This is one of the most important posts that I think that I can write regarding teaching your child to gain self control. In order to give them some control of their life, you need to release some of your control over them. Teaching our children time management and managing their self control over gaming, sweet treats, television, exercise, reading, eating, homework... all the tasks, needs, and leisure activities in their lives.
I knew of a brother and sister that were not allowed to watch any TV at all. Not one single minute. When they started school they were the oddballs, the ones that "didn't know anything" according to the other children. They were actually very book smart but they lacked being able to socialize on common ground with the other students and were, therefore, outcasts. They were not allowed to play any video games either which left another large hole in their social common ground.
I am not saying that we have to have our children keep up with "the Jones'" but we do need to be sure that they are permitted to do things that other children are allowed to do. This does not mean to buy them a cell phone, iPad, $200.00 skateboard, but allow them to watch age appropriate TV shows. PBS is a wonderful teaching channel. If you don't want to buy them a gaming system, allow them to use someone else's but permit them to have the experience if you can. Everything in moderation but they need to have experiences that they can share with other children their own age.
I know of some young girls that would spend all of their spare time reading, fantastic right? Except while they read they had their hand in a bag of potato chips, cookies or other unhealthy food items. Yes, we encourage our children to read but both of these girls were had very poor eating habits. Everything in moderation!
I have known parents that have not allowed their children to have any soda or candy. These children have a play date at someone's house and can not get enough of the sweets. They are gluttons about it and later feel ill from over doing it. Some children are only allowed sweets at parties and then they don't know when to stop eating. On Halloween they are allowed to eat themselves sick, but then not allowed any candy the rest of the year. This does not teach the child how to monitor and exercise self control. What happens to this child when they are out on their own at college? Are they able to make wise decisions on their own? They are unprepared because they have always been controlled. How are they suppose to learn about self control now?
I know children that have gone off to college and completely lose control because they are having their first taste of freedom. They don't know how to conduct themselves, they do everything in excess, and they end up in trouble. If we do not allow our children to make small mistakes when they are young because we control their lives, their big mistakes could be really huge. They will not have the knowledge or life experience required to make good decisions on their own. Or they will make good decisions and they will be successful but they will make sure that they do not ever have to live at home again. You may have control over them while they are young but most likely you will not have their companionship voluntarily when they are older.
Many children do not realize until they get in high school that not everyone is being raised exactly as they are being raised. Many children think that your home life is just normal, then they begin to gain some life experience and realize that maybe their life could be better or different. It is a very eye opening experience when they begin to meet other parents that treat their own children with respect and trust. Suddenly they begin to make plans to rebel, they do not want to be controlled, and they start to feel suffocated by the restrictions they have been living under. Many of these children begin to take "stupid" unnecessary risks just to prove they have control over their lives.
Please do not misunderstand what I am trying to express. We need to have rules while allowing our children some control of their lives. We have to allow our children a certain amount of freedom. We need to let them make choices and decisions. We need to talk to them about everyday life and experiences. We need to be honest with them about consequences for their actions. We need to have expectations and expect them to follow our rules. But we need to allow them to make choices that are different from ours without penalizing them for having their own opinions. We need to listen and build trust.
Everything in moderation; if church on Sunday is an absolute for you, and dinner at Grandma's house on Thursday but they get a chance for a sleepover on Friday, don't make them stay home for family game night. If today was rainy and they played video games or watched a couple movies but tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day, then it's time to get outside to exercise or do yard work. Have a desert night, maybe they help bake it or pick it out but don't deny them treats or sweets. If it's about cavities, then oversee their brushing of teeth that night. But the more that someone is deprived of something they want, the greater the attraction for that item. By allowing them to make choices and have a say in how they would like to spend their time, we are teaching them self control and time management. By having certain restrictions but offering them choices, we are teaching them how to compromise and make smart decisions.
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