Does it ever seem like you can't put your toddler down for a minute without them fussing to be held? This is a very important habit to break. If you don't work on helping your child become more confident and self sufficient, it will break both of your hearts the first day of preschool when they won't let you go. You are not doing your child a favor by making them dependent on you for their happiness.
If you have your child in daycare, it is important to prepare them for that environment and not make it more difficult for them. Please do not carry your child or baby around all evening because as difficult as it might be to face, your child is not going to get that kind of attention at a daycare. If you teach them to be too needy, it will only make their days at daycare more difficult.
Every time your child comes to you to be picked up and has trouble playing independently, it is your job to help them feel more confident and learn to play on their own. You are doing your child a lifelong favor by helping them learn to be happy by themselves. Do you know adults that need constant attention and drama in their lives? They are constantly vying for any kind of attention available. They can't be alone and are consistently in need of companionship. Some of these people are children that received constant attention from their parents and never learned to entertain themselves.
When your clingy toddler comes up to be held, give them a big hug and tell them you love them. Redirect them to play with some toys. Play with them for a few minutes then tell them that you have other things that you need to get done. Communicate with them as they play, ask them questions or point out ideas to make playing more fun. Suggest specific toys or crafts, don't just tell them to go play. You can help them to develop their imaginations which will make play time even more fun. This doesn't mean that you never hold or cuddle your child, it just means that you need to know when to let go and when you are doing them more harm than good.
Time spent away from your child is healthy for both of you. It is good for your child to know that you leave and that you return. Should an unfortunate situation or emergency occur and you need to be away from your child they need to have experience being away from you. If you are the only one they depend on for everything, you are really doing them a great injustice. It's important for them to learn how to deal with different personalities.
There are many small things that you can be doing everyday to help your child become less dependent on you for their needs. Keep a cup of water on the kitchen table where they can reach it to have a drink without having to ask. It is important to give them enough time in the morning to dress themselves, and in the evening to put on their own pj's. Have them take their own plates or bowls to counter by the sink. Teach them skills such as putting on their own shoes, boots, hats, gloves, and how to zipper their own jacket. These are skills they will use all their lives and it is your job as their parent to teach them how to take care of themselves.
Too many parents feel it's easier to do it themselves than to argue with their child. It shouldn't be an argument, you are the parent and the adult in the family. Your child should show you respect and do as they are told. If you let them know what is expected and have them follow those expectations then taking care of their own belongings should not be an issue. And remember to reward them with praise, sincere praise and not reward them with food or toys.
I have also heard too many times, "It's faster if I do it myself." Though this may be true, your job is to give your child the opportunity to accomplish new tasks, feel capable and learn new skills. In turn, this makes your child more independent and confident of their abilities. It also gives you more spare time as they do more on their own.
Our job as parents is not to raise children that are dependent on us for everything they need or want. Our job as parents is to raise independent members of society that can function as adults. Adults that can make good decisions and contribute to our society. We want to provide our children with knowledge and skills that will help them make good decisions. Being capable of making good independent decisions leads to a happier life.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Children's Birthday Parties
What is the most important element of your child's birthday party? I am hoping that the obvious answer is that they enjoy themselves. After all, it is a celebration of their birthday. It is very easy to get carried away because we want our child to have a great birthday.
Many parents make the mistake of thinking that bigger is better. The more guests the merrier, but first you have to take into account who your child is and what THEY enjoy doing the most. There are many quieter children that would enjoy a small gathering instead of a big noisy public gathering.
Is your child quieter and more shy or subdued? Would you then think that they would enjoy having ten children at their birthday party? Probably not! They would most likely enjoy having two of their closest friends over to play Legos, watch a movie, and eat cake.
I think that it is important to have a birthday party to celebrate your child's special day. I also think that birthday parties have really gone over the top. Especially when the children are young and will not remember their birthday party anyway. My biggest point being that if your child is completely overwhelmed by the amount of people, noise, and commotion of the party, they are not enjoying themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases they are not old enough to put their emotions into words.
It may seem easier for you to have a party held at a community center or park district but they often set a minimum number of attendees. If it is ten or more guests, how much time does your child get to spend with each of their guests? Everyone is going in a different direction, more supervision is required and the kids often end up disappointed.
I feel it is very important to know the attendees are going to behave in a proper manner. The more intimate the party, the more control you have over how it will play out and how much fun your child is going to experience. A party with a couple children that are out of control can really ruin your child's birthday celebration.
I have been to birthday parties where some of the children were so rude to the workers that were running the party at an outside source (gymnasium) it was embarrassing to watch. The poor worker didn't know how to regain control of the party guests because it is frowned upon to correct a child for misbehavior. There was a 8 year old girl that kept telling the poor worker that she was ugly and therefore she didn't have to listen to her. The most unfortunate part was that the parent of the rude child was there and didn't even stop the behavior. Had it been one of my children, their participation at the party would have been over. The birthday boy was not very happy at his own party.
One of the first rules to insure that your child is not overwhelmed by their own party is that you only invite the number of guests equal to the age of your child. If your child is 4 then you should limit the number of guests to 4. If your child doesn't have 4 close friends then you need not invite someone just to make the number work.
Secondly, it is not necessary to invite a child because your child was invited to their party. If you do, you may end up with calamity. When my daughter was in kindergarten, I invited about 10 girls mostly from her class to her birthday party in my home. Two of them almost immediately suggested that a home party was lame and they tried to take over running the party as well as my household. They began telling the other girls what to do and encourage behaviors that were not allowed in my home. It was the most ridiculous experience that I had encountered up to that point. Some of the girls ended up in tears because of the behavior of these two, and another 5 year old, knew how to stir up trouble. I was appalled that these girls did not know how to be respectful in someone's home. My daughter actually refused to have a party in first grade.
We had her best friend from the neighborhood over for a tea party. They both dressed up, sat at the "kids" table with play dishes and highchairs for their favorite dolls. I served fruit, little cut up sandwiches and juice in a tea pot for them to fill and refill their own tea cups. My daughter really enjoyed herself.
For your own child's sake be aware of who you are inviting and that they know how to be respectful and behave at your child's party.
I know that there are rules at school regarding passing out invitations suggesting you should invite everyone in the classroom. The best way to deal with this is to just send the invitations in the mail. If you don't know the child and where they live or how they behave, maybe it is better not to invite them. Stick to the ones where you may know the parents or have had encounters with them on a more personal basis.
I have had several discussions with other parents that feel the same way I do regarding gift bags for the guests. This is completely unnecessary because the party is supposed to be about the guest of honor. Children do not need to receive a goody bag for attending some child's birthday party. If you feel you must give out something, give them a gift coupon for a sundae or ice cream at McDonald's or Burger King. All that little junk you fill a gift bag with just ends up lost, broken or in the garbage. No one will even notice if you don't give out goody bags. Why would the guests need to be rewarded for attending a birthday party?
Younger children or siblings should not be allowed to open your child's birthday gifts either. These children need to be told that the gifts belong to the birthday child. Believe me, your 5 year old does not understand why their 2 year old sibling or cousin should be able to open their gifts. The birthday child at 5, 6, 7 and even 8 or 9 is still young enough to be hurt by such a request. It is supposed to be about them, their excitement and happiness. Instead, this is a teachable moment for the younger child. This is how they learn. We teach them expectations of behavior so they grow up to be good, thoughtful, caring people that are aware of the existence of others.
Your child's birthday party does not need to be overdone. It does not need to cost you a fortune either. Your child might prefer something small, less structured and quieter. It is fun to make your child's day special, but if you end up with chaos, or what your child feels is chaos, then it is not creating the special memory you want for your child. Bigger and noisier is not always better.
Many parents make the mistake of thinking that bigger is better. The more guests the merrier, but first you have to take into account who your child is and what THEY enjoy doing the most. There are many quieter children that would enjoy a small gathering instead of a big noisy public gathering.
Is your child quieter and more shy or subdued? Would you then think that they would enjoy having ten children at their birthday party? Probably not! They would most likely enjoy having two of their closest friends over to play Legos, watch a movie, and eat cake.
I think that it is important to have a birthday party to celebrate your child's special day. I also think that birthday parties have really gone over the top. Especially when the children are young and will not remember their birthday party anyway. My biggest point being that if your child is completely overwhelmed by the amount of people, noise, and commotion of the party, they are not enjoying themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases they are not old enough to put their emotions into words.
It may seem easier for you to have a party held at a community center or park district but they often set a minimum number of attendees. If it is ten or more guests, how much time does your child get to spend with each of their guests? Everyone is going in a different direction, more supervision is required and the kids often end up disappointed.
I feel it is very important to know the attendees are going to behave in a proper manner. The more intimate the party, the more control you have over how it will play out and how much fun your child is going to experience. A party with a couple children that are out of control can really ruin your child's birthday celebration.
I have been to birthday parties where some of the children were so rude to the workers that were running the party at an outside source (gymnasium) it was embarrassing to watch. The poor worker didn't know how to regain control of the party guests because it is frowned upon to correct a child for misbehavior. There was a 8 year old girl that kept telling the poor worker that she was ugly and therefore she didn't have to listen to her. The most unfortunate part was that the parent of the rude child was there and didn't even stop the behavior. Had it been one of my children, their participation at the party would have been over. The birthday boy was not very happy at his own party.
One of the first rules to insure that your child is not overwhelmed by their own party is that you only invite the number of guests equal to the age of your child. If your child is 4 then you should limit the number of guests to 4. If your child doesn't have 4 close friends then you need not invite someone just to make the number work.
Secondly, it is not necessary to invite a child because your child was invited to their party. If you do, you may end up with calamity. When my daughter was in kindergarten, I invited about 10 girls mostly from her class to her birthday party in my home. Two of them almost immediately suggested that a home party was lame and they tried to take over running the party as well as my household. They began telling the other girls what to do and encourage behaviors that were not allowed in my home. It was the most ridiculous experience that I had encountered up to that point. Some of the girls ended up in tears because of the behavior of these two, and another 5 year old, knew how to stir up trouble. I was appalled that these girls did not know how to be respectful in someone's home. My daughter actually refused to have a party in first grade.
We had her best friend from the neighborhood over for a tea party. They both dressed up, sat at the "kids" table with play dishes and highchairs for their favorite dolls. I served fruit, little cut up sandwiches and juice in a tea pot for them to fill and refill their own tea cups. My daughter really enjoyed herself.
For your own child's sake be aware of who you are inviting and that they know how to be respectful and behave at your child's party.
I know that there are rules at school regarding passing out invitations suggesting you should invite everyone in the classroom. The best way to deal with this is to just send the invitations in the mail. If you don't know the child and where they live or how they behave, maybe it is better not to invite them. Stick to the ones where you may know the parents or have had encounters with them on a more personal basis.
I have had several discussions with other parents that feel the same way I do regarding gift bags for the guests. This is completely unnecessary because the party is supposed to be about the guest of honor. Children do not need to receive a goody bag for attending some child's birthday party. If you feel you must give out something, give them a gift coupon for a sundae or ice cream at McDonald's or Burger King. All that little junk you fill a gift bag with just ends up lost, broken or in the garbage. No one will even notice if you don't give out goody bags. Why would the guests need to be rewarded for attending a birthday party?
Younger children or siblings should not be allowed to open your child's birthday gifts either. These children need to be told that the gifts belong to the birthday child. Believe me, your 5 year old does not understand why their 2 year old sibling or cousin should be able to open their gifts. The birthday child at 5, 6, 7 and even 8 or 9 is still young enough to be hurt by such a request. It is supposed to be about them, their excitement and happiness. Instead, this is a teachable moment for the younger child. This is how they learn. We teach them expectations of behavior so they grow up to be good, thoughtful, caring people that are aware of the existence of others.
Your child's birthday party does not need to be overdone. It does not need to cost you a fortune either. Your child might prefer something small, less structured and quieter. It is fun to make your child's day special, but if you end up with chaos, or what your child feels is chaos, then it is not creating the special memory you want for your child. Bigger and noisier is not always better.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Do Not Over Entertain Your Children
In order for children to learn and explore they need to have time for free play. Time where they use their imaginations. This is when they play with toys that they recognize from life. Not play on tablets and computers. This is a box of dress ups, blocks, a cash register, telephones, animals, dolls, food items and dishes. They get to mirror what they have seen and what they have learned.
Too much time is spent by young children playing with tablets or other toys that talk to them or entertain them. These items may teach them the alphabet and numbers, but they don't teach them to use their imaginations and free association. Plus, more often than not, they are sitting and not moving around.
In order to have imaginary play they require substance to draw from such as movies, real life, appropriate television programs, and story books. As you share these items with your children, you ask questions and talk about your experiences to enhance their thought processes. Then you provide the materials and let their imaginations soar.
It is so important to not consistently entertain or play with your child. If you begin this habit when they are small, it will be their expectation as they grow up. It doesn't mean that you don't play with them at all, or never take them to do special events, but don't be planning every minute of their day for them. Set time limits if they tend to expect you to play with them. This should only be when they are very small and don't have enough life experience to invent enough of their own play time. Show them the way by playing pet store, shoe store, zoo, cooking with the play toys, building towers that become castles, pretend trips in an airplane or to the moon, etc... Before you know it they are busy for hours at a time enjoying free play.
I use large bins that I switch out either on a daily or weekly basis. In one bin are a couple dolls, some stacking cups, keys on a ring, dish cloths, old credit type cards, a purse or backpack, and stuffed animals. My second bin has a cash register, a couple Elmo phones, two small blankets, shape bucket, couple toy pans, a few toy cars and trucks, Sesame Street characters, and stacking rings. Third bin consists of old computer keyboard, play laptop, little people van and school bus, baby doll carrier, two tiny dolls, drum, musical light up toy, purse and backpack. All bins have a blanket or sheet, phones,books and something music related. I didn't include everything that is in each bin but I think you get the picture. Blankets become tents, sleeping bags, picnic and beach blankets. Phones are used to pretend to speak to each other or bring in outside people such as Grandma or the boss. It's endless... The shape bucket pieces become homemade cookies while the stacking rings become donuts or bagels. I have had children play for up to four hours where I only need to remind them share, take turns, and let everyone use their ideas. Giving them the right tools to have hours of fun using their imaginations.
Due to preschool, organized sports, arts, and daycare, children seem to have less and less free time. Everyone requires time to free associate and not have to follow the group. I have spoken with teachers that have mentioned how children in their classrooms need to be told each step of the day, they have a hard time moving on to the next activity. They feel the need to double check without using their own judgment. The same children have participated in planned activities their entire life and do not know how to proceed on their own. The students are told time to line up, time to wash hands, time for lunch, time to draw, time to sing, time to etc... they are constantly being directed to the next activity. This rigid routine hampers their ability to make decisions of their own. Which makes it all the more important to have opportunities to make their own choices and not be in activities that require them to conform. This doesn't mean they run wild without any rules, however, it does mean they learn to play on their own and entertain themselves without electronic devices.
Imagination and pretend play enhances your child's life. It helps them grow mentally while they explore their life choices. It teaches them independence and the ability to be happy by themselves. In groups of pretend play, the children learn to share and incorporate everyone's ideas, while building on the fantasies and imaginations of others.
Too much time is spent by young children playing with tablets or other toys that talk to them or entertain them. These items may teach them the alphabet and numbers, but they don't teach them to use their imaginations and free association. Plus, more often than not, they are sitting and not moving around.
In order to have imaginary play they require substance to draw from such as movies, real life, appropriate television programs, and story books. As you share these items with your children, you ask questions and talk about your experiences to enhance their thought processes. Then you provide the materials and let their imaginations soar.
It is so important to not consistently entertain or play with your child. If you begin this habit when they are small, it will be their expectation as they grow up. It doesn't mean that you don't play with them at all, or never take them to do special events, but don't be planning every minute of their day for them. Set time limits if they tend to expect you to play with them. This should only be when they are very small and don't have enough life experience to invent enough of their own play time. Show them the way by playing pet store, shoe store, zoo, cooking with the play toys, building towers that become castles, pretend trips in an airplane or to the moon, etc... Before you know it they are busy for hours at a time enjoying free play.
I use large bins that I switch out either on a daily or weekly basis. In one bin are a couple dolls, some stacking cups, keys on a ring, dish cloths, old credit type cards, a purse or backpack, and stuffed animals. My second bin has a cash register, a couple Elmo phones, two small blankets, shape bucket, couple toy pans, a few toy cars and trucks, Sesame Street characters, and stacking rings. Third bin consists of old computer keyboard, play laptop, little people van and school bus, baby doll carrier, two tiny dolls, drum, musical light up toy, purse and backpack. All bins have a blanket or sheet, phones,books and something music related. I didn't include everything that is in each bin but I think you get the picture. Blankets become tents, sleeping bags, picnic and beach blankets. Phones are used to pretend to speak to each other or bring in outside people such as Grandma or the boss. It's endless... The shape bucket pieces become homemade cookies while the stacking rings become donuts or bagels. I have had children play for up to four hours where I only need to remind them share, take turns, and let everyone use their ideas. Giving them the right tools to have hours of fun using their imaginations.
Due to preschool, organized sports, arts, and daycare, children seem to have less and less free time. Everyone requires time to free associate and not have to follow the group. I have spoken with teachers that have mentioned how children in their classrooms need to be told each step of the day, they have a hard time moving on to the next activity. They feel the need to double check without using their own judgment. The same children have participated in planned activities their entire life and do not know how to proceed on their own. The students are told time to line up, time to wash hands, time for lunch, time to draw, time to sing, time to etc... they are constantly being directed to the next activity. This rigid routine hampers their ability to make decisions of their own. Which makes it all the more important to have opportunities to make their own choices and not be in activities that require them to conform. This doesn't mean they run wild without any rules, however, it does mean they learn to play on their own and entertain themselves without electronic devices.
Imagination and pretend play enhances your child's life. It helps them grow mentally while they explore their life choices. It teaches them independence and the ability to be happy by themselves. In groups of pretend play, the children learn to share and incorporate everyone's ideas, while building on the fantasies and imaginations of others.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Communicating Expectations to Motivate Good Behavior
There are several important actions that help motivate your child to behave. If you haven't started early enough by expressing your expectations to your child, some of these simple tips will help put you on track. Teaching your children proper behavior is not taking away their fun, it is making the time you spend together more pleasant for all of you.
When your child is misbehaving, try very hard not to overreact. If you overreact, then whatever is going on becomes about you and not about the behavior you are trying to eliminate. Children often get the upper hand when parents are out of control because it changes the focus of the moment. Count to ten or leave the room for a minute and collect your thoughts. Before you speak have an idea on how you wish to rectify the misbehavior. By not over reacting you can produce a more lasting solution. Flying off the handle, in the long run, will be more problematic. Talk them through the issue at hand and give them your expectation of proper behavior.
When you have a plan to go out of the house, let your child know what to expect while you are out. If you have several errands to run, let them know what they are and about how long they will take. Please do not bribe them with a special treat for behaving properly. Behaving properly should be the expectation. Communicating what you expect of them will help them understand how they should conduct themselves. Always communicate clearly, try not to be vague about what you want from them. "I need you to hold my hand in the parking lot so I can keep you safe. Cars can not always see someone your size." "I expect you to ride in the shopping cart at the store. This way I can see where you are and we can complete our task quicker." "The sooner we finish our errands, the sooner we will be home and you can play with your toys."
Teaching your child problem solving skills helps motivate good behavior. By taking the time to talk them through their problems and offering them several different solutions, you are teaching them a process. You are showing them how to look at the problem and find a way to solve it. Soon they are finding their own solutions instead of throwing a tantrum when they get frustrated trying to complete a task. You will find that these early lessons help eliminate tantrums. Teach them to calm down and say "I need help please." Help them understand that communicating a need helps you help them. It teaches them how to approach a problem in a positive way.
If they are having a tantrum, let them know that you will be happy to help them once they calm down and tell you the problem. Don't let their tantrum be the focus. Walk away, let them finish, assure them that you are ready to listen and help when they are done yelling and kicking. If you try to stop the tantrum or allow it to become the focus then next time - YOU GET ANOTHER TANTRUM. But if you tell them that communication is the answer not throwing themselves on the floor then next time they may just try to tell you the problem instead. If you ignore a couple of tantrums and your child does not receive the attention they expect, guess what happens - no more tantrums.
As the parent, you need to be predictable. They need to know what to expect of you as well. If you plan to go to the park but the weather looks "ify." Don't make that promise until you know if it is going to work out. As they age using "maybe" is okay but if you have brought up a fun activity make sure you have a plausible reason should you not be able to follow through. I know that other things come up but be as good to your word as possible. If you tell them that you will go to the library later please don't break your word. If you are unsure then hold off telling your child until shortly before you leave. When you go to the park and you say it is time to leave, you need to leave. Don't start the "okay 5 more minutes" because that will then be their expectation under the same or similar circumstances. Mean what you say and say what you mean. This is how they will learn to trust you which motivates good behavior.
When your child is misbehaving, try very hard not to overreact. If you overreact, then whatever is going on becomes about you and not about the behavior you are trying to eliminate. Children often get the upper hand when parents are out of control because it changes the focus of the moment. Count to ten or leave the room for a minute and collect your thoughts. Before you speak have an idea on how you wish to rectify the misbehavior. By not over reacting you can produce a more lasting solution. Flying off the handle, in the long run, will be more problematic. Talk them through the issue at hand and give them your expectation of proper behavior.
One of the things we often forget as a parent is to catch the kids doing something right and letting them know how pleased we are with their behavior. Tell them you are happy when they are behaving nicely. Let them know that you are proud of their behavior and other people such as their grandparents would be proud of their behavior too. After an especially productive outing of errands where they were helpful and cooperative, LET THEM KNOW!!! Reinforcing their positive behavior should be done with praise, smiles and hugs not presents and special treats. Good behavior should be the ordinary not the extraordinary.
Communicating to your children what you expect in a given situation is teaching them how to conduct themselves. They are not born knowing what is proper behavior. If they have never been to a restaurant before, they don't know what the expectation is unless you tell them. When you go to the park, explain ahead of time "When I tell you it is time to leave I don't want any trouble." Make sure you don't give in to 5 more minutes when you have already said "it's time to leave." When your behavior is predictable, your children will understand that you mean what you say and that you EXPECT them to listen.
If you teach your children early how you expect them to behave in a given situation and the consequences of misbehavior, your time together will be a lot more enjoyable.
Communicating to your children what you expect in a given situation is teaching them how to conduct themselves. They are not born knowing what is proper behavior. If they have never been to a restaurant before, they don't know what the expectation is unless you tell them. When you go to the park, explain ahead of time "When I tell you it is time to leave I don't want any trouble." Make sure you don't give in to 5 more minutes when you have already said "it's time to leave." When your behavior is predictable, your children will understand that you mean what you say and that you EXPECT them to listen.
If you teach your children early how you expect them to behave in a given situation and the consequences of misbehavior, your time together will be a lot more enjoyable.
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