Children Need to Know That Good Behavior is Expected

     Are you wondering when we start to teach our children about good behavior? Believe it or not, it is when they begin to crawl. Even though we have made our home "baby safe," there are always items that we cannot remove from their path. Therefore, they need to know that certain items are off limits. 

     A parent gives the simple command "Behave," I have seen this over and over again.  What does that mean to a toddler? They do not have the concept of what that word means. They probably understand that you are not happy, but what you expect is beyond them. You need to be much more specific, please stop yelling, please stand still, please sit down, please stop pulling on my sleeve...And if they do not understand the words, show them what you mean.

     How you make them behave in their own home will be the foundation of how they will act when you take them to other people's homes. If you allow them to be rough with toys or throw toys, the will repeat those actions at a play date. Destructive behavior my cause them not to get asked back for another play date.     

     Children need to learn that certain items in the house belong to you. These items are simply not for them to touch or play with. You must use a strong voice, you must mean what you say and be consistent. Do not make a game out of it by sweeping it out of their reach and jokingly telling them "no, no, no" in a sweet little voice. They may look directly at you and reach for it again; you repeat "not for you." in a strong voice and shake your head no. Explain to them that it belongs to you and they are not to touch it. Children need boundaries to help them establish in their own minds what acceptable behavior is.   

      Good behavior may have to do with what you decide is acceptable in your own home. Maybe you prefer that shoes be taken off at the door. You instruct your child to walk in and sit down, remove their shoes and pair them on the rug. Ask "what do we do when we come in from outside?" you have an expectation.  Ask them as they remove their coat "where does your coat belong?" and then they know you have an expectation. These expectations turn into good habits. In a short period of time, you no longer have to remind them, they do it automatically. 

     I have had kids walk in to my house then take off into my other rooms like a wild person, yelling or screaming. I think; what the heck? Is this the type of behavior you want your child to express? If you speak with them prior to entering someone's home, letting them know your expectations, they will behave. If they do not, it requires a consequence. You might take them back outside, reiterate your expectation and go back to the door again. 

     Maybe your couch is old and you plan to get a new one; that does not mean that grandma's couch is old. So when you allow your child to stand, run or jump on your couch what might they do at grandmas? Or your neighbors house? How about when you get that new couch and you have to teach them all over again. Now you are trying to change their expectations which is more work for you. Furniture is not meant to be jumped on, it can be expensive and there is also a safety issue.   

     If you choose to allow your child to walk around while eating food, their expectation is to be able to do this anywhere. They do not understand any differently. So you are at your brother's for a family party and your child will not stay in their seat to eat their meal. There is now greasy chicken leg on their sofa and crumbs on their new carpet.  Obviously, this is not acceptable behavior of a guest. Children need to be taught we eat at the table, period. They need to sit until they have completed their meal. They are not allowed to go from the table to playing and back to the table. We do not walk around with food or drinks. This is the expectation, this is what they will know because it is what you have taught them. These are good manners and proper behavior. If they do not want to sit to eat then they can't be very hungry. When they are hungry enough, they will follow the rule and sit in their seat. 

     Your children will get the idea but they are trying to learn an entire language so you may have to say it a couple dozen times. And then maybe a couple dozen more depending on if you have been truly consistent. You need to be patient, teaching is repetition.

     When our children are young, we need to teach them how they should act. We need to start early so good behavior becomes a habit. We need to give them the boundaries and the tools to reach this goal. Saying to a two year old "You need to behave" is worthless. You need to be more specific when you give them direction. Repetition is your best teaching tool. Being a good parent means putting in the time and the work it takes to raise decent children. 

Answering the Cries of Your Infant

     It is vital that you connect with your newborn. They are literally helpless without you. Every experience is new to them and they have so much to learn. As parents, we are the ones that will be teaching them what life is all about. 

     Babies should receive infinite hugs and comforting words. It is important to respond to both their cries and their coos. I was told that the sooner you cooperate when your baby cries; the better that baby will cooperate as a toddler. I liked this idea, it made sense to me, so I decided to use this strategy when my son was born. 

     Do not get me wrong, there were times when he had to cry for a couple minutes but for the most part I answered his cries promptly. If he would begin to cry, I would talk to him so he was reassured that I was nearby. When he would hear my voice, he would often stop crying. I would attend to him timely, assuring him, even though he stopped crying that his needs were answered. As my son grew more confident that I was there for him, he cried less often. He became a happy, easy going baby. 

     It is important to be deliberate when burping your baby after nursing or formula. If you burp them part way through the feeding, you avoid putting more liquid on top of the air they intake. At times you think they are fussing for more when actually they already have a gas bubble. If you speak to them calmly and gently while they fuss during burping, they will often settle in and relax causing the burp to come up. 

     If you are having a difficult time getting a burp, try burping them in the sitting position on your lap instead of over your shoulder. Make sure that you are supporting their head by gently holding their chin. Sometimes moving from the sitting position to the shoulder position will also bring up that much needed burp and vice versa.

     By taking the extra time to burp them well, and sometimes it takes a while, you help avoid your baby being uncomfortable. I have taken up to ten minutes to get a burp out of a baby, but when that baby was ready to nap, they slept peacefully not fretfully. Colic is a buildup of gas, I was fortunate that neither of my children suffered from severe colic. I honestly believe that getting good burps out of your infant reduces colic. 

     If your infant is having an episode of colic; try letting them lie on you tummy to tummy. The warmth from where the two tummies meet will often help move their gas. They hear your heartbeat, they feel cozy and as you pat their back they relax. You can also lay them on your arm, head at your elbow, facing the floor, one of their arms over yours in front, the other against your body, and their tummy on your hand. Your other hand making sure they are balanced properly to be safe. I would often stand and rock with the babies in this position. This avoids them being face up thinking it might be time for a feeding. It will surprise you how much the baby will relax in this position when they are fussy.  

      As far as answering the coos, what could be more delightful and engaging than when your baby is starting to make happy noises? This is when we encourage them to start language. Babies love faces, they are delighted when you are face to face with them. The more you talk to them, the more they will respond to you. Please remember not to use baby talk; we want them to hear real words as early and often as possible.
   

     Taking the time to burp your baby well, may reduce colic. Quick, efficient response to your baby's needs builds their confidence. They know that their cries and distress will not go unanswered. You are not only strengthening their confidence but also their trust in you as their parent.   

     By the way, my son did become an extremely cooperative toddler. He was very patient when I answered his baby sister's cries, when she joined our family.

Children's Nutrition and Food Choices Part 3

Part 3  Food choices and nutrition is a very full topic. No pun intended. We all know how easy it is to make the wrong food choices. We are often in a hurry and make the quicker, easier choice when we grab something to eat. Or we are tired and don't want to bother thinking about the nutritional value. We need to remember that we are being an example to our children. 

           As my children aged, they were able to choose their own portion but if they took it, they needed to finish it. If they wanted more after taking a smaller portion they were always welcome to have more. I wanted them to understand that it is not necessary to be wasteful. If they didn't finish their meal, desert was out of the question. I didn't offer desert on a regular basis; I feel it is a bad habit to start. Occasionally, they had a treat or snack after dinner if they became hungry. 

     When they had friends over for lunch, I would set out a buffet of different foods. We would discuss what a balanced meal consisted of and they were able to choose what they wanted to eat. I would offer a couple choices in each category. This became a very popular way of serving lunch and they did not even know they were having a lesson in nutrition.   
        
     There are times when you need to stop children from over eating. We often eat much more than necessary because it tastes good. Our children do burn a lot of calories if they are actively playing for several hours. But they do not need to make up for it in one meal. A three year old child does not need to eat three slices of French toast. Look at the portion size on cereal boxes; if they are eating three bowls of cereal, they are eating for taste not hunger. I have told children "Wait ten minutes, if you still want more you are welcome to have more." Quite often when the ten minutes were up, I was told, "No thank you, I am full." 

     If your children are active and playing sports, you may want to think twice before limiting their food intake; especially if they are not overweight. Busy children need enough food to keep their body and brain fueled. Sending them off to school in the morning after a decent breakfast is a great habit for them to sustain. It is smart to eat well and get enough exercise to maintain a healthy physique.

     If there is a weight issue and your child needs to lose a few pounds, take care on how you approach the subject. You are in control of what you buy, therefore stop bringing tempting items into the house. By removing the junk food, the entire household can make healthier choices. Whatever you do, don't allow one without a weight issue to eat sweets and treats while denying the child with the weight issue. Make sure they are more active, instead of making them feel self-conscious about their food intake. As an adult, it is often difficult to start an exercise program or watch what you are eating. Please keep that in mind when you decide what to expect from your child. Try to find out the underlying cause of their weight issue. Use commonsense and speak to them the way you would like someone to speak to you. Be their mentor not their monster. 

     While my children were growing up, I was very careful to not use food to fix their feelings. If they were disappointed because a play date was cancelled or they were not invited to a birthday party. I made sure NOT TO go for ice cream or bake them cupcakes...in order to make the hurt feelings go away. As parents our first instinct is to fix everything for our children. But I did not want to make food their fix. Instead we spoke about their feelings, they learned to live with their disappointments, and they found something else to do. The library, the park, the backyard, a bike ride; are all good alternatives to a food fix. 

     Teaching our children about healthy food choices and good nutrition is a crucial part of our job as a parent. We not only need to share information with them but we need to teach by example. If we have poor eating habits; mostly likely our children will follow in our footsteps. Showing them how to put together a balanced meal is only one example of providing the knowledge they need to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Children's Nutrition and Food Choices Part 2

     Part 2:  There are several factors to consider before starting your child on solid food. Do they sit up well in the highchair? Do they have enough teeth? Do they have good control over swallowing?

    When your children are ready for more solid food, the same vegetables are cooked and cut into very small pieces. They need a slight mushy texture so they are easy to chew and swallow. This is the stage where you say over and over again "one piece at a time." Many children tend to stuff too much food in their mouth which is a potential choking hazard. It is not too early to teach them about chewing with their mouth closed. Show them how you chew and they will imitate you. When they ask for "more please" they need to be told to finish chewing first so they are not speaking with their mouth full. It is NOT too early to learn good manners. 

     It is quite helpful to start with the vegetable, have them finish it, and then move to the next course. This way you always get the vegetable in prior to them being full. If you give them a plate with several things on it, they are going to eat their favorite first and leave the rest. The vegetable first strategy helps since they are hungriest at the start of the meal. I usually make more than one so they have a choice. They should have to try each vegetable several times but as a very small portion. They will learn to like more varieties as time goes on. It is important to introduce an assortment of vegetables, prepared in a variety of ways. For example, carrots have a different flavor cooked versus raw.  

       Pancakes, waffles, bread, biscuits...do not require butter or toppings. Your children will be perfectly happy eating these items served plain. They are not aware that it should be served differently. This way you avoid sugary toppings or dairy if they are under a year old. Making a dipping sauce out of fresh fruit using the blender or Baby Bullet would be fun for them as they age a bit.  
  
     Be aware of portion size, their stomach is as large or actually as small as their fist. You want them to know when they are full. It is a good habit to give them small amounts and they can always have a second helping. Some children feel overwhelmed when they are given an adult portion of food. Be careful not to force your child to eat more than they feel they are able. I insisted my children always eat their vegetables. Otherwise, I didn't expect them to finish everything on their plate. When you are full, you are full and I was pleased they could determine when to stop eating. 
  
     If your children have a smaller appetite, you may want to offer them a snack in between their regular meals. A small portion of a healthy snack will hold them over until their next meal. When I mention healthy snack, it doesn't always have to be a fruit or vegetable. Children also need breads, grains, pasta, and proteins to continue healthy growth. You may want to make sure that juice or sugary drinks are not causing their diminished appetite. 

      Some children have trouble with different textures and their gag reflex kicks in. Please do not force feed these items, it will make mealtime miserable for everyone. The gag reflex is a very real thing and should be taken seriously. Would you want someone to make you eat a food item that was making you gag? If you know that an item effects one family member but others enjoy it, just offer a second choice in this food category. 

     You will want to make sure that your child is ready for solid foods. Children need to understand that they are required to try new food items. Using the vegetable first strategy helps eliminate conflict at the end of the meal. Pay attention to portion sizes, it is helpful to start with small portions and they can always request a second helping. Try not to get stuck in the "favorites rut," instead enjoy the adventure.  If you want successful cooperation at the table; start early offering a variety of food items. 
      

     

Children's Nutrition and Food Choices 0 to 1 Year

     Balanced meal, my daughter has heard me say this since she could sit up in the highchair. Unfortunately with my son, my first child, I didn't do as well at the beginning. He wasn't aware of this phrase until he was about three years old. I wanted them to understand how to put together a nutritious lunch. We discussed the different food groups and how to choose from each group to put together a healthy meal.

     We teach our children nutrition by default, they learn by what we buy and make at home. If you are buying and giving them fast food that is what they are going to know. Those are the choices they are probably going to make. If we are paying attention to the news, the internet, magazines... we are finding out that you will be better off by practicing good eating habits early in life. 

     We start our children out on either breast-milk or formula. They drink gallons of the stuff before they start the almost liquefied rice baby cereal. My recommendation is to wait until they are at least five months old before starting cereal. I remember how exciting it is to have them start on food. It is a fun time because they are more interactive and awake. Please follow the rules about giving them only one flavor at a time, making sure they don't have an adverse reaction, prior to trying another grain. 

     They have now completed the cereal phase, you are safely feeding them cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Now we get to test out the vegetables and fruits. Once again, it is vital that you test these one at a time. If they end up having a reaction, it is important to know which food is causing the reaction. Reactions don't always appear immediately; that is why you give them the same fruit or vegetable several days in a row. Many children can eat everything but there are children that are extremely allergic to certain foods. Not all pediatricians will tell you this, but a food reaction can show up as a terrible diaper rash. It is true; I have seen it happen on many bottoms. 

     Recently I had the pleasure of babysitting adorable twins. Their mom made their baby food using the Baby Bullet. She would cook either fresh or frozen vegetables, grind them in the Baby Bullet, without using any additives (some nursery water for consistency) and there you have it, baby food. The twins are fabulous eaters and they love all of the vegetables and fruits. They actually ask for second and third helpings of vegetables. They eat them plain, no butter, no salt, and no sauce of any kind. On the internet I have seen baby food recipes, I do not think you need a recipe, vegetables and nursery water is the recipe. I think we would all like our children to enjoy their vegetables as much as the twins.

     Please make sure that you are not giving your child milk products prior to one year of age. This includes macaroni and cheese, cheese products, butter, cottage cheese, yogurt, ice cream... I have known a number of children that became lactose intolerant; they had been given dairy prior to their first birthday. I feel it was connected. There are plenty of food choices without including dairy to their diet too early. 


     Fruit juices are unnecessary extra sugar, natural or not. If I did give my child juice it was about 1/3 juice and 2/3 water. If you want your child to like water, introduce them to nursery water at about four months old. Offer your baby some water in between their regular feedings. This keeps them hydrated and they get a taste of something other than breast-milk or formula. Make sure the water is not a replacement for the feeding. 

     Starting good eating habits early is a key element to your children's nutrition. Keeping it simple, fresh or frozen with a little nursery water for consistency gives your child a true taste of vegetables. Please follow the safety rules for introducing new foods to your baby. If your doctor has made special changes to your baby's formula for health reasons; everything should be discussed with the doctor first.  Enjoy all these fun new phases of their lives, they grow up so fast.  

     

     
      

Bedtime for Infants and Toddlers

     Many people have said newborn babies are good at three things; eating, pooping, and sleeping. It is true, they do plenty of all three but they are nice enough to mix up the order a bit to keep you guessing.

     You want your child to be able to sleep under varying circumstances. It is not wise to make your baby's nap time dark and quiet. There will be times when you are away from home and you don't have anywhere quiet to put your child down for a nap. When they are raised with the expectation of dark and quiet, they lose their ability to fall asleep under noisy conditions. When this occurs both you and your child end up miserable. The freedom that you gain when your child can sleep in the stroller at the mall, at a family get together, doctor's appointment, out running errands...basically in any environment. Knowing that your child can get the sleep they need, while you escape the house for a while, will make both of you much happier people. 

     Your baby is new to this world, what you introduce them to, is what they know as truth. This means that you have the opportunity to set up their expectations. My mom told me not to start anything that I wasn't willing to do all the time. I was careful to start rituals instead of bad habits.

     When I was babysitting as a teen, there was a mom that rocked each of her three girls in their beds for about fifteen minutes. She continued this each night even after they were five years old. It started with her oldest and became an expectation from the younger two. She was a stay at home mom, this additional forty-five minutes made her day very long.  Patting or rocking for a few minutes is fine but babies need to actually figure out how to fall asleep on their own. 

     When my children were infants, I nursed them, burped them and put them down to sleep. When they were no longer nursing, I rocked and sang to them for a few minutes then placed them in their crib. I made sure they had their favorite comfort item (pacifier, blanket, or stuffed toy), I told them "night, night" and left the room. If they fussed, I spoke with them gently, resettled them but did not pick them up or remove them from the crib. If I returned again, I made sure they had their comfort item, resettled them, and patted their back for just a minute. Once again, old them "night, night" and left the room. I may have returned several times the first couple days but they soon understood bedtime was bedtime.

     For this method to work, you need to be sure they are tired enough and that they have their favorite comfort item. Most importantly, once you have put them down for nap or the night, DO NOT take them back out of the crib. If they fuss, and don't settle themselves, build their confidence by letting them know that you are nearby. They need to know that when you tell them "night, night" that means time to go to sleep. If you take them back out of the crib, the next night they are going to expect the same, and the next, and the next. This becomes a vicious cycle, your child is upset and you are frustrated.  You end up spending your evening trying to get your child to stay in their bed. Or they end up miserably crying themselves to sleep.

     Bedtime should be a happy, peaceful time. The bed should never be used as a punishment or a threat if they are misbehaving. This would turn their bed into a negative instead of a positive place to spend time. Which may turn bedtime into an even bigger challenge.  

     When my daughter was fifteen or eighteen months and asked for water after she was in her crib, I put a sipper cup of water on the dresser next to the bed. I would hear her in the middle of the night, get a drink of water, restart her musical crib toy, and go back to sleep. She not only knew bedtime was bedtime but it was also building her confidence. The cup by the bed prevented one of the stalling tactics that many young children employ when they don't want to go to bed. It is important that you have covered all the stalling tactics prior to tucking them in and that they are sufficiently tired. Then the balance of the evening should be your own.

     We never had an issue when it was time to move to a big bed versus a crib. They knew bedtime was bedtime and they didn't come back out once they were in bed. I always left their bedroom doors open so I would be able to hear them if they needed me. I told them while still in the crib at both nap and night time, to call me when they were awake and I would come to get them. I made sure in the morning when they called me; I responded that I was on my way. They knew that they could trust me to be there for them. Having them call out to me also prevented the worry of having a toddler wandering the house unsupervised.

     When moving them to a big bed after the crib; be sure they are ready. Talk about it for a few weeks before you make the change. If they are already climbing out of the crib, you are going to have a tough time keeping them in a big bed. You may want to have discussions with them prior to making the move. You want to avoid lying down with them in their big bed to get them to stay in it. Allow them books, or stuffed animals but you don't want to become their "comfort item."  Remember, it is their bedtime and not yours. If you feel they are mature enough to be in a big bed then they should be able to fall asleep on their own.   

     When they grew out of the rocking/singing stage, we switched to books as our bedtime ritual. If they were not quite ready for sleep they were allowed to look at extra books. But they stayed in the bed. I would later clear out the extra books, make sure they were covered and turn out the light. 

      When you tell your child that it is bedtime, you really need to mean what you say. Be careful not to give them mixed messages. You may have to work at it for a few days but ultimately you will save yourself a lot of frustration. Once they have been put to bed for nap or the night, they need to remain there. It may seem like no big deal to give them five more minutes but keep in mind that you are creating their expectations of how life works. 

     

     

Teaching Your Child to Be Considerate of Others

     More and more often these days I find myself very frustrated. I constantly come in contact with people who are inconsiderate of others.  Inconsideration shows up in so many forms. There are many small ways that we can be considerate of others every day.

     Let's start with little ones and teach them to be aware of those around them. Let's show them how they might treat other people in a kinder way. Maybe the child has an older brother that is still sleeping; we tell the younger sibling that they need to be quiet until the older child wakes up. We practice using a softer voice and avoid using noisy toys. This not only teaches consideration but it heightens awareness of their environment. With the older child the roles may be reversed and the toddler is napping. I think you get the picture.

     Another way of teaching young children to be considerate is to hold the door open for someone else. At a store, if someone is on the way out as you are going in, hold the door for them and wait for them to exit. It is a matter of putting someone else's needs before your own. It only takes an extra thirty seconds but it makes you aware that other people share your world. Many of these niceties are taught by simply being a good example. It often amazes me how children pick up the habits of the adults around them.  By politely saying "excuse me" when you walk in someone's way, or pass by them is another sign of having good manners.

     We coach our children to be more considerate by instructing them to share toys, wait their turn, and be quiet at the library. These tasks help them to grow up less self-centered and enrich their "street smarts." They become more in tune with their surroundings and the people that are nearby. These abilities will prepare them for future tasks such as driving. Being a good drive requires constant awareness of what is happening around you. 

     Knowing to be quiet while you are on the phone or speaking with another adult is a valuable lesson for small children. If they need to interrupt, they need to say "excuse me" and wait for you to acknowledge them. Children need to learn to be patient, learn to wait, and to realize that they are not the only person in the universe. These significant aspects of good conduct will benefit them for a lifetime.

     Having good manners and being considerate of others, helps children to obtain and maintain friendships. Being able to wait their turn promotes patience. Learning to be patient is a good character builder, it helps children acquire self-control. Patience and self-control are two valuable aspects of sitting through the school day. 

     Considerate, patient children often receive acknowledgement from adults. Positive recognition helps raise their confidence and reinforces their good behavior. Being chosen to assist with important tasks makes them feel more capable. The extra responsibility reinforces their self-esteem and advances their maturity. Being considerate of others has many advantages throughout your lifetime.   

Time Out for Mommy

    Okay Mommy, it's your turn for a time out. Not the traditional time out that comes to mind when you are raising little ones but a real time out. 

  

     Moms this post is for you! You are hardworking, incredible women with a purpose. Being a parent is a difficult job especially if you are doing it right. You are giving so much to your family that you may often find that you have no time for yourself.

     Well, you need to rectify this situation. Make sure that you are getting the breaks that you need. Be sure you are taking the time to do some of the activities that you enjoy. If your baby is napping and you were up feeding him/her overnight take a nap. You need your sleep in order to take better care of your baby. For the time being, some of the household chores need to be put on hold. You and your baby's health and well being need to take priority.  

          The playpen is a wonderful safe place for your baby to spend time. It comes in handy when you need to answer the door, the phone, use the bathroom or take a shower. Give them a few of their (safe, age appropriate) toys and go get a task done in another area of the house. At first, due to a short attention span, your baby may not be happy for very long. In time, they will benefit greatly knowing how to be content alone. And you will benefit by having a safe, controlled area for your child. The playpen is a wonderful place for them to feel secure and confident. I would often play the radio or put PBS on the TV so they would have company in the room with them. Begin using the playpen early so it becomes a place of familiarity, safety, and security for them. 

     Due to infants having a short attention span, I would set up different stations in my family room and kitchen.  A blanket on the floor with hanging toys or picture books standing open, the swing, the bouncy seat near me or facing outside, and the stroller with toys hanging from the handle. Every little while I switched stations to give them new experiences and keep them content. Don't get me wrong, I have held all the babies for hours but be aware that you are setting up their expectations. Also, just because they are in a swing, playpen or blanket on the floor, does not mean that you stop interacting with them. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I talked to all the babies constantly.  

     Being a parent is a full time job. Even when you are not with your children you are still responsible for them. But in order to take good care of your family, you need to take good care of yourself. Make time every day, to do at least one thing that you enjoy. In the beginning when you have a new born that one thing might be a hot shower. But as you adapt to the new routine find some time for yourself. While your child is content or asleep; pick up a book or magazine and take a few minutes to refresh and relax. Or get in a workout if that is what makes you feel better. By all means, find some stolen moments to just be you.

     I found that it isn't the physical work of taking care of children that is so exhausting but the emotional efforts that you put into teaching, comforting, and supporting them. Their tantrums, their frustrations, and their misbehavior all take an emotional toll on Mom. Their hugs, their smiles, and their love just barely cover the endless benefits. 

     Make sure that you do your child the favor of letting them play by themselves. Be careful not to make yourself their sole entertainment. Avoid making them dependent on your attention to make them happy. If you help them to develop their imagination, they can find happiness while playing alone. Introduce quiet time where they look through books without you. If you teach them to be comfortable with themselves, you will be giving them a lifelong gift. 

     If you have always kept them occupied by playing with them, you have done them a great injustice.  You will find they expect you to come up with ways to keep them entertained. This prevents you from having the time necessary to complete tasks that don't involve your child. Even trying to have a conversation with another adult may become difficult if you are allowing your child to be too dependent on you.  It is important for everyone to find ways in which to be content alone. 

     If your child(ren) are playing in the living room and you decide to read the mail, although they want your attention, you are allowed to tell them it is mommy time. You may need to explain that they can play with toys and
look through books but there is something else you need to accomplish. You are there to assist them with problem solving, help them should they need it, make sure they are safe but nobody can work 24 hours a day without a break. Do not feel guilty about your break either. If you add up the time you have to yourself v. the time you give to others in a week, you will find a great discrepancy. 

    Another good way to get mom time is to arrange play dates with other mom's with children near your child(ren)'s age. You get together at each other's homes, have lunch or coffee, and talk while you watch the kids play. It's a great time to bounce ideas off of each other or complain or be happy or supportive. Put the kids in strollers and go for a walk or meet up at the park. I have made some wonderful friends this way, over the years. Plus, your child(ren) benefit from learning how to socialize. 

     Make sure that dad does his share as well. Try to have discussions about how you are going to handle different situations as they occur. Be sure that he is involved and willing to help out. If he is not very good at taking care of the children or they are small and you are nursing then let him clean, cook or grocery shop. Often it is just a lack of experience in these areas but practice can make perfect. It may not be done the way that you would do it, but he is their dad and therefore should be making an effort.

     There are many other ways to get some "me" time. Meet a friend for dinner, have a friend over for lunch during baby's nap and so on. My message is MAKE SURE YOU DO SOMETHING FOR YOU EVERY DAY! You need to keep yourself fresh and happy. Before you know it the kids are off to school and you have lost part of who you used to be. Find some quiet moments for yourself. Don't let yourself get lost in life's hustle and bustle. Be careful you don't lose "you" along the way as you raise a family.  

Teaching Your Child to Become Self-Sufficient

     A large part of our obligation as a parent is to help our children become self-sufficient. We need to prepare them little by little to live in our world on their own. We aren’t going to be with them forever. We cannot live their lives for them either.

     

     Helping them to become self-sufficient begins with allowing them to make choices. As toddlers, start allowing them to choose between two different shirts to wear. Offer them the choice of a banana or a pear at breakfast. Ask them if they would rather go to the pool or park today.  Not leaving open ended choices eliminates choosing items that are unavailable or inappropriate. You don’t want them to wear a bathing suit to the grocery store or ask for fast food for lunch. Start by offering two choices and add more as they age.  

     

     Allow them to get their own drink of water by keeping a cup in the refrigerator for them. Having them learn to dress themselves is a big part of helping them feel confident and better prepared for life.  Though it is faster and easier to do things for them, it is important to give them these opportunities to grow as people. You will benefit from the extra minutes you enjoy while they are accomplishing these tasks on their own. 

     

     Making decisions is an important element in our lives. We make hundreds of decisions every day. Some are life changing; some are simple and basically unimportant. Starting with small decisions as youngsters will help them make bigger decisions as they grow up.

     

     When I was a child, I would be invited to a friend’s house for a sleepover. I really wasn’t very fond of sleepovers, especially if I wasn’t very familiar with the family. I would have a terrible time deciding whether or not to attend. I didn’t want to miss my friend’s birthday but I would have anxiety about sleeping there. I would beg my mom to make the decision for me but she would insist that I make that decision myself. At times, I decided to stay home and would be disappointed and miserable when hearing about the fun I had missed. This was an early step in the process of learning to live with my decisions.

     

     Making all the decisions in your child’s life fails to prepare them for the future. By making them live with the choices they make, they learn to weigh the pros and cons and make more educated decisions. Don’t bail them out every time they make a bad decision. If you fix everything for them they will not learn from their experiences. 

    

    Allowing them to make the choices regarding their sports and activities is beneficial to them. You may have good reasons for suggesting one over the other. For example, the soccer games on the weekend may be more convenient then baseball games during the week. Explain this to them, however, they are doing the activity, and the choice should belong to them. If you are making the choices for them, make sure they are for the right reasons and not to fulfill one of your dreams instead of your children doing the things they enjoy.

      Even as toddlers if they chose the peanut butter and jelly over the grilled cheese and decide they don’t want the peanut butter and jelly after you have prepared it, "Sorry, this is lunch I gave you a choice and that is what you chose." You can soften it by suggesting that they can make another choice next time.

     If they do chose a sport and then decide that they don’t like it, make sure that they finish out the season. Their team is depending on them and you can’t just quit because you feel like it. They should always see their choices through.  It is a good lesson for later in life when you have to support yourself or a family. You can’t just quit your job because you feel like it, and you need to figure out what you are going to do next and make a plan.

     

     Being happy or unhappy with the choice you make is a learning experience. We want them to realize that they have choices as teens when facing poor suggestions from peers. By now they should know there are consequences to their actions. They may think about consequences before they decide to have a drink, ride with someone that is drunk, or engage in sex without protection... the list is endless. This does not mean that we let them make all of their own decisions. It does mean that we want to help guide them into making good choices and realizing that there are consequences.

     It is important for our children to know that we all make mistakes. Learning from our mistakes and living with our decisions makes us more capable individuals. None of us are infallible. We are all just human beings trying our best. Information and experience improve our abilities to make good decisions. Our children need to know that poor decisions can be corrected in an appropriate manner.   

     Life is very unpredictable; we need to give our children the tools to be self-sufficient. The guidance to make logical, thoughtful, and careful decisions is essential. Children need our assistance with the life lessons that will help them become productive members of society. The small choices that we allow them to make today will help them navigate larger decisions that they will make as teens and adults. They need to be prepared for when we are not there to guide them. 

Teaching Your Child Communication Skills for a Lifetime

     Communication is such an important aspect of our lives. We need to begin to communicate with our children at a very early age. First we are trying to figure out what their different little cries mean. It's funny how you come to realize what your infant wants by their slightly different types of cries. Communication is a learned skill; some people have learned to be great communicators, while others never learn to communicate well.

     We need to help our children learn the important skill of communication. We begin this process by talking to them as infants. We should talk to them constantly about everything that they see around them and about all the people that come into their lives.

     When my children were infants and we would be up in the middle of the night for a feeding, I would tell them all about the members of their family. I would tell them their names, their birth dates, which person belonged with who, where they worked, and where they lived. Basically, I talked to my children about anything that came to mind. I told them about the library and what books meant to me. The different kinds of books and what type of adventures might be in the books. I was giving them vocabulary experiences.

     As they began to coo and make sounds, I repeated the sounds they made back to them and smiled approvingly to encourage them to make more sounds. I would tell them about their feet, their eyes, their faces and their beautiful smiles. I would tell them that I loved when they talked. I would imitate what they were doing and they would imitate what I was doing and so goes the learning process. I was careful to never speak baby talk to them.    

     As they learned to sit up in the high chair, I told them about the different food groups and what consisted of a balanced meal. I spoke to them while I cooked and shared what I was doing. Sometimes giving them step by step instructions. I showed them what utensils I was using to cook their meal. Which exposed them to more and more words. 

     My children both began saying words between 5 and 8 months old. It was so exciting to have their little faces light up and hear their little voices. At times, prior to their using speech, I felt like I was talking myself silly but it truly paid off. 

     When my children started to say words, even if they mispronounced them I would acknowledge them by repeating the word they had spoken but properly. To avoid discouraging them from speaking I was careful not to criticize their pronunciation. I feel that if you tell them they are mispronouncing words often enough it will discourage them from trying. After all, we are expecting a small child to learn a language in a very short period of time.   

      It is important to use the proper words for items even if your children do not. I know it is often cute when they put a name to something but saying the proper name to them will help their vocabulary grow. We want them to advance in their speaking abilities as quickly as they are capable. It makes things so much easier when they can tell you what they need. It is so frustrating when they are crying as you try to figure out what might be wrong. The sooner they use a proper vocabulary, the sooner you are able to problem solve.

     I continued to add to their vocabulary by repeating what they said to show them I was paying attention. If they said car, I might repeat it but add the color of the car. This would help them to distinguish the difference between that car and one of another color. Or I might say you have three cars and count them by pointing to each one. All of these ideas would give them new ways of looking at the same thing. I used every day experiences to educate them. 

      Reading to them was another important part of their learning experience. Not only would I read the book, but I would point to different pictures and tell them what they were. As we went through the book over and over, I would then quiz them on the items that I had previously pointed out. Then I would add colors and numbers to these conversations while we read books. It was so enjoyable to see their little faces light up as understanding would dawn on them.

     The grocery store became an adventure. It was fun pointing out all the different items in the store. What food group the item belonged in, its color or what you might add to it to make a meal. To make grocery shopping a more pleasant experience my children sat buckled in the cart. From the start riding in the cart was our rule at the grocery store.  I knew where they were, they didn't get in the way of other shoppers and we didn't get aggravated with each other by wanting to go in two different directions. They were my "shopping helpers." I handed them safe items to place in the cart. They held onto the list and often pretended to read off the items. I also allowed them to make some of the shopping choices. All the while I was increasing their vocabulary.

     We discussed their feelings when they were learning to communicate so that if they were sad, happy, frustrated, tired, or hungry; they became capable of putting a name to the feeling. Attaching names to feelings was incredibly helpful in problem solving. This was a process; plenty of trial and error. The fact that we were learning to communicate with each other was wonderful. 

     My very best friend taught me by example that it was important to be straight forward with your children. She told them what was on her mind; she shared experiences and told them what she felt. The importance of age appropriate conversations with your children helps to insure the communication process. She has raised two wonderful sons and continues to have a very open relationship with them today.

     If you choose not to listen to your children when they are young, they may fail to become comfortable telling you what is going on as they age. When they are expressing feelings or details of an occurrence and you don't take the time to listen, next time they might decide to find someone else to listen. It may be a peer with just as little experience as them; giving them council. We want to be available to help them make good life choices.  If you skip this important step, you eventually may end up not knowing what is going on in your teen or adult child's life. They may choose not to share their problems with you and you will then miss the opportunity to guide them.

     Communication is such a huge part of our development as well as a lifelong necessity. Teaching our children great communication skills benefits them their entire lives. Working hard to assure that our communication with our children reaches a comfortable level early in their lives may increase our chance of having a wonderful relationship with our children for a lifetime. 

Showing Your Child How to be Grateful

     When my children were small, I began to teach them about being grateful. I wanted them to appreciate their family, their friends and people in general. I also wanted them to appreciate the fun times that we spent with these various people. I believed that they should be grateful for all that they had and all that they did in a day.

     

     I believe that I accomplished this in a couple of different ways. One of the ways was a grateful journal that we wrote in everyday for a while. This started about the time my daughter was three and my son was six years old. Of course, my three year old would just dictate to me what she was grateful for and I would write it into her journal. It wouldn’t have to be something life altering, it was more age appropriate and it was their thoughts, not mine. For example, “I am happy we went to the park today” or “I had a great time when Mack came over to play.”  Sometimes I would help them sort out their choices by going over what had occurred that day. Being grateful is a lesson learned over a lifetime (some people never learn) and the earlier you start the sooner you will notice their progress.

     

     I also chose a list of about ten favorite things: favorite food, TV show, animal, color, book, vegetable … (I think you get the gist of it) that we would fill in and then about four months later we would fill in the same list without looking at the previous list to see how our tastes had changed. This was also in the grateful journal.

     

     My daughter mentioned to me the other night how this had a lasting effect on her thought process. It is fun to have these conversations with her now that she is a grown up. I appreciate her honesty, smarts, and straightforward thinking.

     

     Another way that I taught my children to be grateful was to have them make/draw birthday cards for all of their aunts, uncles, and grandparents that attended their birthday parties. When the adults birthday date was coming up they sat at the table, I folded a paper in half and they created a unique card for those adults. I wanted them to understand from a very early age that these individuals were not required to give them a gift and remember their special day, but that they did it out of love.  My children, in turn, would remember these adults special birthday with something homemade that took them a bit of their time. I personally do not feel that just signing a purchased card is the same; I think they need to think about the person and how they relate to the family and be more specific on their personal “masterpiece.”

      

     During the weeks leading up to Christmas, my children would make a gift for their sets of aunts and uncles, and grandparents. I either came up with a craft item I had seen, or I bought a kit from Oriental Trading Co. (online) for them to make and wrap up for the adults. This took some planning and quite a bit of time, but they enjoyed surprising them with something that they made. I wanted them to understand early that Christmas is about giving and remembering special people in their lives, and not just about the presents that they receive.

     

     I have witnessed children just rip open all their presents not stopping to thank anyone. At the end they didn’t even know who had given them which present. I don’t find this a very desirable trait to have.  Yes, they are just children but that doesn't mean they can't behave and learn self control. If my children received a gift and the person who gave it was not at the party to thank in person, they needed to write a thank you card for that individual.

     These lessons can be learned at a young age. Children should not just feel they are entitled to what they are given. I believe that the card making and the craft making helped my children see these adults as people not just as presents.  They saw these people as individuals and learned the family connections. I feel they really do appreciate their extended family. The grateful journal helped them reflect on their daily lives and friends. It gave them an understanding and appreciation for how to live their lives.