It is so unfortunate that this is something that we even have to worry about but bullying is a very real problem. Studies are showing that bullying is beginning at younger and younger ages. Please be aware that when your child tells you that they are being bullied, picked on, attacked, embarrassed... by others, that you as the parent need to take the situation seriously. Many children don't inform their parents that a situation exists so be thankful that your child is communicating this very painful ordeal. Make sure to get involved and stop the situation before it becomes too late.
Repeated bullying can cause severe emotional harm, and can ruin your child's self esteem and mental health. They may begin to feel helpless, worthless, and powerless. They also feel ashamed. Your child might begin to suffer from anxiety, depression, or panic attacks. In some cases your child will reverse the role and become a bully themselves.
Keep in mind the bully doesn't only scare the victim into compliance but keeps other children from helping or speaking out because they are afraid of becoming the bully's next target. The bully ends up with all of the power. Unfortunately, the bully is not always a peer but sometimes an adult.
Children react differently when being bullied so unless they inform you about the situation it is not always easy to detect the problem. Some of the signs of bullying are:
1) Not wanting to attend school or other activities with peers.
2) Loss of possessions without a valid explanation.
3) Suddenly clingy and/or afraid to be alone.
4) Difficultly sleeping and maybe bed wetting.
5) Complaints of headaches or stomachaches, visits to the school nurse.
6) Appearance of unexplained bruises or scrapes.
7) Begins to bully younger siblings or friends.
8) Change in eating habits and/or unexpected poor grades.
9) Often being sad, feeling lonely, feeling blame for not being good enough.
10) Becomes sullen, withdrawn, and difficultly talking about everyday occurrences.
If you do recognize the symptoms of bullying and your child seems unable to verbalize their feelings, you will need to ask them direct and specific questions relating to which ever signs you have seen. For example: You seem to being missing a lot of your favorite toys lately, is someone taking them from you? Suddenly, you are being very unfriendly and tough on your little sister, who do you see behaving that way? You have been very hungry after school lately, is someone taking part of your lunch?... Keep in mind that you may learn more from their facial expression or body language then from anything they tell you verbally.
If you still feel in your gut that you are correct and are unable to get your child to talk, try sharing a story regarding someone being bullied and how they needed to get an adult to help them fix the problem. Since bullying is often a shameful or embarrassing feeling, your child may have difficultly sharing it with you because he or she may be afraid that you will be angry. If necessary, share the information with a trusted adult and have them speak with your child. Please keep in mind the importance of bringing the problem out in the open.
One of your child's classmates or teammates may be much more willing to share information since they are not the victim. When at athletic events, keep your eyes and ears open to what other parents may be discussing regarding the dynamics of the team players. It is important to figure out when and where the bullying is taking place so that you can find out who is doing the bullying. Once you have more information you will be able to involve the coach or teacher(s) in a solution. Please don't ignore this situation because it will not go away on it's own. Even if your child stops speaking about it, it doesn't mean the behavior has ceased. Your child may have given up and is internalizing the situation. If you still feel there is an issue, please seek professional help.
Bullying seems to be more widespread and happening at younger ages than in the past. More children are in daycare and after school programs where it is survival of the fittest. Many programs are overseen by teenagers who do not have a lot of life experience and do not know how to handle bullying situations. Bullying is an attack on your child's self esteem and possibly their mental health as well. Remember that embarrassment often prevents your child from sharing that humiliation with you. Children do not have the life experience to know that the bully is the problem and they are not at fault. Sometimes the bully is not a peer but an adult. They need the help of either you or another trusted adult.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Dealing With Sibling Arguments
When you are dealing with sibling arguments it is so easy to want to intervene. But teaching them how to settle their own arguments will help them learn to get along in the world. You are not always going to be there to help them settle their differences with others. There is not always an adult present to settle disagreements for them. Communicating is key to a successful future. Sibling arguments are early lessons in adversity. We need to help our children learn to deal with adversity.
I think that it is extremely important not to place blame on the older sibling and assume that they should know better. Being older does not mean they are at fault and certainly does not mean they are in the wrong. I have been surprised how often the younger one knows just how to yell or cry to get the older sibling in trouble. Over the years, younger siblings have told me many stories about pulling out the "crying card" just to get their way. Some of the younger children actually enjoyed seeing their older sibling get into trouble.
On the other hand, I have heard of the older one teasing the younger one until they yell so that the parent is upset with the younger one for yelling. It is certainly a two way street when it comes to sibling arguments. Often the younger child has felt free to use something belonging to the older child without asking their permission. Making the older feel that their personal space has been invaded. Respect for each others possessions and asking permission is always a must. It teaches children boundaries. Here is your chance to be a good mediator and teacher, not a judge or dictator.
Please remember, if you are not in the room to witness exactly what has transpired it is hardly fair to assume the guilt or innocence of either of them. So helping them learn to solve their differences with each other is the better solution. Young children have a tendency to tell how they wished it may have transpired instead of how the difficultly actually happened. Please do not forget to listen to what both children have to say. It is helpful to have them acknowledge hearing the other sibling by repeating each others side of the story. Let them know you expect them be respectful when the other is speaking. They also need to learn early on that physical violence is NEVER the solution to an argument. Neither is name calling. Both are inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
When you do decide to intervene their are a few things that I would like to point out. I think it is really important to acknowledge their anger. Let them both know that you hear them and understand they are both angry. It is important that you point out for each of them why the other is angry or better yet have them help make this point for each other. "Why do you think that your brother is so angry with you?" It is important to show respect when describing their feelings about the issue. By expressing the opinions of both of them equally, you are showing that you are not taking sides.
By asking questions, instead of giving advice or solutions you are helping them to think through their differences. It is helpful to teach them how to "walk in each others shoes" by asking how they would feel if their roles were reversed. You will be giving them lessons in sympathy, empathy and the tools to help them communicate well. Let them know that you are confident that they will come up with a plausible solution.
In younger children all of the above steps are important but in simpler terms. It is often helpful to have them play separately for a while to think about their differences and come up with a way to play nicely together again. This will often do the trick because they ultimately would rather be playing together. The previous issues often disappear when they resume playing together. Sometimes it is simply needing a break from each other. If they need the time apart to regroup that is fine too. It is similar to our time away from our spouse or family member to do something on our own or have time to ourselves.
With toddlers sometimes settling the disagreement can be as easy as removing the toy that is being fought over from both and saying "You may have it back when you learn to take turns or share it. In the mean time, there are plenty of other toys for you to play with." Explain that sharing and taking turns, working out their differences will bring the toy back into play. And sometimes they need a break or an adult to redirect play time by introducing a different toy or game. If you chose to remove the "offending" toy, let them fuss about it, acknowledge their anger or hurt feelings but do not put it back into play until later. I have had children say to me, "Remember when you took ____, it was because I wouldn't share it with _____." You have to love the daily life lessons when your child has that "light bulb" moment.
There is nothing unnatural about siblings having disagreements. These disagreements are part of learning to get along with others. These are practice sessions for figuring out what they can and can not get away with when dealing with other human beings. This is why it is so important not to have the older child give into the younger child all the time. The younger child needs to realize that they are not the center of the universe and they shouldn't automatically get their way. Our children are very smart, even the young ones. The younger child needs to learn to take turns, compromise, share toys with others, use their communication skills, and good manners (please and thank you) with their family. These skills help them get along on the outside. If they are given their way much of the time, they are not going to play well with others. They will take what they know and try it outside of the family unit. This makes it much tougher on them when they get that taste of the real world.
It is an essential part of the process to learn to cope with these emotions on their own. Our children need to be part of the solution which helps them become aware of other peoples feelings and ideas. With our guidance and patience our children will have a better start in the real world. Learning how to deal with conflict and not being afraid to communicate their thoughts and feelings is a huge step towards social success. By teaching our children to problem solve we are giving them a lifelong skill. Socialization is a vital part of our survival. We learn to socialize first in our family unit where we feel safe and loved. We take those behaviors out into the world with us as a guide on how to live outside our safety zone.
I think that it is extremely important not to place blame on the older sibling and assume that they should know better. Being older does not mean they are at fault and certainly does not mean they are in the wrong. I have been surprised how often the younger one knows just how to yell or cry to get the older sibling in trouble. Over the years, younger siblings have told me many stories about pulling out the "crying card" just to get their way. Some of the younger children actually enjoyed seeing their older sibling get into trouble.
On the other hand, I have heard of the older one teasing the younger one until they yell so that the parent is upset with the younger one for yelling. It is certainly a two way street when it comes to sibling arguments. Often the younger child has felt free to use something belonging to the older child without asking their permission. Making the older feel that their personal space has been invaded. Respect for each others possessions and asking permission is always a must. It teaches children boundaries. Here is your chance to be a good mediator and teacher, not a judge or dictator.
Please remember, if you are not in the room to witness exactly what has transpired it is hardly fair to assume the guilt or innocence of either of them. So helping them learn to solve their differences with each other is the better solution. Young children have a tendency to tell how they wished it may have transpired instead of how the difficultly actually happened. Please do not forget to listen to what both children have to say. It is helpful to have them acknowledge hearing the other sibling by repeating each others side of the story. Let them know you expect them be respectful when the other is speaking. They also need to learn early on that physical violence is NEVER the solution to an argument. Neither is name calling. Both are inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
When you do decide to intervene their are a few things that I would like to point out. I think it is really important to acknowledge their anger. Let them both know that you hear them and understand they are both angry. It is important that you point out for each of them why the other is angry or better yet have them help make this point for each other. "Why do you think that your brother is so angry with you?" It is important to show respect when describing their feelings about the issue. By expressing the opinions of both of them equally, you are showing that you are not taking sides.
By asking questions, instead of giving advice or solutions you are helping them to think through their differences. It is helpful to teach them how to "walk in each others shoes" by asking how they would feel if their roles were reversed. You will be giving them lessons in sympathy, empathy and the tools to help them communicate well. Let them know that you are confident that they will come up with a plausible solution.
In younger children all of the above steps are important but in simpler terms. It is often helpful to have them play separately for a while to think about their differences and come up with a way to play nicely together again. This will often do the trick because they ultimately would rather be playing together. The previous issues often disappear when they resume playing together. Sometimes it is simply needing a break from each other. If they need the time apart to regroup that is fine too. It is similar to our time away from our spouse or family member to do something on our own or have time to ourselves.
With toddlers sometimes settling the disagreement can be as easy as removing the toy that is being fought over from both and saying "You may have it back when you learn to take turns or share it. In the mean time, there are plenty of other toys for you to play with." Explain that sharing and taking turns, working out their differences will bring the toy back into play. And sometimes they need a break or an adult to redirect play time by introducing a different toy or game. If you chose to remove the "offending" toy, let them fuss about it, acknowledge their anger or hurt feelings but do not put it back into play until later. I have had children say to me, "Remember when you took ____, it was because I wouldn't share it with _____." You have to love the daily life lessons when your child has that "light bulb" moment.
There is nothing unnatural about siblings having disagreements. These disagreements are part of learning to get along with others. These are practice sessions for figuring out what they can and can not get away with when dealing with other human beings. This is why it is so important not to have the older child give into the younger child all the time. The younger child needs to realize that they are not the center of the universe and they shouldn't automatically get their way. Our children are very smart, even the young ones. The younger child needs to learn to take turns, compromise, share toys with others, use their communication skills, and good manners (please and thank you) with their family. These skills help them get along on the outside. If they are given their way much of the time, they are not going to play well with others. They will take what they know and try it outside of the family unit. This makes it much tougher on them when they get that taste of the real world.
It is an essential part of the process to learn to cope with these emotions on their own. Our children need to be part of the solution which helps them become aware of other peoples feelings and ideas. With our guidance and patience our children will have a better start in the real world. Learning how to deal with conflict and not being afraid to communicate their thoughts and feelings is a huge step towards social success. By teaching our children to problem solve we are giving them a lifelong skill. Socialization is a vital part of our survival. We learn to socialize first in our family unit where we feel safe and loved. We take those behaviors out into the world with us as a guide on how to live outside our safety zone.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Instilling Values and Morals in Your Child
Real values - beliefs and standards to live by. Morals - principles and standards with respect to right and wrong in conduct. What are your values? What do you want to pass on to your children? How do you wish them to conduct themselves in public? What do you want their belief system to be? These are important questions for you to ask yourself regarding how you want to raise your child and what kind of citizen you want your child to be.
How do you go about teaching your child about being a good citizen? First and foremost, you have to be a good example for them. They will most likely follow what they see. It's amazing how much young children pick up on in their own environment. Who do you want their examples to be? We have the opportunity as parents to use what is happening around us to teach our children about life and acceptable behavior.
Let's just say that your Dad tends to yell and swear. This doesn't mean that you have to keep your child away from your Dad but you can use his misbehavior to teach your child to behave appropriately. Now you may not chose to do this in front of your Dad but don't be shy about telling your child how it makes you feel when Dad yells and swears. And how that behavior is inappropriate.
Same with a good example. Your Grandmother is the sweetest most thoughtful person on earth. You might express to your child how special it makes you feel to be spoken to so nicely and how Grandma is always making a special effort to listen and cares about what your child has to say. The way that she spends time with them and gives them her full attention when they are speaking. She makes them feel important to her.
When you see another child acting up in a store and not behaving up to expectations, use this as an example, as a teachable moment. Would you want to look like that and have everyone staring at you? Doesn't that child look unruly and foolish? I am glad that you know better and do not express that behavior in the store.
Rudeness is something that children often learn from experience. Are you at your best behavior as you grocery shop? Do you excuse yourself as you walk in front of others while going down the aisles? Are you patient about waiting your turn at the checkout? Are you kind to the cashier? These are all behaviors that your child is going to emulate.
Lying is something they may also hear you do or maybe you don't. But they can be very young and realize that you have not told the truth. Young children; five and under might lie even if they haven't heard you lie because they wish what they are saying is true. They need to be corrected but not harshly, they need to know that their "lie" is pretend. An older child lying is definitely an issue and should not be ignored. They need to know straight out that lying is unacceptable.
While having your child go to church may be an excellent idea, please don't leave it up to the church to teach your child values and moral conduct. Church is once per week and these should be every day lessons that you instill in your child. Your Church can certainly be a reinforcement of what you teach at home. It isn't about threats but it is about communicating with your child on a daily basis regarding living in our world.
Teaching your child not to burn their bridges is an important lesson. Someone that they may not get along with today could end up being their best friend in high school. People are constantly changing and evolving. People learn different life lessons at different times in their lives. I was careful when my children were very small with whom they spent their time. I chose to get to know the parents and see if we had the same ideas about how to raise our children. I wanted to know if we were teaching our children similar ideas and values.
When my children came in contact with children at the park that didn't have manners, were rude, disrespectful of others or mean... We talked about these issues. I asked lots of questions about how it made them feel. I pointed out how they would make someone else feel if they repeated these type of behaviors. I also spoke to the child at the park and suggested that their behavior wasn't very nice. It certainly is possible they are not being taught these lessons at home.
But sheltering your child from bad behavior in others DOES NOT prepare them for what is to come in the world. When they are then facing a couple bullies in second grade they are completely unprepared on how to handle themselves. Step in, speak with the teacher and the principal if necessary. As adults it is difficult to know how to handle the bad behavior of another adult. Imagine how a second grader feels about trying to handle these feelings on their own. Talk to them about why bullies behave the way they do, give them ways to handle the situation, and don't be afraid to get involved. Don't tell them to ignore the bully because the bully will not go away on their own. It is important to listen to and acknowledge your child's feelings. It is our job to teach them how to deal with these situations. It is our responsibility to make sure that we are not raising a bully of our own making.
It is important during these life lessons to have your child get in touch with their feelings and help make them aware that other people have feelings. This helps them to realize that they are not the center of the universe and that other people count. It helps your children become respectful of others.
What are your values? Being kind to others. "Treating others like you would like to be treated." Are you teaching by example? By showing respect for others peoples property, ideas and space. Are you using please and thank you? Are you taking advantage of teachable moments? Straight talk with your children is the best as long as you keep it age appropriate. Two way communication is vital to the learning process. Communication means expressing thoughts and feelings as well as listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings. Start early by sharing your beliefs with your child to help them become a valuable, well respected member of society. These days it is important to realize that their society begins as soon as they start daycare.
How do you go about teaching your child about being a good citizen? First and foremost, you have to be a good example for them. They will most likely follow what they see. It's amazing how much young children pick up on in their own environment. Who do you want their examples to be? We have the opportunity as parents to use what is happening around us to teach our children about life and acceptable behavior.
Let's just say that your Dad tends to yell and swear. This doesn't mean that you have to keep your child away from your Dad but you can use his misbehavior to teach your child to behave appropriately. Now you may not chose to do this in front of your Dad but don't be shy about telling your child how it makes you feel when Dad yells and swears. And how that behavior is inappropriate.
Same with a good example. Your Grandmother is the sweetest most thoughtful person on earth. You might express to your child how special it makes you feel to be spoken to so nicely and how Grandma is always making a special effort to listen and cares about what your child has to say. The way that she spends time with them and gives them her full attention when they are speaking. She makes them feel important to her.
When you see another child acting up in a store and not behaving up to expectations, use this as an example, as a teachable moment. Would you want to look like that and have everyone staring at you? Doesn't that child look unruly and foolish? I am glad that you know better and do not express that behavior in the store.
Rudeness is something that children often learn from experience. Are you at your best behavior as you grocery shop? Do you excuse yourself as you walk in front of others while going down the aisles? Are you patient about waiting your turn at the checkout? Are you kind to the cashier? These are all behaviors that your child is going to emulate.
Lying is something they may also hear you do or maybe you don't. But they can be very young and realize that you have not told the truth. Young children; five and under might lie even if they haven't heard you lie because they wish what they are saying is true. They need to be corrected but not harshly, they need to know that their "lie" is pretend. An older child lying is definitely an issue and should not be ignored. They need to know straight out that lying is unacceptable.
While having your child go to church may be an excellent idea, please don't leave it up to the church to teach your child values and moral conduct. Church is once per week and these should be every day lessons that you instill in your child. Your Church can certainly be a reinforcement of what you teach at home. It isn't about threats but it is about communicating with your child on a daily basis regarding living in our world.
Teaching your child not to burn their bridges is an important lesson. Someone that they may not get along with today could end up being their best friend in high school. People are constantly changing and evolving. People learn different life lessons at different times in their lives. I was careful when my children were very small with whom they spent their time. I chose to get to know the parents and see if we had the same ideas about how to raise our children. I wanted to know if we were teaching our children similar ideas and values.
When my children came in contact with children at the park that didn't have manners, were rude, disrespectful of others or mean... We talked about these issues. I asked lots of questions about how it made them feel. I pointed out how they would make someone else feel if they repeated these type of behaviors. I also spoke to the child at the park and suggested that their behavior wasn't very nice. It certainly is possible they are not being taught these lessons at home.
But sheltering your child from bad behavior in others DOES NOT prepare them for what is to come in the world. When they are then facing a couple bullies in second grade they are completely unprepared on how to handle themselves. Step in, speak with the teacher and the principal if necessary. As adults it is difficult to know how to handle the bad behavior of another adult. Imagine how a second grader feels about trying to handle these feelings on their own. Talk to them about why bullies behave the way they do, give them ways to handle the situation, and don't be afraid to get involved. Don't tell them to ignore the bully because the bully will not go away on their own. It is important to listen to and acknowledge your child's feelings. It is our job to teach them how to deal with these situations. It is our responsibility to make sure that we are not raising a bully of our own making.
It is important during these life lessons to have your child get in touch with their feelings and help make them aware that other people have feelings. This helps them to realize that they are not the center of the universe and that other people count. It helps your children become respectful of others.
What are your values? Being kind to others. "Treating others like you would like to be treated." Are you teaching by example? By showing respect for others peoples property, ideas and space. Are you using please and thank you? Are you taking advantage of teachable moments? Straight talk with your children is the best as long as you keep it age appropriate. Two way communication is vital to the learning process. Communication means expressing thoughts and feelings as well as listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings. Start early by sharing your beliefs with your child to help them become a valuable, well respected member of society. These days it is important to realize that their society begins as soon as they start daycare.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Safety Issues for Toddlers and Children
More often than not correcting a toddler or young child has to do with a safety issue. Either their personal safety, the safety of another child or the safety of an object in your home. Of course their personal safety is a main priority. If you think parenting is tough try dealing with a toddler in the emergency room because of situation that may have been prevented. When they get hurt most parents feel some sense of guilt anyway but if you could have stopped the behavior, the guilt doubles.
The throwing of toys presents safety issues on all fronts. Sometimes allowing them to throw a soft toy can lead to throwing other toys such as blocks. Young children do not know how to differentiate between what would hurt someone else if thrown and what would not. They are also not old enough to know that their aim isn't very good. I do not think that many parents are happy when a toddler mistakenly hits the TV with a drum or book. A no throwing in the house rule helps stop the need for young children to decide what might be okay and what is not.
They need to be taught not to touch breakable items that are on the tables or counters. There are many heavy or breakable items stored in the kitchen therefore they need to be taught not to go in the kitchen cabinets, "not for you." Some couches are quite tall so they should know not to climb up on the back of the couch, "not safe." A very large percentage of emergency visits are connected to jumping on beds, "not safe, you could fall and get hurt." Do not lean on the screen of a sliding door, "not safe, don't push on the door, it could fall out." Yes, children can be very curious but there are safe ways to satisfy their curiosity. A large pillow on the floor is good for jumping on.
If you don't sit on couch then you are not allowed to be on the couch. I have had to say that a million times over the years as I have had toddlers in my home. Trying to keep a toddler with a broken collar bone still for three or more days is a terrible experience. Having your children sit properly on the couch is not only a safety issue but it teaches them respect for your belongings. It also means that when you are ready to relax in the evening you don't have them jumping all around you on the couch.
Climbing up on kitchen counters may not seem like a big deal but it eliminates another safe place for you to keep certain unsafe items such as medicines out of their reach. I know of a young girl that climbed up on the counter next to the stove and caught her clothes on fire. There have been many cases where children have used the oven door as a step to get to the counter and entire stoves have tipped over on the child. Certain activities should not be allowed for good reasons. There is climbing appropriate playground equipment, it makes more sense to use these not random objects in the home.
I found that teaching my children about safety, not that they didn't get hurt occasionally but I feel it made them more aware of their surroundings. It built their common sense in another area of their life.
I can not tell you how many 7 to 10 year old children I have been with that do not know how to safely cross a street. Don't laugh, I am being totally serious. I have even had a 12 year old walk out in the street without checking both ways, and she has done this on numerous occasions. Many children take the bus or are driven to school instead of walking and are not being taught this elementary skill.
Yes, we want to keep our toddlers away from the street but we also want them to be aware of the danger of stepping into the street. When I take the little ones for a walk in the stroller, whenever we come to an intersection I have them tell me whether it is safe to go or do we need to wait for a car to pass. I even have them look over their shoulder in case a car should be turning from behind us. Drivers seem much less aware of the fact that pedestrians should have the right of way. Many drivers are on the phone or even texting while driving and not paying attention as they should be. I have found this to be especially true on residential streets where they seem to think it is less crowded so actually safer. But the reality is that you never know when there will be a child (that doesn't know how to properly cross the street) or a loose pet that will come flying down the driveway.
Recently, I went out to water my garden. When I went to turn on the hose which is next to the air conditioner I was shocked to see how unsafe the air conditioner is. Yikes, it was running at the time and this very large bladed fan was only covered by a rack that had areas large enough for a small child to put their hand or arm in there, or a stick, or a bat, or a rock,... I think you get the picture. If you have been thinking that your fenced back yard is safe for your children to play in, please take a look at your air conditioning unit. It only takes a second for an accident to happen.
Another place where I have seen many accidents waiting to happen are store parking lots where children are allowed or not stopped from darting ahead of parents. It is not the responsibility of the other drivers to watch out for loose children. Many are older drivers that have been getting shorter over the years and can not see properly over the hood of their cars. Small children are very difficult to see when they are no taller than the hood or trunk of a car. Children need to be taught to hold your hand in the parking lots or they need to remain in the cart until they a safely placed in your vehicle. I have yelled stop on a number of occasions in parking lots to prevent such accidents from happening. Because you are taller and more visible your child should be walking on the inside away from the moving traffic. I can not believe sometimes how close a car will pass by me in a parking lot.
Another safety issue that is not often addressed is children running around with a toothbrush or other long object in their mouth. Should they trip and fall forward as many children do, this could become lodged in their throat. I have had parents say to me " but they like their toothbrush, this means they will take better care of their teeth." It is not a toy and it is not safe to walk around with it hanging out of their mouth. Using it properly is the lesson they need to learn. Should they fall and get it lodged in their throat, do not pull it out it could cause bleeding that can only be stopped by a medical professional.
Yes, accidents are going to happen. The reason they are called accidents is because they are unintentional. But some accidents can be prevented by teaching your toddler and young children that certain activities surrounding safety are not permitted. Yes, children and toddlers fall often, we see lots of bumps and bruises while they learn to ride a bike, roller skate, even run and jump. Teaching your child about the dangers of certain inappropriate behavior can eliminate some bigger more traumatic injuries. It will teach them to use their common sense and not take unnecessary risks.
The throwing of toys presents safety issues on all fronts. Sometimes allowing them to throw a soft toy can lead to throwing other toys such as blocks. Young children do not know how to differentiate between what would hurt someone else if thrown and what would not. They are also not old enough to know that their aim isn't very good. I do not think that many parents are happy when a toddler mistakenly hits the TV with a drum or book. A no throwing in the house rule helps stop the need for young children to decide what might be okay and what is not.
They need to be taught not to touch breakable items that are on the tables or counters. There are many heavy or breakable items stored in the kitchen therefore they need to be taught not to go in the kitchen cabinets, "not for you." Some couches are quite tall so they should know not to climb up on the back of the couch, "not safe." A very large percentage of emergency visits are connected to jumping on beds, "not safe, you could fall and get hurt." Do not lean on the screen of a sliding door, "not safe, don't push on the door, it could fall out." Yes, children can be very curious but there are safe ways to satisfy their curiosity. A large pillow on the floor is good for jumping on.
If you don't sit on couch then you are not allowed to be on the couch. I have had to say that a million times over the years as I have had toddlers in my home. Trying to keep a toddler with a broken collar bone still for three or more days is a terrible experience. Having your children sit properly on the couch is not only a safety issue but it teaches them respect for your belongings. It also means that when you are ready to relax in the evening you don't have them jumping all around you on the couch.
Climbing up on kitchen counters may not seem like a big deal but it eliminates another safe place for you to keep certain unsafe items such as medicines out of their reach. I know of a young girl that climbed up on the counter next to the stove and caught her clothes on fire. There have been many cases where children have used the oven door as a step to get to the counter and entire stoves have tipped over on the child. Certain activities should not be allowed for good reasons. There is climbing appropriate playground equipment, it makes more sense to use these not random objects in the home.
I found that teaching my children about safety, not that they didn't get hurt occasionally but I feel it made them more aware of their surroundings. It built their common sense in another area of their life.
I can not tell you how many 7 to 10 year old children I have been with that do not know how to safely cross a street. Don't laugh, I am being totally serious. I have even had a 12 year old walk out in the street without checking both ways, and she has done this on numerous occasions. Many children take the bus or are driven to school instead of walking and are not being taught this elementary skill.
Yes, we want to keep our toddlers away from the street but we also want them to be aware of the danger of stepping into the street. When I take the little ones for a walk in the stroller, whenever we come to an intersection I have them tell me whether it is safe to go or do we need to wait for a car to pass. I even have them look over their shoulder in case a car should be turning from behind us. Drivers seem much less aware of the fact that pedestrians should have the right of way. Many drivers are on the phone or even texting while driving and not paying attention as they should be. I have found this to be especially true on residential streets where they seem to think it is less crowded so actually safer. But the reality is that you never know when there will be a child (that doesn't know how to properly cross the street) or a loose pet that will come flying down the driveway.
Recently, I went out to water my garden. When I went to turn on the hose which is next to the air conditioner I was shocked to see how unsafe the air conditioner is. Yikes, it was running at the time and this very large bladed fan was only covered by a rack that had areas large enough for a small child to put their hand or arm in there, or a stick, or a bat, or a rock,... I think you get the picture. If you have been thinking that your fenced back yard is safe for your children to play in, please take a look at your air conditioning unit. It only takes a second for an accident to happen.
Another place where I have seen many accidents waiting to happen are store parking lots where children are allowed or not stopped from darting ahead of parents. It is not the responsibility of the other drivers to watch out for loose children. Many are older drivers that have been getting shorter over the years and can not see properly over the hood of their cars. Small children are very difficult to see when they are no taller than the hood or trunk of a car. Children need to be taught to hold your hand in the parking lots or they need to remain in the cart until they a safely placed in your vehicle. I have yelled stop on a number of occasions in parking lots to prevent such accidents from happening. Because you are taller and more visible your child should be walking on the inside away from the moving traffic. I can not believe sometimes how close a car will pass by me in a parking lot.
Another safety issue that is not often addressed is children running around with a toothbrush or other long object in their mouth. Should they trip and fall forward as many children do, this could become lodged in their throat. I have had parents say to me " but they like their toothbrush, this means they will take better care of their teeth." It is not a toy and it is not safe to walk around with it hanging out of their mouth. Using it properly is the lesson they need to learn. Should they fall and get it lodged in their throat, do not pull it out it could cause bleeding that can only be stopped by a medical professional.
Yes, accidents are going to happen. The reason they are called accidents is because they are unintentional. But some accidents can be prevented by teaching your toddler and young children that certain activities surrounding safety are not permitted. Yes, children and toddlers fall often, we see lots of bumps and bruises while they learn to ride a bike, roller skate, even run and jump. Teaching your child about the dangers of certain inappropriate behavior can eliminate some bigger more traumatic injuries. It will teach them to use their common sense and not take unnecessary risks.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
The Benefits of Skillful Parenting for Both the Children and Adults
Last weekend I took my daughter back to college for her sophomore year. This year was definitely much easier than last year. There are a couple of good reasons why it was easier. First of all, she knew what to pack and we had already purchased many of the larger and or necessary items like bedding, towels, refrigerator... Secondly, I already know that I can trust her decisions and that she will once again do great on her own. She proved this to me last year by taking care of herself when she got sick, attending her classes, doing her homework, and no underage drinking. Basically, taking care of anything that came up. And to top it off, she had a 4.0 grade point average both semesters. She found it to be a wonderful experience, had a great time and formed several new friendships.
One of the biggest reasons for her to buckle down and do the work is because she will be paying for the majority of her college herself. When you are paying your own way, you definitely don't want to be wasting your own money. Their are thousands of horror stories of kids that have gone to college only to party, not attend classes, and waste away $20,000.00 or more of their parents hard earned money. Another thing about the college system is that many schools respect your child's privacy and don't allow parents access to their accounts or passwords. They are truly on their own. Of course, this can be worked out between you and your child to have the password to their accounts.
There are many ways in which I raised my children that have helped them to be self sufficient, to problem solve, to apply themselves to the task at hand and be good thoughtful people.
A very important lesson starting as a toddler was to respect and take care of their belongings. If they mistreated their toys and something was broken, I didn't run out and replace it. We talked about respecting books and toys, they weren't allowed to step all over them or throw them. They were taught to put them away when they were done with them. "Teaching Children to Respect Their Possessions" from May, 2016.
They learned to respect other peoples feelings and thoughts by sharing toys, taking turns, and treating others like they wanted to be treated. Sharing ideas when they were playing pretend and realizing that other children had ideas on how things should be played or built. Teaching them teamwork and listening to others. They showed respect in other people's homes, to coaches, to teachers and for other people's property.
One of the best gifts I gave them was teaching them how to handle money. And I started this at a very young age. Please see my blog "Teaching Your Child the Value of Money" from July of this year. It has helped them realize that everything needs to be earned. Money is not a free flowing, inexhaustible source. If you make the decision to follow the guidelines of that post, you have to make sure that you stick to it and they buy their own things. And that they learn to live with the unhappy choices of spender's remorse; which is the most important lesson.
I could actually pick out something from every blog idea that I have posted that has helped my children become the caring, decent people that they are today. I did the hard work not as their "friend" but as their "Mama" and I get to reap all of the rewards of them being my friend now as adults. They have both thanked me for the boundaries I set, teaching them to be respectful and giving them the skills they needed to make good decisions. They are funny, thoughtful, and wonderful to be around. I am so very grateful!!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Your Children and Social Media
In this day and age, being aware of your child's social media presence is of increasing importance. Before allowing your child accounts on various social media sites, be aware of the terms and conditions or usage of those sites. There are certain age restrictions on apps and websites that users are not always aware of. There are reasons for these restrictions. My children were allowed to use AIM back in the day but they were in the office where I was able to check on who they were communicating with.
With cell phones and tablets being in almost every child's hand these days, they may find themselves on various social media sites of which you are unaware. Speak with them about what kind of pictures they are posting and who may be seeing those pictures.
We all have heard the stories about young children that are hooked into communicating with adults that are pretending to be a child or teen. Especially children that spend a great deal of time alone.
There are certain sites like Facebook in which everyone uses their name and those are relatively safer, but on Instagram you do not necessarily know who may be following you and viewing your posts and pictures.
Your children should be aware that you are monitoring their posts and you should share conversations about what is acceptable to post and what is not acceptable. They should be aware of the ramifications of what they are saying or displaying in pictures on these sites.
Your children should be aware of the dangers of posting their address, cell phone number, location, school, or if they are alone often. They should also make sure they are dressed appropriately if sending out a picture of themselves.
The following examples were brought to my attention by several teens that I know:
-Negative posts about teachers.
-Videos taken while driving a vehicle.
-Naked babysitting children in a bathtub which is considered child pornography.
-Posts involving underage drinking.
-Posts making fun of another patron somewhere that the person posting does not even know.
-Posting themselves in bikini's or undergarments (which also could fall under the category of child pornography.)
-Bullying posts of classmates or team members.
-Stating of location while with other children and not an adult.
-Girls sending pictures of themselves in bras because they were pressured into it by boys
-Making up fake posts under a teachers name.
Make sure that you are giving them some ground rules. These ground rules are the non-negotiable rules such as indicating their location or giving out their cell phone number. Making Facebook closed unless accepted by you or them. Allow them to help make the rules, build trust and know that they understand why these rules are being put in place. Let them know that you love them and want to keep them safe and tell them that media can still be a fun past time even with these safety measures in place. Please do not just allow them the password or your credit card for indiscriminate usage.
It really should not be necessary for you to stalk your child's posts. The ground rules you make together and the conversations regarding what is and is not appropriate should set the tone. If you should discover inappropriate posts after you have set the rules, make sure there are connected consequences for their actions. Take their tablet, their phone, or laptop. Set up parental controls. Make sure they take responsibility for their actions.
Due to my lengthy conversations with my children while using AIM and since then other social media, I was able to trust their judgement and we built trust over time that they were using these items properly. One of my most important ground rules was to never type or post a picture of anything that you wouldn't allow anyone to either read or see. It really made them think about the posts they decided to share.
Social media is not going away. There are definite concerns regarding the appropriateness of their posts and pictures. Please make sure that you are monitoring what your children are doing on apps and social sites. They should be aware that you are keeping an eye on what they are doing. Make sure that you have the conversations prior to their having regrets about something that they have posted.
I want to thank my daughter for the idea, information, and collaboration on this post!
With cell phones and tablets being in almost every child's hand these days, they may find themselves on various social media sites of which you are unaware. Speak with them about what kind of pictures they are posting and who may be seeing those pictures.
We all have heard the stories about young children that are hooked into communicating with adults that are pretending to be a child or teen. Especially children that spend a great deal of time alone.
There are certain sites like Facebook in which everyone uses their name and those are relatively safer, but on Instagram you do not necessarily know who may be following you and viewing your posts and pictures.
Your children should be aware that you are monitoring their posts and you should share conversations about what is acceptable to post and what is not acceptable. They should be aware of the ramifications of what they are saying or displaying in pictures on these sites.
Your children should be aware of the dangers of posting their address, cell phone number, location, school, or if they are alone often. They should also make sure they are dressed appropriately if sending out a picture of themselves.
The following examples were brought to my attention by several teens that I know:
-Negative posts about teachers.
-Videos taken while driving a vehicle.
-Naked babysitting children in a bathtub which is considered child pornography.
-Posts involving underage drinking.
-Posts making fun of another patron somewhere that the person posting does not even know.
-Posting themselves in bikini's or undergarments (which also could fall under the category of child pornography.)
-Bullying posts of classmates or team members.
-Stating of location while with other children and not an adult.
-Girls sending pictures of themselves in bras because they were pressured into it by boys
-Making up fake posts under a teachers name.
Make sure that you are giving them some ground rules. These ground rules are the non-negotiable rules such as indicating their location or giving out their cell phone number. Making Facebook closed unless accepted by you or them. Allow them to help make the rules, build trust and know that they understand why these rules are being put in place. Let them know that you love them and want to keep them safe and tell them that media can still be a fun past time even with these safety measures in place. Please do not just allow them the password or your credit card for indiscriminate usage.
It really should not be necessary for you to stalk your child's posts. The ground rules you make together and the conversations regarding what is and is not appropriate should set the tone. If you should discover inappropriate posts after you have set the rules, make sure there are connected consequences for their actions. Take their tablet, their phone, or laptop. Set up parental controls. Make sure they take responsibility for their actions.
Due to my lengthy conversations with my children while using AIM and since then other social media, I was able to trust their judgement and we built trust over time that they were using these items properly. One of my most important ground rules was to never type or post a picture of anything that you wouldn't allow anyone to either read or see. It really made them think about the posts they decided to share.
Social media is not going away. There are definite concerns regarding the appropriateness of their posts and pictures. Please make sure that you are monitoring what your children are doing on apps and social sites. They should be aware that you are keeping an eye on what they are doing. Make sure that you have the conversations prior to their having regrets about something that they have posted.
I want to thank my daughter for the idea, information, and collaboration on this post!
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
The Value of Your Child Learning How to Empathize
The American Heritage Dictionary defines empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives.
My daughter felt this was one of the important skills that I had taught her, and placed it on a list of topics that she thought I should share. I confess I have kind of put this topic off because it is difficult to explain.
I guess first and foremost, when my children were ill I expressed a lot of empathy. I made them my priority until they felt well enough to eat normal and play normal again. But when they were miserable, I was right there as much as physically possible. I held them, sat with them, listened to their feelings and their complaints. I put myself in their shoes and gave them the love, care, respect, and attention required to let them know I understood how badly they really felt. Children do not have the life experience to realize that illness goes away and you are going to feel well again soon. Sometimes they are afraid that maybe their illness is fatal. Even though this fear may seem silly to us, to them it is real.
When my children would come home from school and complain about a crabby teacher that was usually nice, I would take the opportunity to point out the thousands of reasons that the teacher could have been having a bad day. I would try to relate it to experiences they were familiar with or age appropriate for them to understand.
Quite often, children can be very mean to each other. Many times my children would come home with stories of instances on the playground where children were mean to other children. I tried to encourage them to help the child that was being picked on or at least approach them after the incident to make sure that they were alright.
There were many instances in organized sports where other kids on the team would express unhappiness with the way that they played that day. I would express the fact that nobody on the team is trying to miss the ball on purpose. Are you playing the best that you can, yes, then that is all that we can ask for of you. Sometimes it would be another parent that has too much invested in the outcome of a game that is supposed to be teaching our children sportsmanship and teamwork.
Another saying that has been popular in our household is "treat others like you would like to be treated." By following this simple directive, my children learned to behave towards others "the way you would want them to behave towards you". So if they were to mistreat each other or say something unkind, I would ask them how they would feel to be treated that way. (This method is more difficult to explain to toddlers, they don't seem to be able to separate the action from the person and how it would effect them.) Sometimes, you may need to come up with several examples, not just the incident that sparked the lesson.
Since our children learn so much from our behavior and our example, we need to be careful how we are presenting ourselves. On the other hand, if we show empathy for their trials and tribulations, we too will receive empathy when we are not feeling well or something upsetting has occurred in our lives. These are steps to becoming a family of grown ups that genuinely care about each other. We show respect for how they are feeling and they learn to show respect for our feelings as well.
My daughter felt this was one of the important skills that I had taught her, and placed it on a list of topics that she thought I should share. I confess I have kind of put this topic off because it is difficult to explain.
I guess first and foremost, when my children were ill I expressed a lot of empathy. I made them my priority until they felt well enough to eat normal and play normal again. But when they were miserable, I was right there as much as physically possible. I held them, sat with them, listened to their feelings and their complaints. I put myself in their shoes and gave them the love, care, respect, and attention required to let them know I understood how badly they really felt. Children do not have the life experience to realize that illness goes away and you are going to feel well again soon. Sometimes they are afraid that maybe their illness is fatal. Even though this fear may seem silly to us, to them it is real.
When my children would come home from school and complain about a crabby teacher that was usually nice, I would take the opportunity to point out the thousands of reasons that the teacher could have been having a bad day. I would try to relate it to experiences they were familiar with or age appropriate for them to understand.
Quite often, children can be very mean to each other. Many times my children would come home with stories of instances on the playground where children were mean to other children. I tried to encourage them to help the child that was being picked on or at least approach them after the incident to make sure that they were alright.
There were many instances in organized sports where other kids on the team would express unhappiness with the way that they played that day. I would express the fact that nobody on the team is trying to miss the ball on purpose. Are you playing the best that you can, yes, then that is all that we can ask for of you. Sometimes it would be another parent that has too much invested in the outcome of a game that is supposed to be teaching our children sportsmanship and teamwork.
Another saying that has been popular in our household is "treat others like you would like to be treated." By following this simple directive, my children learned to behave towards others "the way you would want them to behave towards you". So if they were to mistreat each other or say something unkind, I would ask them how they would feel to be treated that way. (This method is more difficult to explain to toddlers, they don't seem to be able to separate the action from the person and how it would effect them.) Sometimes, you may need to come up with several examples, not just the incident that sparked the lesson.
Since our children learn so much from our behavior and our example, we need to be careful how we are presenting ourselves. On the other hand, if we show empathy for their trials and tribulations, we too will receive empathy when we are not feeling well or something upsetting has occurred in our lives. These are steps to becoming a family of grown ups that genuinely care about each other. We show respect for how they are feeling and they learn to show respect for our feelings as well.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Teaching Your Child the Value of Money
When my children were small, I had a discussion with my mother in law regarding giving your children allowance. She had given my husband and his brother allowance when they were growing up. My husband liked to save his money and his brother would spend all of his allowance quickly. I had never received allowance when we were small. My Mom paid us for jobs around the house to earn money at Christmas to buy presents for our siblings and parents. As we aged, we went to outside sources to earn money by babysitting, cutting lawns, pulling weeds, shoveling snow... and when we turned 16 years old we were all gainfully employed part time. My first job was at McDonald's.
I was actually against the idea of giving my children money until I heard about what seemed to be a good way to not just give them spending money but teach them the value of money. Here is an explanation on how it works.
1. You give them the amount of dollars equal to their age. If they are 3 years old they get 3 dollars per week. (We started when my son was 6 and my daughter was 3)
2. They are given three containers marked as follows: "Spend how you want", "Save for something special" and "Save for bank." We used peanut butter plastic jars.
3. Each week when they are given their allowance the split it into thirds and the portions go into each jar.
4. So at the end of each month we made out a deposit slip and the "bank" amount went into their savings account at the local bank. Unfortunately, over the years the banks have had a minimum requirement to open a savings account even for children. So you may need to call around to find a bank that has a children's savings account without a minimum.
We extended the thirds rule to other money that they received as well. If they were given money for their birthday or Christmas, unless they were going to purchase something specific, they split it in thirds as well. When they received a number of birthday gifts, they were often satisfied with putting a lot more money into their bank account. Sometimes they would get a significant amount in "spend how you want," and choose to move it to one of the other jars. "Bank" money was not to be touched, it was designated for the bank.
Now this is the part that you really have to be dedicated to as the adult. If you make a trip to the store and they want a candy bar at checkout, they need to use their own money to purchase it. You are done buying them anything on an everyday basis. If you go to the dollar store and they see an item for a dollar and you purchase that for them, you are debunking the system. You need to say "Okay, but you need to use your own money." I know that you are thinking it is only a dollar, but you have to look at the big picture and the long term lesson for them. Wait until you see how often they will tell you when you say they have to pay for it "I guess I really don't need that or want it that much." You will be happily surprised at how much less junk you end up with in your house. Many less toys get bought only to be forgotten about the next week.
At times, they will buy something and then wish they hadn't when they see an item that they like better. DO NOT try to fix it! It is really important for them to learn from their spending mistakes. Next time they will give their choice more thought. This is giving them the skills to make better choices when they are buying their first car, first house, or choosing a college.
Take the time to add up what you have spent recently on the little extras that your children ask for when you are at the store. Maybe you see this or that you think they might like and purchase it for them. You are going to be surprised on how much you are actually spending. This could be a lesson for you as well. Many people think nothing of spending $10 here or $20 there. Even the $2 items can add up quickly if you are not paying attention. But when you add it up at the end of the month, it could add up to much more than a month's worth of allowance. I found this out when my son was small and we would go to the store and he would ask for a new action figure. I said okay but from the bargain bin. But $3 dollars this time, $6 the next and sometimes they were 3 for $10 but it all adds up.
You are also going to find out how much better they take care of the items that they have bought for themselves. It gives them a great sense of pride that they have saved up to buy something expensive on their own. My son was only 9 years old when he purchased is own Nintendo GameCube. I was so proud of him and was telling everyone what a great job he had done and how amazing it was for someone his age to have waited so long for something that he really wanted. He had "saved for something special" often by adding "spend how you want" money to that jar. When his 9th birthday arrived he received some cash from that as well and his patience had paid off.
This money management and learning to delay their purchase until they can afford to buy something is an awesome life lesson. They learn the value of money and how important it is to make wise choices on how to spend it. By the time my son was 14 years old, he had more than enough money in the bank to put his money into a CD earning more interest than his savings account. That was another proud moment of wise money management. The first several years he earned $40 per year on his $l,000 CD. Although he no longer uses money jars to control his spending, he will often put an entire paycheck into his savings instead of checking account.
This method has worked wonderfully for my children. They are both great at saving money while still purchasing the items that they desire. They know the value of money and about spending or saving it wisely. It was a great decision to give them allowance because we had a plan in mind on how they would learn from the experience. Do you have a savings plan? Are you choosy about how you spend your money? Are you aware of how quickly it all adds up? One four dollar cup of coffee per day x five days per week x 52 weeks per year is $1,040 per year. But you may be thinking it is only $4. That could equal 2 or 3 car payments or how many electric bills? Or the start of a savings account. A large can of coffee is $12, a decent travel mug $12 and a coffee maker is $25 at Walmart. Just something to think about.
Afterthought: Ask your children what they do with the change from the lunch money that you give them. My daughter used to find the change in the machines at school, or kids would purposely leave it on the lunch table or floor saying that they didn't want to be bothered with the coins. Many times it was .50 to .80 cents. Do your children appreciate the value of your hard earned paycheck?
I was actually against the idea of giving my children money until I heard about what seemed to be a good way to not just give them spending money but teach them the value of money. Here is an explanation on how it works.
1. You give them the amount of dollars equal to their age. If they are 3 years old they get 3 dollars per week. (We started when my son was 6 and my daughter was 3)
2. They are given three containers marked as follows: "Spend how you want", "Save for something special" and "Save for bank." We used peanut butter plastic jars.
3. Each week when they are given their allowance the split it into thirds and the portions go into each jar.
4. So at the end of each month we made out a deposit slip and the "bank" amount went into their savings account at the local bank. Unfortunately, over the years the banks have had a minimum requirement to open a savings account even for children. So you may need to call around to find a bank that has a children's savings account without a minimum.
We extended the thirds rule to other money that they received as well. If they were given money for their birthday or Christmas, unless they were going to purchase something specific, they split it in thirds as well. When they received a number of birthday gifts, they were often satisfied with putting a lot more money into their bank account. Sometimes they would get a significant amount in "spend how you want," and choose to move it to one of the other jars. "Bank" money was not to be touched, it was designated for the bank.
Now this is the part that you really have to be dedicated to as the adult. If you make a trip to the store and they want a candy bar at checkout, they need to use their own money to purchase it. You are done buying them anything on an everyday basis. If you go to the dollar store and they see an item for a dollar and you purchase that for them, you are debunking the system. You need to say "Okay, but you need to use your own money." I know that you are thinking it is only a dollar, but you have to look at the big picture and the long term lesson for them. Wait until you see how often they will tell you when you say they have to pay for it "I guess I really don't need that or want it that much." You will be happily surprised at how much less junk you end up with in your house. Many less toys get bought only to be forgotten about the next week.
At times, they will buy something and then wish they hadn't when they see an item that they like better. DO NOT try to fix it! It is really important for them to learn from their spending mistakes. Next time they will give their choice more thought. This is giving them the skills to make better choices when they are buying their first car, first house, or choosing a college.
Take the time to add up what you have spent recently on the little extras that your children ask for when you are at the store. Maybe you see this or that you think they might like and purchase it for them. You are going to be surprised on how much you are actually spending. This could be a lesson for you as well. Many people think nothing of spending $10 here or $20 there. Even the $2 items can add up quickly if you are not paying attention. But when you add it up at the end of the month, it could add up to much more than a month's worth of allowance. I found this out when my son was small and we would go to the store and he would ask for a new action figure. I said okay but from the bargain bin. But $3 dollars this time, $6 the next and sometimes they were 3 for $10 but it all adds up.
You are also going to find out how much better they take care of the items that they have bought for themselves. It gives them a great sense of pride that they have saved up to buy something expensive on their own. My son was only 9 years old when he purchased is own Nintendo GameCube. I was so proud of him and was telling everyone what a great job he had done and how amazing it was for someone his age to have waited so long for something that he really wanted. He had "saved for something special" often by adding "spend how you want" money to that jar. When his 9th birthday arrived he received some cash from that as well and his patience had paid off.
This money management and learning to delay their purchase until they can afford to buy something is an awesome life lesson. They learn the value of money and how important it is to make wise choices on how to spend it. By the time my son was 14 years old, he had more than enough money in the bank to put his money into a CD earning more interest than his savings account. That was another proud moment of wise money management. The first several years he earned $40 per year on his $l,000 CD. Although he no longer uses money jars to control his spending, he will often put an entire paycheck into his savings instead of checking account.
This method has worked wonderfully for my children. They are both great at saving money while still purchasing the items that they desire. They know the value of money and about spending or saving it wisely. It was a great decision to give them allowance because we had a plan in mind on how they would learn from the experience. Do you have a savings plan? Are you choosy about how you spend your money? Are you aware of how quickly it all adds up? One four dollar cup of coffee per day x five days per week x 52 weeks per year is $1,040 per year. But you may be thinking it is only $4. That could equal 2 or 3 car payments or how many electric bills? Or the start of a savings account. A large can of coffee is $12, a decent travel mug $12 and a coffee maker is $25 at Walmart. Just something to think about.
Afterthought: Ask your children what they do with the change from the lunch money that you give them. My daughter used to find the change in the machines at school, or kids would purposely leave it on the lunch table or floor saying that they didn't want to be bothered with the coins. Many times it was .50 to .80 cents. Do your children appreciate the value of your hard earned paycheck?
Monday, July 25, 2016
Teaching Your Child How to be Patient
The American Heritage Dictionary defines "patience" as "the quality of being patient; capacity of calm endurance. Being tolerant; understanding. Capable of bearing delay; not hasty." Having patience is not only a pleasing characteristic but a very necessary capability. It is difficult to name many situations where having patience is not a requirement.
Children have a lot to learn about being patient. Patience is a virtue. Everyday we run into many impatient people. I find this at the stores when people are waiting their turn at the checkout, huffing and puffing or huge sighs when they have to wait more than 30 seconds. (Remember if you are behaving this way in front of your toddler or child, you are setting an example.) Years ago, I used to get so frustrated because a trip to the grocery store seemed an eternity. Then I learned to tell myself prior to going to the store, be polite, take your turn, don't run anyone over with the cart, and know it is going to take at least an hour. It really helped me when I would set forth my expectations prior to the task.
When did people stop learning about having to wait their turn? I am asking this as a serious question. Why do so many people think that their priorities are more important than the person ahead of them in line? Or the six people ahead of them in line? Okay, another great example is the doctor's office. No question at all, you know you are going to have to wait, wait and wait some more. Be prepared, take a book or magazine. If it is a child's appointment take books, crayons, favorite toy,... I am not saying that this is okay that the wait at a doctor's office is so long, but that is why they call us "patients."
Years ago I had 6 and 7 year old sisters at my house that could not wait 15 seconds for anything. Let's say I was making lunch, had offered a couple options and was making the sandwiches. Not 15 seconds into the preparation and they were rudely asking where their sandwich was. I promise you I am not exaggerating. After politely responding that they needed to wait while I prepared the sandwiches, one of them said "Well, I did ask for milk and I don't see it." Not kidding!!! Little by little, as I explained that getting things ready takes time, that they needed to be patient and wait their turn, they improved their behavior.
As with anything involving a small child, 1, 2 or 3 year old, teaching them a new skill takes time and effort. We should have expectations and they should be informed of our expectations. If you are making pancakes and eating as a family, everyone waits their turn. Be more understanding if you have been out past the normal lunch time, give them their cup of milk while you prepare the rest of their meal. They need to learn to wait and not interrupt when you are on the phone or answering the door. Starting all of these skills early is the key to having an easier time putting them in place. "This is how we do things."
If you are playing toys with them on the floor and they want the toy that you have been using, ell them you will be done in a minute, hesitate a short time and then share it with them. Your child can learn the value of waiting by learning to take turns. You may build a small block tower and then it is their turn to build one. You may hug their favorite stuffed animal and then they may give it a hug. If they are using a specific toy, then it is your turn to request to use it next. You will be teaching them about sharing and patience at the same time.
Teaching by example: This is when you don't give them enough notice that you need them to get ready to leave and expect them to be ready more quickly than they are capable. Then you need to step up and be patient while they get ready. In other words, patience works both ways (this is also how respect grows). Please try to control your impatience and give them the opportunity to complete tasks by themselves. Completing tasks on their own builds their confidence.
The park is another great place to teach patience and taking turns. Using the slide is a great example. When they are very small, you simply explain about taking turns and this is what we do. Your child will not even question it, they will just wait their turn. Remember to be prepared to leave the park if your child can not show proper respect and behavior towards others. Give a well explained lesson on the way home and tell them that you will try again another day.
Just a small parenting tip, if there is another child at the park that hasn't learned the skill of taking turns and is pushing your child, PLEASE don't be afraid to give that child a short lesson in good behavior. You will be doing him or her a great favor! You just might be stopping the park bully.
The practice of having patience comes in handy every single day of your life. This is a skill that will be appreciated by everyone that comes in contact with your child. Learning to be patient is a skill that children use every day at school, church, team sports, playgrounds, stores, restaurants, with family members and siblings. Patience is a virtue when put to good use.
Children have a lot to learn about being patient. Patience is a virtue. Everyday we run into many impatient people. I find this at the stores when people are waiting their turn at the checkout, huffing and puffing or huge sighs when they have to wait more than 30 seconds. (Remember if you are behaving this way in front of your toddler or child, you are setting an example.) Years ago, I used to get so frustrated because a trip to the grocery store seemed an eternity. Then I learned to tell myself prior to going to the store, be polite, take your turn, don't run anyone over with the cart, and know it is going to take at least an hour. It really helped me when I would set forth my expectations prior to the task.
When did people stop learning about having to wait their turn? I am asking this as a serious question. Why do so many people think that their priorities are more important than the person ahead of them in line? Or the six people ahead of them in line? Okay, another great example is the doctor's office. No question at all, you know you are going to have to wait, wait and wait some more. Be prepared, take a book or magazine. If it is a child's appointment take books, crayons, favorite toy,... I am not saying that this is okay that the wait at a doctor's office is so long, but that is why they call us "patients."
Years ago I had 6 and 7 year old sisters at my house that could not wait 15 seconds for anything. Let's say I was making lunch, had offered a couple options and was making the sandwiches. Not 15 seconds into the preparation and they were rudely asking where their sandwich was. I promise you I am not exaggerating. After politely responding that they needed to wait while I prepared the sandwiches, one of them said "Well, I did ask for milk and I don't see it." Not kidding!!! Little by little, as I explained that getting things ready takes time, that they needed to be patient and wait their turn, they improved their behavior.
As with anything involving a small child, 1, 2 or 3 year old, teaching them a new skill takes time and effort. We should have expectations and they should be informed of our expectations. If you are making pancakes and eating as a family, everyone waits their turn. Be more understanding if you have been out past the normal lunch time, give them their cup of milk while you prepare the rest of their meal. They need to learn to wait and not interrupt when you are on the phone or answering the door. Starting all of these skills early is the key to having an easier time putting them in place. "This is how we do things."
If you are playing toys with them on the floor and they want the toy that you have been using, ell them you will be done in a minute, hesitate a short time and then share it with them. Your child can learn the value of waiting by learning to take turns. You may build a small block tower and then it is their turn to build one. You may hug their favorite stuffed animal and then they may give it a hug. If they are using a specific toy, then it is your turn to request to use it next. You will be teaching them about sharing and patience at the same time.
Teaching by example: This is when you don't give them enough notice that you need them to get ready to leave and expect them to be ready more quickly than they are capable. Then you need to step up and be patient while they get ready. In other words, patience works both ways (this is also how respect grows). Please try to control your impatience and give them the opportunity to complete tasks by themselves. Completing tasks on their own builds their confidence.
The park is another great place to teach patience and taking turns. Using the slide is a great example. When they are very small, you simply explain about taking turns and this is what we do. Your child will not even question it, they will just wait their turn. Remember to be prepared to leave the park if your child can not show proper respect and behavior towards others. Give a well explained lesson on the way home and tell them that you will try again another day.
Just a small parenting tip, if there is another child at the park that hasn't learned the skill of taking turns and is pushing your child, PLEASE don't be afraid to give that child a short lesson in good behavior. You will be doing him or her a great favor! You just might be stopping the park bully.
The practice of having patience comes in handy every single day of your life. This is a skill that will be appreciated by everyone that comes in contact with your child. Learning to be patient is a skill that children use every day at school, church, team sports, playgrounds, stores, restaurants, with family members and siblings. Patience is a virtue when put to good use.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Please Stop Bribing Your Children
These are two of the definitions of "bribe" I found in the American Heritage Dictionary. "Something offered or serving to influence or persuade." "To gain influence or corrupt by bribery." Please stop bribing your children. Your children should be listening to you because they respect you and you are their parent.
Many parents do not even realize that they are making this tactical error. When we begin to bribe our children we are actually giving them control of the situation. They will then have the choice to hold out until they consider your prize offer large enough. Do you really want your child controlling you? Is this the precedence you want to set? As they get older do you want to have to promise them a prize to take care of their responsibilities? Or will you be so tired of the bribery system that you will no longer require them to take care of their chores and responsibilities? Is that how life should work? Are you preparing them for dealing with friends and other members of society? Are they always going to expect something in return for everything that is asked of them?
I can not emphasize enough that children should be taught to behave on the merit of good behavior and not because they are rewarded or bribed for good listening. They should not be bribed to behave properly, take care of a chore or responsibility. Bribery corrupts the system by blurring the lines of who is the adult and who is controlling your household.
My daughter is teaching swimming lessons this summer and she has come home with a couple of good stories regarding bribery. Instead of telling the child that they are taking swimming lessons and need to listen to the swim instructor, there are parents promising milk shakes and trips to Toys R Us to encourage the child to do what they are supposed to do. One boy, about 8 years old, was offered multiple items and the stakes kept going up until he decided it was a big enough prize. Instead it should have been a statement: "We are paying for swimming lessons. You need to learn to swim so that you will be safe in the water. Please listen to the instructor so that you may learn to swim properly."
Many parents are trying so hard to stay in the good graces of their children. That is not how children learn to be good people. That is how children learn to be spoiled, lazy and disrespectful. It is not an "old wives tale" that children want boundaries, they want parents, they want love and attention. They need us to tell them what is proper behavior and what is not. They are not born with this knowledge, they are counting on us as parents to guide and direct them. Bribing children to do the correct thing is giving them the expectation that they need to receive a reward for behaving properly. Do you want it to be necessary to reward your child for doing the right thing? So then what should be the consequences of not behaving properly?
What does this do to their expectation of life? Do they begin to expect rewards for throwing away their trash, hanging up the coat, doing their homework, eating their vegetables, or putting away their toys? What is the behavior if a bribe is not offered? What is the consequence for unacceptable behavior? Will they expect rewards from friends and other adults? If they are not given the rewards, will they begin to take their own rewards feeling that they are entitled?
You can certainly see why bribing your child to do the right thing can become a much bigger monster. Have you noticed that many children expect the reward system? But this does not prepare them to handle so many parts of adult life, we are not rewarded for taking care of our house, our children, our job, and our many other responsibilities. We learn to reward ourselves for our hard work, but it is certainly not always with an object or we would be broke. Our reward is the satisfaction of a job well done.
Many parents do not even realize that they are making this tactical error. When we begin to bribe our children we are actually giving them control of the situation. They will then have the choice to hold out until they consider your prize offer large enough. Do you really want your child controlling you? Is this the precedence you want to set? As they get older do you want to have to promise them a prize to take care of their responsibilities? Or will you be so tired of the bribery system that you will no longer require them to take care of their chores and responsibilities? Is that how life should work? Are you preparing them for dealing with friends and other members of society? Are they always going to expect something in return for everything that is asked of them?
I can not emphasize enough that children should be taught to behave on the merit of good behavior and not because they are rewarded or bribed for good listening. They should not be bribed to behave properly, take care of a chore or responsibility. Bribery corrupts the system by blurring the lines of who is the adult and who is controlling your household.
My daughter is teaching swimming lessons this summer and she has come home with a couple of good stories regarding bribery. Instead of telling the child that they are taking swimming lessons and need to listen to the swim instructor, there are parents promising milk shakes and trips to Toys R Us to encourage the child to do what they are supposed to do. One boy, about 8 years old, was offered multiple items and the stakes kept going up until he decided it was a big enough prize. Instead it should have been a statement: "We are paying for swimming lessons. You need to learn to swim so that you will be safe in the water. Please listen to the instructor so that you may learn to swim properly."
Many parents are trying so hard to stay in the good graces of their children. That is not how children learn to be good people. That is how children learn to be spoiled, lazy and disrespectful. It is not an "old wives tale" that children want boundaries, they want parents, they want love and attention. They need us to tell them what is proper behavior and what is not. They are not born with this knowledge, they are counting on us as parents to guide and direct them. Bribing children to do the correct thing is giving them the expectation that they need to receive a reward for behaving properly. Do you want it to be necessary to reward your child for doing the right thing? So then what should be the consequences of not behaving properly?
What does this do to their expectation of life? Do they begin to expect rewards for throwing away their trash, hanging up the coat, doing their homework, eating their vegetables, or putting away their toys? What is the behavior if a bribe is not offered? What is the consequence for unacceptable behavior? Will they expect rewards from friends and other adults? If they are not given the rewards, will they begin to take their own rewards feeling that they are entitled?
You can certainly see why bribing your child to do the right thing can become a much bigger monster. Have you noticed that many children expect the reward system? But this does not prepare them to handle so many parts of adult life, we are not rewarded for taking care of our house, our children, our job, and our many other responsibilities. We learn to reward ourselves for our hard work, but it is certainly not always with an object or we would be broke. Our reward is the satisfaction of a job well done.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
The Importance of Family Dinner Time
Do you know your child's favorite color? Favorite school subject? Favorite movie? Favorite holiday? Do you know which children your child plays with at recess? How do we connect with our children when we are so busy and they are busy? One very important way to connect is "family dinner time."
There have been multiple studies which show that family dinner time is one of the best ways to keep your child out of trouble. This is the half hour per day where you sit down as a family. That means no electronics, cell phones, or interruptions, no exceptions. One half hour per day where you all sit together and communicate about your day. This is a time to be honest and real with your children. A time to find out who they are and what they are up to. It is a time for them to get to know you better as well. (It doesn't have to be limited to a half hour but it should NOT be less than a half hour.)
Studies have shown that families that sit down together at least five days per week and "break bread" have children that get in less trouble than families that don't partake in this ritual. These important moments are your opportunity to begin and continue a connection with your children. Try to keep these moments open to discussions about them and what is going on in their lives. You may think that it is simple stuff but they are struggling everyday to learn about the world, relationships, and where they fit in.
If you are beginning this custom a bit later in their lives, at first, you may find the conversation to be a bit stilted. This is then your opportunity to ask questions or share knowledge. It is okay for kids to know that you had a rough day at work or that you have a boss with anger issues. This is real world stuff that your children should know. Someday they will be out there in the world and it comes a lot faster than we think it will.
Please DO NOT use this time to discuss their messy room, bad grades, or bad hygiene. That can be a separate conversation. This is for getting to know each other and helping them with their daily life issues outside of the home. (If there is a table manners issue, it should always be addressed at the time it is happening.) You may be very surprised by what you learn and what happens when you share some of your own life experiences.
If you are always asking them questions about who they like to play with, what they enjoy doing most, what is important to them, etc... as they are growing up. When you continue to ask them questions as they become teens and are more independent, you will not come across as a nag. Instead you will come across as the interested, caring parent that you have always been. It will be what they expect (once again, YOU BUILD THEIR EXPECTATIONS) and they will not be resentful of your questions. Therefore, less friction and more productive conversations.
Not only are you building communication with your child but you are spending valuable time listening to your child. You will be showing them that they matter to you, what they have to say counts, and you are building mutual respect. Do not forget that studies have proven that "family dinners" at least five times per week raise children that get in less trouble than those that do not practice this ritual. When you show that you care, they care! If you can not find one half hour per day, five days per week which equals two and one half hours per week to give your child your undivided attention... Please think about how that makes your child feel. Or how it would make you feel if you were in their place. Actively listening to what they have to say, is sure to give you some new insight.
There have been multiple studies which show that family dinner time is one of the best ways to keep your child out of trouble. This is the half hour per day where you sit down as a family. That means no electronics, cell phones, or interruptions, no exceptions. One half hour per day where you all sit together and communicate about your day. This is a time to be honest and real with your children. A time to find out who they are and what they are up to. It is a time for them to get to know you better as well. (It doesn't have to be limited to a half hour but it should NOT be less than a half hour.)
Studies have shown that families that sit down together at least five days per week and "break bread" have children that get in less trouble than families that don't partake in this ritual. These important moments are your opportunity to begin and continue a connection with your children. Try to keep these moments open to discussions about them and what is going on in their lives. You may think that it is simple stuff but they are struggling everyday to learn about the world, relationships, and where they fit in.
If you are beginning this custom a bit later in their lives, at first, you may find the conversation to be a bit stilted. This is then your opportunity to ask questions or share knowledge. It is okay for kids to know that you had a rough day at work or that you have a boss with anger issues. This is real world stuff that your children should know. Someday they will be out there in the world and it comes a lot faster than we think it will.
Please DO NOT use this time to discuss their messy room, bad grades, or bad hygiene. That can be a separate conversation. This is for getting to know each other and helping them with their daily life issues outside of the home. (If there is a table manners issue, it should always be addressed at the time it is happening.) You may be very surprised by what you learn and what happens when you share some of your own life experiences.
If you are always asking them questions about who they like to play with, what they enjoy doing most, what is important to them, etc... as they are growing up. When you continue to ask them questions as they become teens and are more independent, you will not come across as a nag. Instead you will come across as the interested, caring parent that you have always been. It will be what they expect (once again, YOU BUILD THEIR EXPECTATIONS) and they will not be resentful of your questions. Therefore, less friction and more productive conversations.
Not only are you building communication with your child but you are spending valuable time listening to your child. You will be showing them that they matter to you, what they have to say counts, and you are building mutual respect. Do not forget that studies have proven that "family dinners" at least five times per week raise children that get in less trouble than those that do not practice this ritual. When you show that you care, they care! If you can not find one half hour per day, five days per week which equals two and one half hours per week to give your child your undivided attention... Please think about how that makes your child feel. Or how it would make you feel if you were in their place. Actively listening to what they have to say, is sure to give you some new insight.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Questions to Ask When Interviewing a Babysitter
Here are some suggested questions to ask your potential teenage babysitter. Consider this an attachment to my last post.
1. Why do you want to babysit?
2. How many children have you watched? What ages?
3. Have you taken the American Red Cross babysitting class?
4. How many siblings do you have? Older or younger?
5. What is your relationship like with your siblings?
6. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
7. What do you like to do in your spare time?
8. Do you like school?
9. Are you in activities at school? What are they?
10. Names and numbers of references.
The above questions should give you some idea on their character and their experience. If they want to be a teacher, nurse, psychologist, social worker,... they will probably make a good sitter. They obviously are caring and want a career that helps people. If they are in clubs and like activities they may be more playful with your children. If they have siblings, that relationship and how they describe it, should tell you plenty. This also gives you a chance to trust your gut by getting them to talk to you.
The following are some scenarios that should give you a feel for how they might handle an unusual or emergency situation.
1. If my child fell and then was unresponsive what would you do?
2. If someone came to the door, told you we expected them to work on our cable, what would you do?
3. If there was a fire in the kitchen?
4. What would you do if my child were choking? Or vomiting?
5. What if someone were to come to the door saying they had to check for a gas leak?
6. What if someone were to call asking for our address saying they needed to deliver a package?
I am sure that you get the idea and can come up with some scenarios of your own. But you will feel more confident if you find out if they are capable of handling an unusual situation. If they are at a loss on how to answer your questions, you know they are not mature enough to take care of your child.
Please make sure that you meet and speak with your sitter before you hire them to watch your child. Trust your gut feeling about whether or not they will be a good sitter. Have them spend time with the child prior to you leaving. My best suggestion is to have them sit while you are at home the first time to see how they interact with your child. If you feel uncomfortable you can always cancel. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings, you are leaving your child with this person and you want to be as sure as possible that you are making the best choice. You want to make the most informed decision that you are able.
1. Why do you want to babysit?
2. How many children have you watched? What ages?
3. Have you taken the American Red Cross babysitting class?
4. How many siblings do you have? Older or younger?
5. What is your relationship like with your siblings?
6. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
7. What do you like to do in your spare time?
8. Do you like school?
9. Are you in activities at school? What are they?
10. Names and numbers of references.
The above questions should give you some idea on their character and their experience. If they want to be a teacher, nurse, psychologist, social worker,... they will probably make a good sitter. They obviously are caring and want a career that helps people. If they are in clubs and like activities they may be more playful with your children. If they have siblings, that relationship and how they describe it, should tell you plenty. This also gives you a chance to trust your gut by getting them to talk to you.
The following are some scenarios that should give you a feel for how they might handle an unusual or emergency situation.
1. If my child fell and then was unresponsive what would you do?
2. If someone came to the door, told you we expected them to work on our cable, what would you do?
3. If there was a fire in the kitchen?
4. What would you do if my child were choking? Or vomiting?
5. What if someone were to come to the door saying they had to check for a gas leak?
6. What if someone were to call asking for our address saying they needed to deliver a package?
I am sure that you get the idea and can come up with some scenarios of your own. But you will feel more confident if you find out if they are capable of handling an unusual situation. If they are at a loss on how to answer your questions, you know they are not mature enough to take care of your child.
Please make sure that you meet and speak with your sitter before you hire them to watch your child. Trust your gut feeling about whether or not they will be a good sitter. Have them spend time with the child prior to you leaving. My best suggestion is to have them sit while you are at home the first time to see how they interact with your child. If you feel uncomfortable you can always cancel. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings, you are leaving your child with this person and you want to be as sure as possible that you are making the best choice. You want to make the most informed decision that you are able.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Finding a Babysitter for Your Child
Finding a babysitter is not always a simple task. Sometimes you are lucky and someone you know and trust has a name to give you. Keep in mind that just because that person giving you the name likes the sitter doesn't necessarily mean that you have the same criteria.
I think that even if you normally have family available to watch your child, it is a good idea to have a back up should something happen where family is unable to help you out. You may all be invited to the same event where children are not included. Plus, if you find a good sitter in the neighborhood you have a bit more freedom.
You can be the most loving, diligent, and caring parents in the world, which is great, but don't forget to keep your relationship with your spouse a healthy and happy one. If we center all of our attention around our children, the other reasons that we enjoy each other's company may become lost in the everyday shuffle.
There is nothing wrong with, and often some true advantages, to having a teenage babysitter if you are going out for an evening. Of course, it depends on the teenager. If you receive their name from someone, make sure that you still take the time to interview them and check their references. I think it is also comforting to know if their mom is in the area and willing to help should a crisis arise.
An advantage to having a good teen sitter is that they often play with the children. They still have a fresh imagination and can make the evening fun. Many children relate well to other children. Or you may end up with a sitter that spends the entire evening texting with their friends and only doing the minimum to get by and be paid. These are situations that you can find out from an older child, but if you have a toddler this might not come to light.
My suggestion would be to hire them to watch your children the first time while you are at home doing a project. This way you can see for yourself how they interact with your child. If they are uncomfortable having you there, this may be an indicator that their behavior may be very different without the parent around. On the other hand, they may just be shy. See how they handle themselves, if they are patient and most importantly if your child is comfortable around them. It is well worth the money to have this preview. If you hire them without meeting them first, you may have an uncomfortable feeling about leaving your child with them and it will ruin your evening.
Ask them questions, express your expectations and your household rules. If there are behaviors that you don't allow, point those out to your sitter. Maybe you have a limit on TV or gaming time. You might not allow certain snacks after dinner or have a specific bedtime ritual. This will make it tougher for your child to take advantage of the newbie. Make sure that you leave a list of numbers where you can be reached, the number of a family member and maybe a trusted neighbor. Be sure they are aware of your child's favorite toy or item that they sleep with if they are expected to put your child to bed. They need to be aware of any allergies or medical conditions that your child may have.
If there is a preteen in the neighborhood that is always interested and friendly to your child that may be a little young to start babysitting but has the ambition to be a sitter. Have that preteen around, get to know the family, and you may just have the perfect babysitter in the making for the future. Take a chance and hire this preteen to help out when you are home and you may be building the relationship to have an awesome sitter at a later date. I was one of these preteens, I was invited to hang around and I learned a lot about taking care of babies and young children from the mom that wanted me as a future sitter. I babysat for that family up into my late teens when I took care of the four kids for entire weekends.
Choosing who you are willing to leave your children with is an important decision. Please take the time to interview your sitter and preview how they interact with your children. Ask them questions and check their references. Also, make sure that you listen to your own gut instinct on whether or not this sitter is going to be a good fit for your family.
I think that even if you normally have family available to watch your child, it is a good idea to have a back up should something happen where family is unable to help you out. You may all be invited to the same event where children are not included. Plus, if you find a good sitter in the neighborhood you have a bit more freedom.
You can be the most loving, diligent, and caring parents in the world, which is great, but don't forget to keep your relationship with your spouse a healthy and happy one. If we center all of our attention around our children, the other reasons that we enjoy each other's company may become lost in the everyday shuffle.
There is nothing wrong with, and often some true advantages, to having a teenage babysitter if you are going out for an evening. Of course, it depends on the teenager. If you receive their name from someone, make sure that you still take the time to interview them and check their references. I think it is also comforting to know if their mom is in the area and willing to help should a crisis arise.
An advantage to having a good teen sitter is that they often play with the children. They still have a fresh imagination and can make the evening fun. Many children relate well to other children. Or you may end up with a sitter that spends the entire evening texting with their friends and only doing the minimum to get by and be paid. These are situations that you can find out from an older child, but if you have a toddler this might not come to light.
My suggestion would be to hire them to watch your children the first time while you are at home doing a project. This way you can see for yourself how they interact with your child. If they are uncomfortable having you there, this may be an indicator that their behavior may be very different without the parent around. On the other hand, they may just be shy. See how they handle themselves, if they are patient and most importantly if your child is comfortable around them. It is well worth the money to have this preview. If you hire them without meeting them first, you may have an uncomfortable feeling about leaving your child with them and it will ruin your evening.
Ask them questions, express your expectations and your household rules. If there are behaviors that you don't allow, point those out to your sitter. Maybe you have a limit on TV or gaming time. You might not allow certain snacks after dinner or have a specific bedtime ritual. This will make it tougher for your child to take advantage of the newbie. Make sure that you leave a list of numbers where you can be reached, the number of a family member and maybe a trusted neighbor. Be sure they are aware of your child's favorite toy or item that they sleep with if they are expected to put your child to bed. They need to be aware of any allergies or medical conditions that your child may have.
If there is a preteen in the neighborhood that is always interested and friendly to your child that may be a little young to start babysitting but has the ambition to be a sitter. Have that preteen around, get to know the family, and you may just have the perfect babysitter in the making for the future. Take a chance and hire this preteen to help out when you are home and you may be building the relationship to have an awesome sitter at a later date. I was one of these preteens, I was invited to hang around and I learned a lot about taking care of babies and young children from the mom that wanted me as a future sitter. I babysat for that family up into my late teens when I took care of the four kids for entire weekends.
Choosing who you are willing to leave your children with is an important decision. Please take the time to interview your sitter and preview how they interact with your children. Ask them questions and check their references. Also, make sure that you listen to your own gut instinct on whether or not this sitter is going to be a good fit for your family.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Be Genuine When You Praise Your Child
It is important to build your child's confidence as they grow up. Many of our children especially girls lack confidence. Many of our girls base too much of their confidence on their looks or they way they dress. Building their self esteem doesn't mean that you call them "Princess" and give them an unrealistic view of who they are. However, it does mean that you praise them often for their actual qualities and capabilities.
Please be genuine with your praise. Your children can feel it when you are giving them false compliments just as you can tell when someone is not being real with you. When they are young they don't understand and can't put into words that your praise is false but they do know. If they learn the words to a song but sing terrible, please give them the chance to improve with age. You can find sincere words to encourage their pursuit.
It is important to be specific about the compliments that you give them too. Please don't just tell them "you are a good boy" or "you are a good girl." Instead you might say "I am so proud of you when you follow directions." or "When you are listening and doing as you are told it makes me so proud of you." "You have been on your best behavior today. That makes our day so much happier." "When you helped to clean up after we ate, it made me realize how thoughtful you have become."
On the same note, if they did well in the sport they are playing be specific about your positive comments. That was a great kick, you were really paying attention during the game, or I liked when you passed the ball to... By being able to give them positive feedback about a detail of the game, they feel that you are being genuine in your praise.
Please don't praise them for everything they do; especially if you do not mean it. If you over praise them for unimportant matters then your true compliments lose their meaning. Please make sure that you are being sincere. Please don't tell them that they are perfect, nobody should have to live up to that word or believe that they are perfect. That is not being human!!!
Whatever you do, don't make their confidence about their beauty or their clothes. Be careful that you are building their confidence in matters that really count. You don't want to build a monster that thinks that they are perfect and look down on others. You want to shape their confidence toward "real world" qualities that will lead them toward a happy and full life.
This does not mean that you don't tell them that they are handsome or pretty. But they need to be assured that true beauty is much deeper and meaningful than someone's looks. Help them to see that other people's capabilities are something to be admired. Be sure to help them find their own special skills and qualities. These skills may not be on an athletic team or in a ballet class but might be building awesome Legos or having a wonderful imagination.
If your child were to come to you upset because someone else might draw better than they do. Offer to take them to the library to get a book on how to draw. Tell them they might ask the other child to help them learn how to draw better. Don't give them false praise, they will know that you are not hearing their real feelings. If this does not help then point out one of their strengths and share how it affects you.
If you attend their concert and it is really terrible but they ask you how you liked it. You don't have to gush and tell them it was awesome. If they have been practicing hard, make sure you let them know how proud you are of them for playing an instrument. Or how much you love to hear them play. Be careful not to crush their enthusiasm. If they haven't been practicing as they should, you might tell them that you enjoyed the concert but it seemed that some players should have practiced more often. Always try to keep in mind that they are children and they are always learning.
There are sincere ways to give a compliment without being false. Your choice of words will greatly affect the outcome of your praise. Please make sure that you are not allowing them to grow up thinking that they are perfect. Or that perfection exists in any human being. Be supportive with sincerity. If you help them to base their admiration of others, not on looks or the way they dress but on a much deeper and compassionate level, you will be giving them the gift of seeing people for who they are and not for how they appear. It will give them a deeper meaning to relationships when they are capable of basing them on the whole person. It will also give them a much bigger picture of themselves.
Please be genuine with your praise. Your children can feel it when you are giving them false compliments just as you can tell when someone is not being real with you. When they are young they don't understand and can't put into words that your praise is false but they do know. If they learn the words to a song but sing terrible, please give them the chance to improve with age. You can find sincere words to encourage their pursuit.
It is important to be specific about the compliments that you give them too. Please don't just tell them "you are a good boy" or "you are a good girl." Instead you might say "I am so proud of you when you follow directions." or "When you are listening and doing as you are told it makes me so proud of you." "You have been on your best behavior today. That makes our day so much happier." "When you helped to clean up after we ate, it made me realize how thoughtful you have become."
On the same note, if they did well in the sport they are playing be specific about your positive comments. That was a great kick, you were really paying attention during the game, or I liked when you passed the ball to... By being able to give them positive feedback about a detail of the game, they feel that you are being genuine in your praise.
Please don't praise them for everything they do; especially if you do not mean it. If you over praise them for unimportant matters then your true compliments lose their meaning. Please make sure that you are being sincere. Please don't tell them that they are perfect, nobody should have to live up to that word or believe that they are perfect. That is not being human!!!
Whatever you do, don't make their confidence about their beauty or their clothes. Be careful that you are building their confidence in matters that really count. You don't want to build a monster that thinks that they are perfect and look down on others. You want to shape their confidence toward "real world" qualities that will lead them toward a happy and full life.
This does not mean that you don't tell them that they are handsome or pretty. But they need to be assured that true beauty is much deeper and meaningful than someone's looks. Help them to see that other people's capabilities are something to be admired. Be sure to help them find their own special skills and qualities. These skills may not be on an athletic team or in a ballet class but might be building awesome Legos or having a wonderful imagination.
If your child were to come to you upset because someone else might draw better than they do. Offer to take them to the library to get a book on how to draw. Tell them they might ask the other child to help them learn how to draw better. Don't give them false praise, they will know that you are not hearing their real feelings. If this does not help then point out one of their strengths and share how it affects you.
If you attend their concert and it is really terrible but they ask you how you liked it. You don't have to gush and tell them it was awesome. If they have been practicing hard, make sure you let them know how proud you are of them for playing an instrument. Or how much you love to hear them play. Be careful not to crush their enthusiasm. If they haven't been practicing as they should, you might tell them that you enjoyed the concert but it seemed that some players should have practiced more often. Always try to keep in mind that they are children and they are always learning.
There are sincere ways to give a compliment without being false. Your choice of words will greatly affect the outcome of your praise. Please make sure that you are not allowing them to grow up thinking that they are perfect. Or that perfection exists in any human being. Be supportive with sincerity. If you help them to base their admiration of others, not on looks or the way they dress but on a much deeper and compassionate level, you will be giving them the gift of seeing people for who they are and not for how they appear. It will give them a deeper meaning to relationships when they are capable of basing them on the whole person. It will also give them a much bigger picture of themselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)