When you are dealing with sibling arguments it is so easy to want to intervene. But teaching them how to settle their own arguments will help them learn to get along in the world. You are not always going to be there to help them settle their differences with others. There is not always an adult present to settle disagreements for them. Communicating is key to a successful future. Sibling arguments are early lessons in adversity. We need to help our children learn to deal with adversity.
I think that it is extremely important not to place blame on the older sibling and assume that they should know better. Being older does not mean they are at fault and certainly does not mean they are in the wrong. I have been surprised how often the younger one knows just how to yell or cry to get the older sibling in trouble. Over the years, younger siblings have told me many stories about pulling out the "crying card" just to get their way. Some of the younger children actually enjoyed seeing their older sibling get into trouble.
On the other hand, I have heard of the older one teasing the younger one until they yell so that the parent is upset with the younger one for yelling. It is certainly a two way street when it comes to sibling arguments. Often the younger child has felt free to use something belonging to the older child without asking their permission. Making the older feel that their personal space has been invaded. Respect for each others possessions and asking permission is always a must. It teaches children boundaries. Here is your chance to be a good mediator and teacher, not a judge or dictator.
Please remember, if you are not in the room to witness exactly what has transpired it is hardly fair to assume the guilt or innocence of either of them. So helping them learn to solve their differences with each other is the better solution. Young children have a tendency to tell how they wished it may have transpired instead of how the difficultly actually happened. Please do not forget to listen to what both children have to say. It is helpful to have them acknowledge hearing the other sibling by repeating each others side of the story. Let them know you expect them be respectful when the other is speaking. They also need to learn early on that physical violence is NEVER the solution to an argument. Neither is name calling. Both are inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
When you do decide to intervene their are a few things that I would like to point out. I think it is really important to acknowledge their anger. Let them both know that you hear them and understand they are both angry. It is important that you point out for each of them why the other is angry or better yet have them help make this point for each other. "Why do you think that your brother is so angry with you?" It is important to show respect when describing their feelings about the issue. By expressing the opinions of both of them equally, you are showing that you are not taking sides.
By asking questions, instead of giving advice or solutions you are helping them to think through their differences. It is helpful to teach them how to "walk in each others shoes" by asking how they would feel if their roles were reversed. You will be giving them lessons in sympathy, empathy and the tools to help them communicate well. Let them know that you are confident that they will come up with a plausible solution.
In younger children all of the above steps are important but in simpler terms. It is often helpful to have them play separately for a while to think about their differences and come up with a way to play nicely together again. This will often do the trick because they ultimately would rather be playing together. The previous issues often disappear when they resume playing together. Sometimes it is simply needing a break from each other. If they need the time apart to regroup that is fine too. It is similar to our time away from our spouse or family member to do something on our own or have time to ourselves.
With toddlers sometimes settling the disagreement can be as easy as removing the toy that is being fought over from both and saying "You may have it back when you learn to take turns or share it. In the mean time, there are plenty of other toys for you to play with." Explain that sharing and taking turns, working out their differences will bring the toy back into play. And sometimes they need a break or an adult to redirect play time by introducing a different toy or game. If you chose to remove the "offending" toy, let them fuss about it, acknowledge their anger or hurt feelings but do not put it back into play until later. I have had children say to me, "Remember when you took ____, it was because I wouldn't share it with _____." You have to love the daily life lessons when your child has that "light bulb" moment.
There is nothing unnatural about siblings having disagreements. These disagreements are part of learning to get along with others. These are practice sessions for figuring out what they can and can not get away with when dealing with other human beings. This is why it is so important not to have the older child give into the younger child all the time. The younger child needs to realize that they are not the center of the universe and they shouldn't automatically get their way. Our children are very smart, even the young ones. The younger child needs to learn to take turns, compromise, share toys with others, use their communication skills, and good manners (please and thank you) with their family. These skills help them get along on the outside. If they are given their way much of the time, they are not going to play well with others. They will take what they know and try it outside of the family unit. This makes it much tougher on them when they get that taste of the real world.
It is an essential part of the process to learn to cope with these emotions on their own. Our children need to be part of the solution which helps them become aware of other peoples feelings and ideas. With our guidance and patience our children will have a better start in the real world. Learning how to deal with conflict and not being afraid to communicate their thoughts and feelings is a huge step towards social success. By teaching our children to problem solve we are giving them a lifelong skill. Socialization is a vital part of our survival. We learn to socialize first in our family unit where we feel safe and loved. We take those behaviors out into the world with us as a guide on how to live outside our safety zone.
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