Making Sure Your Children Are Friends

     One of the biggest favors you can do for your children is to help them become friends with each other. From the time that my second child was born, I began to tell my children how important it is to have a sibling. I told them how they would always have each other. I told them that they were family and there isn't anyone more important than their family. 

     Turning your children into friends can be a tricky business. They need to understand that siblings are forever, but you have to help the process along. You have to set the circumstances by reducing the reasons for them to be rivals. You don't want them to feel like they need to compete for your attention or affection. You need to appreciate them as individuals by welcoming their strengths and differences.

     When the younger one is an infant and you are crazy busy, you need to be aware that the older one will have very natural jealous feelings about the baby. You can work to curb those feelings with simple statements of how the baby belongs to all of you. Have the older child help, include the older child as much as possible. Reinforce what a great older sibling they are going to be by helping to teach the baby how to talk and play. Make sure you tell them how much you love them and how important they are to you. Find time to give them hugs and pay attention to them when the baby is sleeping or content. Be careful not to make them promises that you can not keep because the timing of the baby's needs is unreliable. This may cause resentment and hurt feelings. Doing things spur of the moment will work best.  

     It is important to encourage them to see the good in each other. And encourage them to support each other in sports by attending the games. It is important to help them find and promote each others talents. Try very hard not to compare them and make either of them feel inferior to the other. When school grades are issued, keep your disappointments to yourself until you are able to speak privately to them. Please try not to shame one in front of the other. It will not make the situation any better and it may put a real wall between them. They will both grow and mature at different rates because they will not always have the exact same experiences. 

     When they are angry with each other, let them try to work it out unless it comes to physical attacks. Please don't allow name calling, that can be very hurtful and we all know you can't take words back once they leave your mouth.  Being siblings is where you learn about getting along with others. These are the early years where you test what works and what doesn't work as you play together. If you find one or the other taking over everything and not allowing the other to ever be in control; you may want to work with them to learn compromise. When you interfere with regular arguments it may look as if you are taking sides. If they can't work it out alone, acknowledge both of their anger and try to help them with a solution.  

     Making them respect each other's property and having them ask permission from each other to borrow something will also help them become better friends. If you allow them to take each others things without asking or by asking you, you will be defeating the goal. They need to communicate and learn to compromise with each other. Please make sure that they learn to apologize to each other even if the hurt was unintentional.

     In most cases the younger sibling will mimic and try to mirror what the older sibling is doing well. They often want to be like them even during play. At times this becomes an issue for the older sibling and they complain about the younger copying them. You can help this situation by pointing out to the older sibling that the younger is copying because they admire them and find their ideas much more interesting than their own. Explain that copying is not a bad thing but instead it is a huge compliment. 

     Please remember that even though the first child is older and more capable does not mean they are not still a child. They have had you to their self for a while and still need you. Yes, you should have expectations from the older child but make sure you are not setting them too high depending on their age. Please do not be offended if the older child is not very happy about the baby being around after the initial newness wears off. Make sure to give them time, as well as listen to and allow them to have their feelings about the change this has made in their life. Still keep in mind that it is the natural order of things if they are taking it too far.  

     By avoiding making your children compete for your love, attention, and acceptance, you will be giving them the gift of a life long friend. If you are careful not to turn them into rivals but have them support each others strengths and talents, they have a better chance of being not only siblings but good friends. When your children like each other, it always makes a much happier family unit. Doing your part by allowing them to work out their differences, respect each other's belongings, and constantly reinforcing how lucky they are to have each other, will go a long way towards building a lifelong bond.  

The Effects of Club Sports and Burnout on Your Child

    When my son was 5 years old, he was invited to become a member of a swim team that practiced 3 days per week from September to March and had tournaments on weekends. My son was a natural in the water and I was so flattered that they invited him to join the team. I thought about it and decided that he was about to start kindergarten that fall and I would like to see what kind of effect that was going to have on him first. I told a play date mom about the opportunity; she told me about her experience with starting too early in a controlled sport. She had been pressured to participate and was on the team starting at about 8 years old. She didn't have any free time, was constantly tired and missed so many other fun things she had wanted to do. By high school she had done so much swimming that she had absolutely no interest in the sport at that level. She was sorry that she had been pushed to work so hard as a preteen and felt it would have been a lot more fun when it would have really counted.

     I knew of a high school boy that had been on the park district swim team from the time he  6 years old, he would drink alcohol in high school just to make it through the practices. He was so sick of the sport but forced to participate. He no longer had the drive to do well and all was for nothing, no scholarship and plenty of unhappiness. 

     Parents are starting kids out too young in club sports; they are willing to pay $1000 or more to have their child participate in the sport with a "professional" trainer. Some of these children are practicing 90 minutes twice a week plus weekend games and tournaments. If you have two children participating, it doesn't leave much time for just being a family. Some parents like to use team sports as their babysitter. While their child is at practice they have free time. Other parents have big dreams about their child being a professional athlete. 

     "The 2013 research brief, which drew from the findings of more than 50 research papers and books, found that sports specialization for kids ages 6 to 12 led to increased burnout and higher rates of injury than for kids who played multiple sports.
     The research collaborative also concluded that, for sports other than gymnastics and figure skating, the short-term edge that early specialization provides has dissipated by the time athletes are seeking college scholarships and have aspirations of a professional career.
     If a parent wants his or her kid to be the best player on a team of 8-year-olds, sports specialization can help achieve that goal. But there are no benefits beyond that, Engh said."
(Intensity of Sport Specialization can Lead to Burnout - by Matt Wixon - The Dallas Morning News).
   

    Parents tend to become very competitive. They want their children to be the best on the team. I have heard some really awful comments made to children by adults for failing to make a goal or for not running fast enough. Your child's participation in a sport is supposed to be fun. They are supposed to learn about cooperation, teamwork, good sportsmanship, and the rules of the game. It is not presumed to achieve their parents unfulfilled dreams. Playing the sport is about the child and what they are going to learn from participating. 

     Between the additional stress, expenses for gasoline, hotels for tournaments, fast food, and time constraints; is it really worth it? How often do you need to be late to fun events or skip them altogether to have your child participate in club sports that just may cause burnout anyway? You really need to ask yourself if your child would be just as happy playing in the local park district.

     Children are being given more homework than ever. They have a lot of pressure put on them at school to do well on the district tests. Many complain about not having anytime to just play or sit around and do nothing for a change. Like adults, children need down time to relax and take a breather. Club sports often take them away from other activities that they would enjoy. Would the $1000.00 or more yearly fee to be of better use in a college fund for your child? With two children, four years each, it could cost $8000.00. Maybe that money could go towards college instead of the hopes of a scholarship that may not even pay off. 




     

     

Don't Let Your Child be the "Smelly Kid"

      Don't let your child be the "Smelly Kid" because once they get that label, it never goes away. We all know how cruel children can be at times. It is so important to teach your child about good hygiene. Once again, and I can not say this often enough; the sooner you start the better chance that you have of it becoming a habit.

     Most children do not care if they are clean or dirty. They do not care to brush their teeth, brush their hair, or clean their hands. They do not care if they wear the same clothes without making sure that they get washed between use. Many children are lazy about hygiene. But that does not mean that it is a choice and we as parents need to see to it that our children are CLEAN. This is an important part of our job. Children do not have the life experience to realize what the ramifications of not brushing your teeth for three days has on the health of your mouth. And they do not smell their own breath so they do not realize that they are inflicting odor on others when they speak to them. 

     In our house, it was "teeth time" and before they were too tired at night and after breakfast in the morning, my children brushed their teeth. I told them about the cost of cavities and how much worse a dentist visit could be if they didn't brush their teeth. I mentioned people with smelly breath or rotten teeth. I told them of the troubles in the future if they didn't take care of their teeth in the present. "Ignore your teeth and they will go away." I spoke the truth to them to help them make good dental hygiene choices. Many kids wet their toothbrush and say that they brushed their teeth. Have them get it done before they are feeling too tired and lazy as it gets late. 

     Of course when they are little and you are still bathing them you have control over when they take a bath or shower. My children loved to play in the bathtub. I had alphabet letters, bubbles, boats, spray toys,... all kinds of fun things to play with in the tub. I always started bath right after dinner so they could play in there for a while. Bath time was a positive experience and so it wasn't a problem to continue the keeping clean ritual. 

     Later when you expect them to bathe themselves or shower, this may become a bit more of a challenge. But you are the parent, you run your household and if they do not take the much needed (especially starting in about 6th grade) bath or shower, it is up to you to make sure that they take it. This is part of your job as a parent. If they refuse to listen take away a privilege, or two or three until they understand that skipping a bath or shower is not a choice. If they have a cell phone, take it until they have showered consistently for a week. Remove their gaming system, basically, whatever it takes because good hygiene is necessary not a choice. It is disgusting and unnecessary to see these kids with greasy hair and smelly bodies. Don't forget to make sure that they are wearing clean clothes after that shower and not putting on the same smelly ones. Also, they shouldn't be allowed to go to school the next day in the clothes that they slept in. Remind them to shampoo their hair and not just get it wet. I have seen kids ages 11 to 15 get away with all of the above and I don't wonder what is wrong with the kid but who is running the household. 

     Children need to be taught about clipping their finger and toe nails. If you allow your girls to paint their nails they need to be taught to remove the nail polish when it starts chipping off. Make sure they are brushing their hair before they leave in the morning. If they can't take care of their long hair, make them get it cut. It's about teaching them that self-respect, responsibility, and cleanliness is the healthier choice.

     These are all tasks that are not going to come naturally to our children. They are tasks that they will sometimes feel are chores. But it is up to us to make sure that our child is not labeled "the smelly kid."  Start the good hygiene choices young so they can become habits before they become arguments with your preteen. Don't forget that you run your household, not your child, and practicing good hygiene is a MUST!

     

  

Teaching Your Child About Self Control "Everything in Moderation"

     This is one of the most important posts that I think that I can write regarding teaching your child to gain self control. In order to give them some control of their life, you need to release some of your control over them. Teaching our children time management and managing their self control over gaming, sweet treats, television, exercise, reading, eating, homework... all the tasks, needs, and leisure activities in their lives.   
   
     I knew of a brother and sister that were not allowed to watch any TV at all. Not one single minute. When they started school they were the oddballs, the ones that "didn't know anything" according to the other children. They were actually very book smart but they lacked being able to socialize on common ground with the other students and were, therefore, outcasts. They were not allowed to play any video games either which left another large hole in their social common ground.

     I am not saying that we have to have our children keep up with "the Jones'" but we do need to be sure that they are permitted to do things that other children are allowed to do. This does not mean to buy them a cell phone, iPad, $200.00 skateboard, but allow them to watch age appropriate TV shows. PBS is a wonderful teaching channel. If you don't want to buy them a gaming system, allow them to use someone else's but permit them to have the experience if you can. Everything in moderation but they need to have experiences that they can share with other children their own age.

     I know of some young girls that would spend all of their spare time reading, fantastic right? Except while they read they had their hand in a bag of potato chips, cookies or other unhealthy food items. Yes, we encourage our children to read but both of these girls were had very poor eating habits. Everything in moderation!

     I have known parents that have not allowed their children to have any soda or candy. These children have a play date at someone's house and can not get enough of the sweets. They are gluttons about it and later feel ill from over doing it. Some children are only allowed sweets at parties and then they don't know when to stop eating. On Halloween they are allowed to eat themselves sick, but then not allowed any candy the rest of the year. This does not teach the child how to monitor and exercise self control. What happens to this child when they are out on their own at college? Are they able to make wise decisions on their own? They are unprepared because they have always been controlled. How are they suppose to learn about self control now? 

     I know children that have gone off to college and completely lose control because they are having their first taste of freedom. They don't know how to conduct themselves, they do everything in excess, and they end up in trouble. If we do not allow our children to make small mistakes when they are young because we control their lives, their big mistakes could be really huge. They will not have the knowledge or life experience required to make good decisions on their own. Or they will make good decisions and they will be successful but they will make sure that they do not ever have to live at home again. You may have control over them while they are young but most likely you will not have their companionship voluntarily when they are older. 

     Many children do not realize until they get in high school that not everyone is being raised exactly as they are being raised. Many children think that your home life is just normal, then they begin to gain some life experience and realize that maybe their life could be better or different. It is a very eye opening experience when they begin to meet other parents that treat their own children with respect and trust. Suddenly they begin to make plans to rebel, they do not want to be controlled, and they start to feel suffocated by the restrictions they have been living under. Many of these children begin to take "stupid" unnecessary risks just to prove they have control over their lives. 

     Please do not misunderstand what I am trying to express. We need to have rules while allowing our children some control of their lives. We have to allow our children a certain amount of freedom. We need to let them make choices and decisions. We need to talk to them about everyday life and experiences. We need to be honest with them about consequences for their actions. We need to have expectations and expect them to follow our rules. But we need to allow them to make choices that are different from ours without penalizing them for having their own opinions. We need to listen and build trust. 

     Everything in moderation; if church on Sunday is an absolute for you, and dinner at Grandma's house on Thursday but they get a chance for a sleepover on Friday, don't make them stay home for family game night. If today was rainy and they played video games or watched a couple movies but tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day, then it's time to get outside to exercise or do yard work. Have a desert night, maybe they help bake it or pick it out but don't deny them treats or sweets. If it's about cavities, then oversee their brushing of teeth that night. But the more that someone is deprived of something they want, the greater the attraction for that item. By allowing them to make choices and have a say in how they would like to spend their time, we are teaching them self control and time management. By having certain restrictions but offering them choices, we are teaching them how to compromise and make smart decisions. 
     

Teaching Your Child to Respect Their Possessions

    Our job as a parent is to raise our children to be respectable and responsible members of society. As parents we want to be proud of our children and have others admire our children. Good behavior is a great way to get raved reviews on your parenting skills. My children were always welcome everywhere because they knew how to behave properly and show respect for others and other people’s possessions.

    

     Children should be taught early to take care of their possessions. We don’t throw our toys, we put our things away when we are done playing with them, and we put our outdoor toys away before we come into the house… We hang up our jacket, pair up our shoes by the door, put our dirty clothes in the hamper, and put things back where they belong when we are done with them. So we can find them easily when we are ready to play with them again.

      

     When raising a child, everything is a process. You need to mean what you say and be consistent. Most importantly, you need to start the good habits at a young age. As toddlers, they can understand to be quiet when someone is sleeping, not to yell and scream in the house, take off their shoes as they enter the house, not to mistreat their toys or possessions… All these things can be learned from example and explanation. If they should throw or mistreat a toy, you tell them that is not how we treat our belongings. If they are stepping on toys or books, they need to be told not to do that. We need to guide them in the right direction.  We spend time explaining as often as necessary that we take care of our items so they don’t get broken and end up in the garbage. If the item continues to be disrespected, that item needs a time out on the counter with the explanation that you will return it to them when they can treat it nicely.

     

     If you allow your child to disrespect their own items, they are certainly not going to be respectful of other people’s belongings either. We need to teach them to sit properly on a couch as a toddler because of safety reasons; even a fall from couch height can cause a broken arm or dislocated shoulder. As an older child, it is a piece of furniture, it is expensive to replace and therefore should be treated as such.

     

     When they break a toy by mistreating it, please don’t go out and buy a replacement. This will not teach them anything about taking care of their possessions. Either they miss it and realize that they should have taken better care of it, or they need to earn the replacement.  Recently when I requested a preteen to pick up her iPhone off the floor; she replied “It’s no big deal if the screen were to get stepped on and cracked my parents would just buy me a new one.” I was struck speechless that she would be that inconsiderate of the value and disrespectful of an expensive possession. She obviously didn’t deserve such a privilege if these were her sentiments regarding it.

     

     A great habit to start early regarding taking care of their possessions is to have them clean up their toys before they start their next activity. The kids at my house clean up all the toys before we eat lunch. This is just a habit that we started and there are no disagreements or arguments about it. I tell them it is almost time for lunch, and they just clean up the family room like clockwork. Same if we are getting ready to go outside to play or need to run an errand or two, I will say that we are leaving soon and they just begin to clean up the mess. It’s wonderful and it’s just a great habit to start. I am talking about 1 to 4 year olds that think it is just the right thing to do. I am so very proud of all of them.  They also know which toys belong in which bin which tells me kids today are capable of good habits at young ages. If you have no expectations then you get nothing. Either you can start now and develop good habits that can last a lifetime or keep cleaning up their toys and later have a more difficult time getting them to cooperate.

    

     Don’t forget to praise them when they clean up, but don’t overdo it. They need to believe that cleaning up their mess is just the right thing to do. After all, it is!

     

     Small children love to help so please don’t turn down their help. Give them something helpful to do. They can be very young and learn to match up socks or they can just pull out all the socks and put them in a pile. If they want to help you with a chore, try to find a way to let them help because it makes them feel important and it encourages them to help later on. Try very hard not to redo what they have done in front of them if it requires adjustments, it will make them less likely to offer to help the next time. It doesn’t mean not to instruct them to do it the correct way, but they may need some practice before it lives up to adult standards.

     

     My children were making their beds at 3 years old. Yes, it often looked like a 3 year old did it, but they were beginning good habits. It wasn’t important how it looked, who was going to see it anyway? Of course they got better at it as they matured. They felt good about being my little helper. They were also learning to take good care of their possessions and their rooms.

     Please don’t underestimate what your children understand about taking care of their stuff. You need to have expectations and they need to be taught the value of what they own. Learning to respect their own possessions helps them learn to respect other people’s property as well. Respect for possessions also helps them understand a deeper respect for others. 

Disciplining Your Toddler

     Discipline can be a very touchy subject. I believe that I have some very good points regarding disciplining your toddler. Prior to even beginning to speak about discipline, I feel it is very important to point out that your toddler has zero life experience. They are trying to learn an entire language. They do not know right from wrong and have nothing to compare their behavior to except what we teach them.

     That being said, I feel that patience is our biggest asset as an adult when teaching young children new skills. There is so much for them to learn about living and being. We are busy teaching them language, manners, cleanliness, sharing, emotions, and ... it is an endless list. We often forget as parents just how much our children do not know. When we decide to have a child, we are committing to teaching them the skills they need to not only survive in our world but to excel in our world. Having children is a huge time commitment and responsibility. We should not expect anyone else to teach them the early life skills that they need. As parents, that is our job.  Introducing them to the world ...

     If your toddler is throwing a fit at your own home or a place of safety, walk away, tell them to let you know when they are done. They are doing it for attention and the last thing you want to do is give them negative attention. When they do not get the response from you which is your attention and you trying to comfort them, they stop!  I have had success with this method countless times over the years. It always works but make sure that you don't bring attention to the fit or they will perform it again. In this case, ignore it and it will go away.

     Toddlers are extremely capable of learning, they are little sponges, this is not just a saying, it is true. In my earlier posts, I have pointed out how important it is to begin talking to them when they are infants because through repetition of words and phrases they learn to communicate. The same goes for learning right from wrong. You should not expect them to know by only telling them something once. You will be repeating yourself all day long to help them understand what behavior is okay and not okay. The fact that they are just beginning to comprehend what things are and mean should be in the forefront of your thinking.

     As parents we need to retain our composure in order to parent successfully. We need to be tolerant and persistent when we are teaching them new life skills. Discipline for toddlers will mostly center around keeping them safe or the safety of your belongings. A couple examples would be not allowing them to jump on furniture, throw their toys, run into the street, go into kitchen cabinets...  If you have your house baby proof, it is important to realize that you may still have a hair straightener or curling iron, ironing board, etc... that will be left in place to cool. They want to copy you and they do not understand that they could get burned. Toddlers often seem to be climbers, it will be difficult to keep objects out of their reach. Do not stop teaching but realize that it takes repetition and effort on your part. 

     Having expressed all of the above information I now feel ready to express my sometimes unpopular opinion, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SPANKING! I believe that you are just teaching your toddler to hit others when the other child doesn't give them their way. I believe that an adult striking their toddler for misbehavior is actually the parent "out of patience." Please do not get me wrong, I have been pushed to the limit many times by children. But letting them "get the better of you" is not an option. 

     Let me explain my strong feelings about spanking another way. If I was in a class room and learning a different language, I would not want to be struck by the teacher for messing up a word. If I was in a work environment and miss packed a box of items, I would not want to be hit for doing it incorrectly. Now, add to that I was told the instructions by a person speaking a different language than my own but I still get hit for making a mistake. I think teaching your child from the beginning that hitting is not an appropriate reaction to someone making us angry is the better lesson and will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. But teaching is more than words it is by example.


     I was at a park with my son when he was little. There was a boy between 4 and 5 years old. He was hitting other children when he didn't get his own way. His grandfather noticed what was going on when another child began to cry. He went to his grandson, yanked him up by the arm and starting whacking him on the behind, saying to him over and over "WE DO NOT HIT PEOPLE!" Please tell me the logic behind this maneuver.    

     When you feel your patience starting to wane, take your toddler out of the situation. It does not mean to let them do what they want and for you to quit parenting at that moment because it is easier. It means to put them on a TIME OUT. Time out means to take them away from what they were doing. They need to sit on a chair, a place on the floor, or a rug. They need to be taught to understand that a time out means that they do not move from that area until they are told it is okay by you. They should also be taught that they need to apologize, but this comes after they understand the meaning of staying where they are placed. You may have to put them back several times and reexplain. And the next day you may have to put them back several times and reexplain. And the next and the next until they understand that they are to stay in that TIME OUT place. 

     Time out is not always convenient but it is a proven punishment method. Using a strong voice, meaning what you say, and being consistent will help make their understanding dawn sooner. I have had to sit with a time out child and keep them from leaving their time out place. But I would only sit for a minute and then continually place them back until they understood they needed to stay. Being a good and successful parent is a full time job. 

     The disciplinary action needs to take place immediately following the offense. So if there is a huge fuss in the store, you obviously do not have a time out place available. I suggest you leave the store. You let them know that they are not getting the item they are fussing about and that you have to leave now. I only had to do this once with my son and never with my daughter because my son told her what would happen if she fussed. If you do not have your toddler safely buckled in the cart at the store and they are touching everything in site and running off, you have just created your own little monster. They need to be in the cart. It is safer, more convenient for you, and for other shoppers. You will have plenty of opportunities to lose them in the stores as they age. No need to start that too early.      

      Yes, children need to learn not to touch certain items in your home. But they need to understand why they can't have them. If it is something that is breakable, expensive, or dangerous it should be put out of their reach. I feel very strongly that it is unnecessary to slap their hand. If they take a little longer to understand, slapping their hand is not going to help. It is just going to hurt their feelings. You need to be patient, teaching is repetition. You must also be consistent; if you let them play with your phone one time they are going to expect to be able to do it again. You provide your child's expectations. 

     When we decide to have a child we are committing to a lifetime of loving and caring about them. Good parenting takes time and effort. Losing control will not give them the correct message.  We need to have expectations from our toddlers but we also need to have patience until they understand our meaning. The earlier you start, the more successful you will be in teaching your child life skills. 

The Words You Choose and Labeling Children

     The words you choose to use make a difference. Just like taking the time and effort to name your child; you should think about the words you use carefully. Children tend to take many things that you say literally. You will notice this when they give you that "what do you mean" look when you use a phrase that taken literally would mean something strange. "I'm hungry enough to eat a horse."

     Of course it goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway that we really want to watch our language around our children. We don't want them repeating words that they should not be saying. We don't want them to be the child that is not invited over because parents have heard them use swear words. Remember, they learn much of what they do by copying us.

     As much as watching what words we do not want to use if front of our children there are a couple words or phrases that we want to use often; they are please and thank you. If you expect your children to use the language you need to use it too. Thank them when they have done something that you have told them to do. Ask them "please"...and tell them what you expect them to accomplish. If we want them to use manners then we need to be their best example. 

     Be very careful about labeling your children as well. You do not want to be telling everyone that your child is "shy" even if they tend to act shy because then they will be shy. Another phrase I have frequently heard is "he is a picky eater" that is a label we definitely don't want to use. People tend to take these labels and make them part of their personalities. Children often take words very literally so you want to be wise about what words you use to describe them. There may be times when you want to work this to your advantage; good listener, helper, well behaved, smart, healthy eater,... it just might work. These positive reinforcements of favorable behavior will build your child's confidence as well. 

     When my children would ask to have a friend over, play music, or tell me they were going to wear a certain outfit... I found myself saying "I don't care." Now, of course I didn't mean that I didn't care what I actually meant "okay that is fine with me." What they keep hearing was that I didn't care what they were doing. One of them asked me one time why I didn't care about anything. This really opened my eyes to the phrase I was using when giving them permission. I had to work hard not to use my original phrase but I could understand how this would make an impression on them.

     Another phase to make a difference is instead of "If I ever find out," this would be past tense, you want to prevent something by saying "Don't let me catch you..." this sounds more like "don't do it."

     When I was growing up my dad being "very old school" used negative words when we failed to do something correctly when working in the yard or helping around the house. He would say "Are you stupid?" "Are you some kind of idiot?" etc... Well, even though I do know that I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, I do find that when I drop something or mess something up I will still use those labels to myself "you idiot," "way to go, stupid" and it is a very hard habit to break. 

     For this reason, I was so careful when I was raising my kids to make sure they knew that I was disappointed in the situation not in them as a person. Also, instead of saying that was a stupid thing to do, I would say that wasn't a very smart thing to do. And of course we would discuss it and decide together what might have been a better way or a better choice.

     Please, whatever you do; don't call your children negative names. You may think that they understand you are joking but they still feel the negativeness of the words. Children tend to take words very literally and may not be able to tell you that it hurts their feelings. Years ago I heard about a study that said it took ten positive reinforcement comments to eliminate one negative statement for that person's self esteem to improve. It is such an unnecessary chance to take when using more positive comments makes everyone feel better.   

     

Teaching Your Children About Stranger Danger Part 3

     There are many decisions that you will be making as your child ages regarding just how much you are going to allow them to go off on their own. Don't fall into the trap of "Johnny's mom let's him go there alone" it is your comfort zone that is important not what other parents allow. I felt that there was safety in numbers so if two or more were going together I was more comfortable about them leaving. If their destination was fairly close that also made me feel more comfortable. If they could call me when they arrived at their destination that was a plus.

     Have the discussions about not approaching cars when people request directions or ask them questions. Never ever go with anyone that they do not know no matter what that person might tell them. There have been so many ruses used to lure children away. What if someone says they lost their dog and need your help, what would you do? Or their cat? Or they have a batch of kittens that need homes in their car, would you like to see them? Ask your children questions, find out how they think and reason. What would you do if...? 

     Give them permission to drop their backpack, instrument, or whatever might hold them back if they feel they need to run from someone. If there are two or more of them together and someone is trying to grab one of them; tell them to grab tightly on to each other and drop to the ground. If I allowed a couple kids to go somewhere I would make sure to tell them to stick together. Don't be running away from each other and goofing around. Stay together, you leave together, and you return together. Tell them to yell FIRE no matter what the situation because someone will always call the fire department before answering a call for HELP. 

     Even if a person were to have a gun or knife, they need to be told not to go with that person. That person that wants to go to a second location has a lot worse things in mind than killing them. They fight, scream, kick, bite, go for their attackers eyes... whatever it takes but don't just go with the person. Most likely that person will find the fight too much and leave them be. They want someone docile and unprepared to defend their self properly. 

     Girls and women need to know that if they are driving and pulled over by an unmarked police car they are entitled to refuse to go with them. They can request that a marked police car can be sent for them. Or follow the police car to the nearest busy location or police station. There are people constantly coming up with new ways to fool someone into going with them. If the situation is real they will understand and take your concerns into consideration. We should not have to fear a police officer. The same for someone trying to enter your house claiming to be someone official. Call the company, call the police, but whatever you do, don't just let them in your home. 

     Although many of us want to be the good Samaritan, if the situation seems in anyway odd beware of getting taken in by a ruse. Offer to go to the nearest business for help or tell them you will call 911 but don't get closer to that person and allow them to get control of you. If their are others around call out to them that someone is in need of assistance. Once again there is safety in numbers. If the situation is real, you will be doing the correct thing anyway.  

     Even when they are teens and walking somewhere they should know not to be texting or talking on the phone but should be paying attention to their surroundings.If they are listening to music they should only have one earphone in so they can hear what is going on around them. Most victims are caught off guard because they are not aware of what is happening around them. They are chosen because they are not paying attention. They even tell women to get their keys out prior to leaving a store especially at night so they are not digging in their purse. They should be walking head held high looking around as they walk to their vehicle. 

     If your child is going home to an empty house tell them not to advertise this fact. Also, make sure that they know if something looks wrong that they should not go in the house but go to a safe neighbor for help. Sometimes first instinct is to rush in and check on things when it is possible that someone could still be in the house. If they are home alone and someone were to come to the door they should not answer it. If they answer it, then someone knows they are by themselves. If someone were to break in while they are home alone, if they can leave the house they should and run to the safe neighbor. If not, they should lock themselves in a room where they can call 911. 

     If your child expresses to you that they do not want to go home alone, do your best to respect their feelings. If they are not feeling comfortable, they also may not be mature enough to handle an emergency. There might be an elderly neighbor nearby that would appreciate the company, or a stay at home mom that might be willing to have them over until you return home. 

     You have to feel comfortable with your own child's maturity level and what you think they should be allowed to do. Giving them tips on being street smart and aware of their instincts and surroundings could possibly save their life. The point is not to make them afraid but give them ideas on how to handle dangerous situations. Ask your children questions, make them think, tell them scenarios, and communicate possible solutions. 

Teaching Your Children About Stranger Danger Part 2

      "Stranger Danger" is not only about strangers. 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of sexual abuse. The high statistics of children that are sexually assaulted is proof that many occurrences are with people they know and trust. Open communication regarding their gut feelings and instincts is key to prevention.  

     Your child should not be under the misguidance that a dangerous person is ugly or a monster type looking person. There are many famous dangerous people that have been considered attractive. Many come across as very regular people without physical deformities or frightening features. It needs to be about their instincts and feelings while in close proximity of this person.

     At times it might be your instincts kicking in, don't ignore what you feel if someone makes you uncomfortable. When I was walking my children to school, their was a dad that brought his daughters to school. I saw the oldest girl shying away and feeling uncomfortable when he kissed her good bye. The look on her face made me uncomfortable, I didn't like the way he looked at me either. I never let my daughter spend the night at their home. I had the girls over to my house for play dates. I felt I would rather be safe than sorry. I didn't accuse anyone of anything but I made sure I kept my daughter out of potential harm's way. 

     Years later, one of the girls told my daughter that her dad had been inappropriate with her. Trust your instincts, your first duty is to keep your child out of harms way. If you have not made any accusations and you are wrong, you haven't hurt anyone. If you do find out that something is going on, please contact the authorities.  

     Before you send your child on a play date, you need to feel comfortable enough with that parent to ask who else will be in the house. Will they be under constant supervision? When you drop your child off, go into the house and see where they will be playing. This parent may not share the safety concerns that you do. Be sure that you feel comfortable with allowing your child to stay. Once again, you can not be concerned with someone's feelings when it comes to the safety and well being of your child. 

     Don't get me wrong, my children were allowed to do plenty. I usually knew the parents fairly well when my children went to play dates. And with sleep overs as well. I often knew other children that were going to be there and their parents. I believed in my instincts but I did this over time. My children were always allowed to have friends over to our house too. I wanted to be the hang out house so that I knew who the kids were, how they behaved, and that they were going to be supervised. 

     Make sure they know that they should be aware of the surroundings at all times. Does something not seem right? Is there a strange car parked on the street with someone sitting in it watching them? If they are playing outside and something makes them feel uncomfortable have them come to the door for you to check out the situation. If they were in the backyard, I told them if anyone came to the fence the kids were to come directly to the back door. I was always within hearing distance if the kids were playing out back. Your child should know that if they are ever at someone's house and some how they feel uncomfortable, they can always say they don't feel well and be picked up immediately, night or day! Better safe than sorry! 

     Teaching your child about trusting their instincts and gut feelings is something they will use for the rest of their lives. We are not trying to scare them but give them lessons in street smarts which are just as important as book smarts. Ask them the questions, find out how they think and reason. Do not worry about other people's feelings when it comes to the safety and well being of your child. It does not mean you can't be tactful.   

Teaching Your Children About Stranger Danger Part 1

     "Don't talk to strangers!" We have all heard this and many of us have said it as well, but I want you to consider amending this command when you discuss "Stranger Danger" with your children. 

     First of all, they don't only need to be afraid of strangers, unfortunately the "stranger danger" person can be right in your own family. More importantly than making your child afraid of strangers, which everyone is until you get to know them, your child needs to learn to trust their gut instincts. You need to help your child become aware of their own intuition. 

     Make sure you communicate with your child what is appropriate touch and inappropriate touch from someone. They do not have any life experience to help them sort this out for themselves. Discuss these important issues with your child. We all know it is uncomfortable but a vital discussion.

     My father in law, a truly wonderful, sweet person told me about being in the grocery store and attempting to talk to a small child accompanied by their mother. The mother told the child "don't talk to strangers" and pushed the cart away from my father in law. Instead of spouting the cliche this would have been a good teaching moment. These were the perfect conditions for the child to trust their instincts. Unless they test their feelings they will not know what that uncomfortable feeling means. The best time to test their instincts is when in the company of a parent or person of equal safety.

     Use teachable moments to have your child get in touch with their instincts. When in the company of you or another trustworthy adult allow your child to interact with strangers. You can have your child go up to the register to pay at a store. Of course you are near by and watching the transaction. Encourage them to ask their own questions when speaking with a coach or a teacher. Following the experience, ask them how they felt it went. Then listen to what they are telling you. If they clearly express to you that someone makes them feel uncomfortable; make sure you ask them plenty of open ended questions. They might feel uncomfortable around someone for many reasons such as they yell a lot, or a coach makes them run too many laps. But they may express that they don't know what it is exactly but they don't like being with that person. This is when you make sure that you keep them out of harms way by not allowing them to be alone with this individual. 

     If your child shies away from hugging or kissing a family member there might be a good reason. Please don't make your child hug and kiss everyone at family gatherings. They will have certain people that they feel more comfortable around than others. This is okay, and the adults should realize that the child has feelings and they are entitled to their feelings. It is unfortunate to have to mention this possibility, but watch the news, read the papers, listen to the truths your friends tell you about unfortunate incidences that have occurred. Keep your mind open to your child's feelings and intuition. Always better safe than sorry. You don't want to place your child in harms way because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. It doesn't mean you have to take any kind of action without proof but you can control what situations you place your child in.

     If you feel that an incident has occurred be sure to seek out professional advice or counseling. These are touchy subjects and uncomfortable feelings to discuss. There are instances where your child may know they feel bad but do not know how to express these feelings to you. There are symptoms and behaviors that relate to a child having been sexually abused. Should you feel you need them, you can find symptoms and behaviors on several internet sites. Please make sure that if your child has the guts to tell you something has been going on or has made them feel "icky", afraid, uncomfortable, weird,... whatever you do BELIEVE THEM!

     "Stranger Danger" is not only about strangers. 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of sexual abuse. The high statistics of children that are sexually assaulted is proof that many occurrences are with people they know and trust. Open communication regarding their gut feelings and instincts is key to prevention. Be sure to have the good touch, bad touch discussion with your child at an early age using simple, age appropriate terms.    

     

  
     

Establishing Good Habits in Young Children

      We want to help our children form good habits. If you begin certain tasks when your children are toddlers, these tasks become routine. In an earlier post, I used the example of having your child enter the house, sit down, take off and line up their shoes. If you do this every time, soon your children will sit down and complete the task by themselves. 

     You can do the same with their jacket by showing them that you place it in the closet or on a coat rack. They can learn to hang up their coat on the knob of the closet door until they are tall enough to hang it up themselves. Same goes if you let them take it off and drop it on the floor. This will become their habit and it is much more difficult to break a bad habit once it is started.

     It is a good idea to have them routinely wash their hands "with soap" after using the bathroom; this will put your mind at ease when they need to use a public restroom. Another good habit is to wash hands when you enter the house. Whether you have been to a store or they have been playing outside. These are two very important hygiene rules that can help prevent illness. When my children were young I kept baby wipes in my car to wipe our hands when we returned to the car after being in a store. If you have ever seen the tests done on shopping carts and public areas; you will understand why we had this routine. I didn't want them to put their hands in their mouth or on there faces or eyes after being out somewhere without cleaning them first. Keeping a package of baby wipes in my vehicle came in handy many times over the years. 

     Your favorite sentence should be "This is what we do." It's not a question or a choice, it is just how we do things. Then these tasks become their "Good Habits." They will just follow the expectation.  

     If you have them place their homework in their backpack as soon as they have finished. And this is what you do consistently over a period of time; this will become the regular practice. These kinds of habits help children to become organized. They need to be responsible for their own backpack as well. They will adapt to carrying it and will most likely be more aware if they do not have it when they should have it with them. These behaviors eliminate the last minute hassle of tracking down items in the morning. It's wonderful to have a calm, less hectic send off in the morning before you part ways for the day.

     Brushing teeth twice per day should be started when children are about 18 months old. In the beginning you brush with water, later they are able to use toothpaste. But they need to be supervised until this is a habit. When they are a little older, right around 10 to 12 years old, have them show you their teeth after brushing. It's time to verify that they are doing as they are told. So many children do not actually brush their teeth. I have heard children talking about just wetting their tooth brush and saying they brushed. Later, when you are paying thousands of dollars for braces you want your children to have already established good dental hygiene.

     After they change into their pajamas have them take their dirty clothes to the hamper. If you do this from the time they are a toddler, this is what they think is the norm. This will be their habit. If you wait until they are five, seven or nine years old and they have always left them on their floor for you to pick up; you are then trying to break a bad habit. This takes more effort and you will meet more resistance.

     My son was given an alarm clock for Christmas prior to starting first grade. From the beginning of school he woke up to his own alarm. This habit was important to me because when I was growing up, my mom chose to be our alarm clock. I would never get right out of bed; she would make several trips to my room to ask me to get up. Every day I would be running to catch my school bus. So for years and years I was late for everything. I was terrible at time management and every morning was harrowing. It was an awful way to start every day! I was determined that this would not be my children's bad habit. My children thought nothing of waking up to an alarm; this was to them the norm. 

     My children came out to the kitchen dressed for school. I had my daughter choose her clothes the night before to avoid delay in the morning. Their backpacks were all set; I just needed to add their lunch. They ate breakfast, brushed teeth and were ready to leave for school. I never allowed them to get in the habit of putting on the TV or bringing out toys. Once distracted, it is much harder to get them back on task. If you allow only the time necessary and make a routine, they should not have a problem being on time. My children were never tardy for school. 

    All of these tasks that I am mentioning take a matter of minutes per day but can be great habits of a lifetime. They need to know your expectations and be taught the tools to meet those expectations. Small children are eager to please, like to help, and can create good habits early with the right direction from you. It may take longer in the beginning because learning is a process but it will eliminate many hours of arguments in the long run. If you choose to wait and not have them do these small tasks; I guarantee you, you will meet plenty of resistance as they get older. Since they were never expected to do it before, why would they want to start doing the right thing now. 

      

                 

 

To Have or Not to Have a Second Child

     When it is time for a sibling, or not? Deciding to have a second child can be a big decision. How many years apart should they be? Do I have enough time in my life to have a second child? Do I really want to deal with having another child? Is it the right timing for my older child?

     If you find dealing with one child difficult, two is definitely not easier.  Are you tired and cranky with your first child, short on patience, time and enthusiasm for the job? It is another major commitment to have a second child. Don't allow peer or family pressure influence your decision. This is your life and you only get to do it once. Having children is not for everyone. Raising children is a lot of hard work.  

     On the other hand, if you are ready to have your second child you might want to consider how close you want them in age. It is more work to have two in diapers and more expensive too. Depending on where your first child is in their second year, you may still be dressing two of them. It may be difficult for your two year old or younger to actually understand the sibling concept. If your child turns three during your pregnancy you may have an easier time because they are becoming more independent. There is a chance that they will be potty trained, able to get dressed without help and stay busy on their own for a longer period of time. If they are four or five year's old and attending preschool or kindergarten for a couple hours, this will give you some one on one time with your new baby.

     When it is time to share your news with your toddler, remember to them one day is a long time so you may want to wait until you are closer to the due date. But you also want to prepare them and have them get used to the idea. The words you choose can help you include them, "we are having a baby" instead of "mommy is having a baby." We need to get ready for "our baby." Make it a family project.  

     I remember feeling a bit guilty and worried about my son feeling replaced. Babies require so much of your time and attention. I wanted to give to my second child the same start I gave to my first. Would I have enough time to give to both of them?

     There are plenty of ways to give your older child attention while tending to the baby. My son would sit next to me so I could read to him while I nursed my daughter. We might watch and discuss a show he liked. He would build Legos nearby and talk about what he was building. I might sit at the kitchen table and nurse her while my son would draw or paint... I made sure I included him by calling him "big brother." I would ask him to get a burp cloth or clean diaper, making sure to always thank him for his help. I allowed him to hold her while I was there to supervise. I told him that if he spoke to his little sister a lot that she would learn words from him. He could hardly wait until she was big enough so they could play together.

     Please keep in mind that just because your first child is older doesn't mean that they are mature. Try to keep your expectations of them realistic for their age. Your older child still has so much to learn about living in this world. How to be a sibling and share the attention of their parents is one of the bigger life lessons. 

     Not everyone is thoughtful of the older sibling's feelings when they are coming over with gifts for the new baby. Keeping this in mind, it may be beneficial to shine a little attention your older child's way. If they have been helpful, mention it. If they are too young to be helpful give them genuine praise in another direction. If someone else is holding baby, encourage them to sit with you. We want to develop a great sibling relationship and need to try to prevent early resentment.  

     It should be your choice on whether or not you want to have another child. Giving into family or peer pressure will only make you unhappy. Your decision needs to be based on what you want and what makes sense for your life plan. Preparing your toddler for a sibling should be done thoughtfully. Their age, maturity, and feelings are relevant to the process. Our goal is to build a wonderful sibling bond to last their lifetime.