of the biggest favors you can do for your children is to help them become friends with each other. From the time that my second child was born, I began to tell my children how important it is to have a sibling. I told them how they would always have each other. I told them that they were family and there isn't anyone more important than their family.
Turning your children into friends can be a tricky business. They need to understand that siblings are forever, but you have to help the process along. You have to set the circumstances by reducing the reasons for them to be rivals. You don't want them to feel like they need to compete for your attention or affection. You need to appreciate them as individuals by welcoming their strengths and differences.
When the younger one is an infant and you are crazy busy, you need to be aware that the older one will have very natural jealous feelings about the baby. You can work to curb those feelings with simple statements of how the baby belongs to all of you. Have the older child help, include the older child as much as possible. Reinforce what a great older sibling they are going to be by helping to teach the baby how to talk and play. Make sure you tell them how much you love them and how important they are to you. Find time to give them hugs and pay attention to them when the baby is sleeping or content. Be careful not to make them promises that you can not keep because the timing of the baby's needs is unreliable. This may cause resentment and hurt feelings. Doing things spur of the moment will work best.
It is important to encourage them to see the good in each other. And encourage them to support each other in sports by attending the games. It is important to help them find and promote each others talents. Try very hard not to compare them and make either of them feel inferior to the other. When school grades are issued, keep your disappointments to yourself until you are able to speak privately to them. Please try not to shame one in front of the other. It will not make the situation any better and it may put a real wall between them. They will both grow and mature at different rates because they will not always have the exact same experiences.
When they are angry with each other, let them try to work it out unless it comes to physical attacks. Please don't allow name calling, that can be very hurtful and we all know you can't take words back once they leave your mouth. Being siblings is where you learn about getting along with others. These are the early years where you test what works and what doesn't work as you play together. If you find one or the other taking over everything and not allowing the other to ever be in control; you may want to work with them to learn compromise. When you interfere with regular arguments it may look as if you are taking sides. If they can't work it out alone, acknowledge both of their anger and try to help them with a solution.
Making them respect each other's property and having them ask permission from each other to borrow something will also help them become better friends. If you allow them to take each others things without asking or by asking you, you will be defeating the goal. They need to communicate and learn to compromise with each other. Please make sure that they learn to apologize to each other even if the hurt was unintentional.
In most cases the younger sibling will mimic and try to mirror what the older sibling is doing well. They often want to be like them even during play. At times this becomes an issue for the older sibling and they complain about the younger copying them. You can help this situation by pointing out to the older sibling that the younger is copying because they admire them and find their ideas much more interesting than their own. Explain that copying is not a bad thing but instead it is a huge compliment.
Please remember that even though the first child is older and more capable does not mean they are not still a child. They have had you to their self for a while and still need you. Yes, you should have expectations from the older child but make sure you are not setting them too high depending on their age. Please do not be offended if the older child is not very happy about the baby being around after the initial newness wears off. Make sure to give them time, as well as listen to and allow them to have their feelings about the change this has made in their life. Still keep in mind that it is the natural order of things if they are taking it too far.
By avoiding making your children compete for your love, attention, and acceptance, you will be giving them the gift of a life long friend. If you are careful not to turn them into rivals but have them support each others strengths and talents, they have a better chance of being not only siblings but good friends. When your children like each other, it always makes a much happier family unit. Doing your part by allowing them to work out their differences, respect each other's belongings, and constantly reinforcing how lucky they are to have each other, will go a long way towards building a lifelong bond.
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