Teaching Your Child That NO! means NO!

DEFINITION OF "NO":   1. Not so. Used to express refusal, denial or disagreement: No, I’m not going. 2. Not at all.

    
     When you tell your child NO, it really needs to mean NO! Otherwise, as they grow, so will the disrespect and ramifications of not meaning what you say. It needs to start early so that your child knows that you mean what you say. They need to realize that you are the adult, you run your household, and they need to respect what you tell them.

    
     When they are young and reaching for the TV remote and you take it away and tell them NO, make sure that you are consistent and next time it’s NO, and the next time and the next time. You continue this until they are old enough to change the channels on the TV by choice, not play. It is all the small things added up that make them understand that you mean what you say.

   
     Same goes with your phone, keys, purse, book and all the things that are not TOYS but items that are useful or have a purpose. Some things are just not for them.  Would you buy a toddler a $400 toy? Then don’t let them play with your tablet or your cell phone. If they should drop it or throw it, you then have nobody to blame except yourself.  Once you let them play with it, they will expect you to let them play with it again. That is when the fussing and whining begins.  When going somewhere, have them carry a small backpack of toys, or a favorite item of theirs so you don’t have to try to amuse them with your items. Once they realize that you mean NO when you say it, you avoid the begging and the arguments all together.

   
     "NO" needs to be the serious word that it is meant to be. When they are young and run towards the street or from you in a parking lot, don’t pick them up and whirl them around like it is a game. They need to realize that the situation is dangerous or “not safe.” If you make a game of it or behave as if you are kidding, they are not going to take it seriously either. The same goes for electric outlets, stoves, climbing on the top of the couch, standing on chairs,... the list can be endless. Be consistent, your hard work will pay off in the long run.

   
      Another reason that it is important even for the toddler to understand NO, is when you visit someone else’s home as a guest and your child is walking around touching everything. They should know not to touch things that don’t belong to them. Make sure that you pack a small bag of things to keep them occupied. Their entertainment is your responsibility, not that of your host. Your host should not be required to move all of their belongings out of reach of your child.  

    
      It becomes tiresome to say NO over and over again, so I supplemented it with “not for you” and “not safe” (if that was the case) and “breakable.” If NO becomes overwhelming remove them from the situation or change the boundaries of the situation. Move the offensive item out of reach but begin again the next day.  However, you shouldn’t move everything out of their reach because they need to learn early that they can’t have everything that they want. Some items are just not for them.

    
      How often have you seen a parent tell a child NO over and over again and then suddenly tell them yes? As the child repeatedly asks, begs and whines, they just eventually give in.  What message is being sent to this child? First, you can disrespect me as the adult and your parent. Second, if you bug me long enough you can have your way. They are creating their very own little monster. If you say NO and then yes later, you are giving them a mixed message. You need to be consistent, NO must mean NO. Even if it seems something small and absurd, once you have said NO, your decision needs to stand. Be careful in a group situation that you don’t get pulled in because another parent says yes. It is okay to be the parent that says NO, and often times the other parent should have said no as well.

    
     As we look around these days, there are so many children that have an attitude of entitlement. They seem to think that just because they want something, they should get to have it. They use “but everyone has it” and parents are giving in to “Keep up with the Jones’” which is an entirely different issue. Not everyone can keep up with the Jones’.  We all have different situations and financial obligations in our lives. The children need to learn that just because someone gets to have an item doesn’t mean that they should have it as well. More importantly, there are parents that need to learn this. Try to stick to birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, and a small Easter basket. The more you give, the larger you give at an early age, the larger the child’s expectations. This is really quite unnecessary, and more often than not it is causing children to have high expectations instead of being grateful.

    
     If you are unsure about a decision, tell your child “I will let you know when I have decided, until then, the subject is closed.” Do this the first time and mean it, they are much smarter than we ever give them credit. They will understand and respect your word. If they bring it up again, reiterate what you said the first time, and if they continue to bother you about it, it will be a definite NO!

    
     If you change your mind about something, give them an explanation as to why you changed your mind, i.e.: “When I told you NO, I thought I needed to do… (this or that) but I am able to do that tomorrow, so I am now saying yes because….” This way you still have a situation where you are the adult, you make the decisions. After all, it is your job to direct them and not let them walk all over you. If you say yes after saying NO when they are begging and being obnoxious, you are just inviting them to continue this very unfavorable behavior.

     Don’t spoil them and turn them into that obnoxious child that begs and whines until they get their way. Unfortunately, that is exactly where you are headed if you don’t mean what you say, when you say NO!

Please and Thank You Can Be First Toddler Words

  Our babies arrive as a blank slate; it is up to us to bring them up well. We are their teachers, their role models, and their biggest supporter. What we decide as parents helps shape who our children become as adults.

     It is so important to help prepare our children to be good, hardworking, responsible, honest adults.  We need to share our life lessons with them to help prepare them to be independent, upstanding citizens.

     We start early by teaching our children manners. They need to have good manners from the get go! They can have please and thank you as some of their first words, if we are willing to put in the time and effort to teach them to be polite.

     We begin by saying “please” when they want something, “may I have that please” even when they are not speaking yet. When they are playing and hand us a toy, we say “thank you.” When we give them something, a cup or a toy we tell them to say “thank you.” If we use the verbiage, they too, will learn to use the words that we give to them. They model themselves off of our behavior because that is what they see.

     Please and thank you are common courtesy and can become some of our children’s earliest language. When they first begin to speak, it may not sound like “please” or “thank you” but if they begin to make a noise at the appropriate time, you will know they understand and if you say the proper word to them, you are then reinforcing their good intentions.

     Once they begin to speak, gentle reminders are required at times but make sure that they know it is expected and if they don’t use please, then say “What is the magic word?” and they are sure to come up with it. If not remind them and have them use it. If we ask the question “Would you like more?” then we need to teach them “yes, please” or “no, thank you.” Small children understand more than we ever give them credit for but more importantly, if we have NO EXPECTATIONS then we only have ourselves to blame.

     Before you know it, it becomes so natural to them and it becomes such a proud successful moment for us. Enjoy the reactions from other adults when our two year old is using please and thank you when playing with other children or interacting with adults. And it becomes second nature to them because this is what they have been taught from the beginning.

      Our hard work and repetition really pays off. We need to have expectations from our children, they can’t just run amok. If we expect nothing, we get nothing.  It is never too late to have expectations from our children either. If they have not yet been taught to be polite to us, there is no time like the present to begin. If they are already older, they should definitely understand the concept more quickly. It’s very nice to be thanked when you serve a meal or buy something for someone. It is just COMMON COURTESY, to be thanked!!!

An Introduction to Skillful Parenting

    Well, I am so excited! I have been meaning to start a blog for quite some time and I am finally HERE!  As most humans, I have been afraid to put myself out there. But I am confident that I have plenty of information to share about raising great children. I have had many years of experience with many different parents and children. 
     I started babysitting when I was ten years old, yes, believe it or not, ten. My mom was right next door when I went on my first babysitting job. I was to sit for an adorable two year old named Tommy, while he napped. But that was not what I thought babysitting should be so as soon as his mom pulled out of the drive, I woke him up so we could play. All went well, and I babysat for him many times after that day.  I have always loved children, I pictured myself raising a family of seven. As an adult and mom of two, I can not in my wildest imagination see myself leaving a two year old with a ten year old babysitter. 
     By the time I finished my sophomore year of high school, I counted up 43 different families that I had babysat. Sometimes only once but many were regular customers. There were some houses that I walked into and wanted to walk right back out. It was like walking into "Damien, Omen II" or "The Exorcist." Luckily, I was in high demand and was therefore able to choose whom I wanted to babysit. Several had three or four children and some kids were fewer than four years younger than myself. I was very lucky, not many ever became injured or ill while in my care. 
     I witnessed many different parenting choices and some adults that chose not to parent at all. A kind of an out of sight, out of mind attitude. But all in all, like many life lessons, it gave me choices on how I would choose to parent. I saw many techniques that worked and many that did not.
     My first and most influential teacher of course, was my mom. She knew how to teach children to be responsible, respectful, caring, thoughtful, trustworthy, and well mannered. I have five siblings and we all have these qualities. We were raised with rules but we also had a lot of fun! My mom was a real character. I miss her very much. She was an excellent example on how to raise great kids!
     There is literally no greater gift in this entire world than a child! Children are worthy of infinite love, time and can be one's greatest achievement. But raising a wonderful child with all of the qualities to be a giving, productive person in our world, requires effort. Children are not meant to raise themselves. It is the job, the commitment, the love and devotion of the parent that will have the most effect on their child's outcome. Whether good or bad!
     My intention of this blog is to share skillful parenting information. Sometimes, I hope to cause laughter and I may cause tears. Most importantly I want to share information that will help make better family moments.